My soccer fuck: TEAM BONDING

AFTER our team won the local all-girl soccer championship, we headed back to the change room to celebrate. We drank and laughed and carried on for ages before everyone started moving on to the after-party at a nearby pub. I was still filthy from the game, so I decided to stay back and shower.

When I’d finished washing myself, I went over to my locker and started to towel off. Out of nowhere I felt a pair of hands grab me from behind and start pinching my nipples. Then a set of lips started to kiss up and down my neck and nibble at my ear.

“You look pretty good without your uniform on,” a voice said. I recognised Georgia, one of my teammates, whose boobs were so big she had to wear three sports bras to keep them from knocking her out during the game.

I turned around to be confronted by her enormous melons. Without hesitating I started to lick them and suck on them, which made Georgia moan loudly.

With a nipple between my teeth, I slowly slipped two fingers between her pink goal posts and worked them around a bit. I went in a bit further, found her G-spot and started to really hammer it, which made her to go so weak at the knees she fell to the ground.

Georgina lay there on her back, so I swung my smoo around and planted it right on her mouth, then set about giving her clit a massage with my tongue. Turns out Georgia is a master muff-diver and she made me come in under a minute!

I had to work a bit harder than that to get her off, but by adding another finger and flicking her clit as fast as I could with my tongue, I was able to make her squeal and moan my name as she orgasmed all over my face.

Afterwards we got dressed and headed off to meet the rest of the team down the pub, and we’ve been together ever since!

G.G., BERRIMAH, NT

My soccer fuck: HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!

YOU know how fucken boring soccer is – nothing exciting ever happens. When I was a young bloke I used to play goalie for a park side that was the best in the comp. In fact, we were so good that I never had to do a fucken thing between the posts, so I usually entertained myself in other ways.

One day I spotted this little hottie eying me up from the sideline. Bored out of my brains, I pulled down my shorts and flopped out my pretty sizeable cock. All the action was up the other end of the field and everyone was watching that shit, so no-one saw when she ran over and grabbed me by the tocko.

This chick got down on her knees right there on the field, and gave me the best gob-job I’ve ever had. She was slurping on it, rubbing my balls and wanking me off with both hands at the same time – it was heaven.

Matter of fact, she was so good that I felt obliged to make her come, so I pulled her up off her knees and spun her around. She grabbed hold of one goal post, dropped her jeans and pushed her undies to the side.

I jammed my cock into her tight little spadge and started to hammer away. I was making this little babe cream, yet no-one on the field was paying any attention.

Just after she’d climaxed on my wang, I told her I was ready to blow, so she spun around and dropped back to her knees. Then she jerked my gherkin off and I sprayed a huge wad of my cum into her mouth.

Without saying a word, she got back up, put her pants on and went back to the sidelines. The full-time whistle blew and everyone started to walk towards the change rooms – and that’s when I saw this guy from the opposition go up and kiss the chick I’d just unloaded in right on the mouth.

Not only had we fucked his team, but I’d his girlfriend, too!

M.P., COOGEE, NSW

My soccer fuck: PENALTY SHOOTOUT

I USUALLY host a barbie at my house at the end of every game in our company soccer comp. My missus puts on a feed, and me and about four of the guys just hang around the pool drinking piss and having a laugh. There’s one barbie that really sticks in my mind, though.

It was about 40 degrees that day, we’d lost badly and we were drinking hard when Jenny came out of the house wearing a tiny yellow bikini and carrying a tray of sausages.

Everyone was transfixed as she walked over to us and grabbed one of the snags. She put the whole thing in her mouth, made some gagging noises, then ate it seductively. All the boys practically spaffed their daks when Jenny said, “That was nice. Have any of you got any bigger sausages for me?”

Everyone looked at me for a sign, so I stood up and bent my lady over the table so I could rip off her bikini. “Dig in, boys!” I yelled, and everyone got their cocks out of their shorts.

I was first in Jenny’s sweet vadge while Dale and Evan got a handjob each. Rick got up on the table and started fucking my girl’s face. Jenny’s must have fast hands ’cos before long, Dale and Evan had unloaded all over her boobs.

I swapped with Rick so he could hammer her hole and I could have my wife’s tender lips wrapped around my knob. She had her hands free by then ’cos the boys were recharging, so she was able to make me jizz all over her tits while Rick kept fucking her.

The three of us empty guys sat back and watched Rick impale my wife on his big cock. Seeing her big boozzies jiggling around with every stroke had us barred up in no time, so we all picked a spot and hopped in for more group action.

I knew my missus was a horny little spunk, but until that day I never knew she was such a team player.

V.O., SALISBURY NORTH, SA

My soccer fuck: PRETEND IT LIKE PECKHAM

I’VE got a raging wide-on for hot soccer players. They have such pretty legs and they’re very conscious of their style. One night I was out drinking with some girlfriends when I saw this hot guy standing in a corner all on his own. He had a shaved head and an exquisite jaw and he was wearing a scarf with a sports coat. He was a dead-ringer for the king of hot soccer players, David Beckham, and I just had to go and talk to him. We started chatting and it turns out he actually was English and a huge soccer fan! That sent my vagina into overdrive and I knew I had to fuck this guy senseless. We started flirting and he kept telling me about all the things we were going to do when we got back to his house. I was so turned on my smoo had practically eaten my panties, so I put the hard word on him and we left. In the cab home, I sat on his lap and spent the ride grinding my arse up against his package – he was rock solid and I couldn’t stop fantasising about his massive cocking sliding in and out of my minge. When we finally made it to his bedroom I ripped off his pants to find a cup where his cock should’ve been. “Erm… I’d just come from soccer practice and I forgot to take it out,” he murmured. I was so horny I didn’t care, but when I tore that off I saw a penis like a tiny mushroom; this thing couldn’t have been more than two inches at full mongrel. The bastard had just been pretending to have a massive cock all along! I was disappointed but I remembered an old boyfriend saying it’s not how big it is, it’s what you can do with it. So I lay back and prayed that this guy was as good in bed as he was badly hung. Sadly, I couldn’t feel a thing as he humped frantically at my beaver. He was even hopeless at fondling my tits! When he finally worked up enough friction to dribble a sad little stream of spoof onto my stomach, I got up, left, and swore that I was switching to AFL players from then on. P.F., RED HILL, ACT

MY SLY FUCK: EATING OUT

I THOUGHT I’d give my missus Julie the night off from being a housewife, so I dropped the kids off at my mum’s and cooked my wife her favourite meal. I busted out a few bottles of nice red to go with the food and get her in the mood.

As we ate, she ran her foot up my leg, resting it against my crotch. Then she worked her foot inside my shorts, wriggling her toes against my cock until I was hard.

I scoffed my meal in record time and while Julie continued to eat, I ducked under the table, lifted her skirt, moved her undies aside and had a bit of dessert.

I parted her beef curtains and drove my tongue inside her pussy, then started doing laps of her clit. Julie handed me her glass of wine, so I poured some of it over her pussy and licked it all off. The cold wine on her hot crotch made her scream with desire.

When she calmed down I got up and we undressed right there at the kitchen table. I started to scoop big hunks of ice cream onto Julie’s huge titties and slurp it off. While I was doing that, I also slowly worked a strawberry into her love tunnel, and it made her moan even louder.

Julie pushed me onto the table and sat on my face so I could get the strawberry back out while she dripped mess everywhere and licked me clean. She held some freezing cold ice cream against my taddy sack which had me blowing my wad down her throat in moments.

I think I’m going to cook dinner more often now!

T.L., THORNTON, NSW

MY SLY FUCK: PARTY IN THE SMOO.S.A.

I WENT to a girlfriend’s house party one Friday night and ran into a whole bunch of guys I used to go to school with. I’d had a crush on this Seppo guy named Eric all through high school, but I’d never told him.

We started talking about school and he confessed he’d liked me all along, and suddenly we were tongue wrestling and groping like teenagers. Then he dragged me off to a bedroom so we could get serious.

Before Eric had even shut the door, I had all my clothes off. He turned around and I watched his pants start to tent up as he took in my sexy nakedness. We started to kiss again and I put one leg up on the bed so he could finger me.

Within a few minutes my legs were trembling with ecstasy. I pushed him onto the bed, unzipped his jeans and took his rock-hard todger in my mouth. I licked his shaft, then I straddled him and slipped his huge cock inside me.

Eric held my hips as I bounced on him. I started off slowly, then I sped up as my smoo did a better job of accommodating his massive tocko. He pinched and twisted my nipples hard and it made me so wet I thought I was going to slip straight off.

I could feel myself coming hard, but Eric just kept moving me back and forth on his knob. It felt insane and I ended up coming again even harder than the first time.

Eric slowed me down and I felt his cum dribbling down my thighs. I cleaned up and lay down, passing out quickly. When I woke up the next morning, Eric was gone, but I had a great memory for my wank bank.

J.H., RABY, NSW

MY SLY FUCK: CUM CLEANER

WHEN I started my carpet cleaning business, All Carpets Serviced, I never thought it would lead to me getting a root, even though my mates and I often joked about it.

One day I got a call from a chick called Paula who wanted me to come and do her carpets. I went round there and knocked on her door with my vacuum cleaner on my back and was greeted by this stark-naked blonde babe with huge tits and tiny hips.

“Come inside,” she said with a smile, and my little fella refused to let me do anything but what she demanded. Paula led me into her house and there was no carpet to be seen. At all. Every bit of flooring was wood.

She lay on her coffee table, spread her legs, pointed at my vacuum cleaner and her full bush and said, “Are you going to clean my carpet or what?”

I got down on my knees and started to finger her moot while I vacuumed her pubes. The cleaner is pretty strong and as it pulled at her pubes, I could feel her start to shake. Then she started screaming and coming at the same time.

After Paula had finished climaxing, she got up onto all fours and told me to fuck her. I hadn’t been laid in ages, so I rooted her doggy style as hard as I could. Paula was loving it and she told me she wanted more, so I started to pump even harder and slap her arse.

I told her I was ready to blow, so Paula turned around and wanked me off all over her tits, just like the chicks do in pornos. She cleaned off my load and I got going to my next appointment.

Paula’s a regular client now, but she’s the only one who doesn’t have to pay for my services. If anything, I should be paying her!

G.G., MARRICKVILLE, NSW

MY SLY FUCK: A STAR IS PORN

MY BEST shag was on my honeymoon, when my hubby Rick took me away and we locked ourselves in a hotel room for a week. After a few days, we got sick of room service and ventured out to get some food.

As we were walking along, I was overcome with the desire to have my meat locker filled with my hubby’s sausage, so I grabbed him by the hand and we ran over to a telephone booth.

I went in first and picked up the phone while Rick squeezed in behind me and closed the door. He flopped his hardening prick out of his pants and lifted my skirt discreetly.

I wriggled backwards and started to move my hips slowly, inching his pork sword in and out of my snatch. It was taking it so slow was torture for both of us, so I just told him to go for it – fuck it if we got caught!

The faster he went, the more people noticed what we were up to, and pretty soon we had a crowd about four-deep standing around the phone booth while Rick slammed into me from behind.

By then I was wetter than an otter’s pocket, knowing all these people were watching me cop a length from my hot hubby, and I reached between my legs and started to diddle my clit.

I orgasmed in time with Rick and we heard a loud cheer and a round of applause. We quickly got out of there and went straight back to our hotel room for even more fucking.

That’s when I discovered that I love being watched while I root, and now me and the husband film our sex sessions and upload them to the internet. Still, nothing will ever beat that first time.

G.R., CHRISTCHURCH, NZ

I THOUGHT it was just going to be another shitty work seminar until I laid eyes on Sarah. She was five feet tall with long red hair and a set of tits that made watermelons seem like marbles.

We sat next to each other for the day and made small talk. After the lecture was over, we went out drinking. The pair of us got a bit wasted and things got a bit touchy-feely.

When we finally got kicked out of the bar for getting a little too frisky, I told Sarah I wasn’t ready to go to sleep and she should come to my hotel room for some drinks. As soon as we shut the door behind us, I started pashing her.

Sarah was a bit reluctant at first, but when I started grabbing her huge norks, she hastily undid my pants and went hunting for my clitoris, which she massaged like a pro.

I pushed her onto the bed and stripped her naked with my teeth, stopping every now and again to lick her tender flesh and make her shudder with pleasure. After a bit of that I reached down beside the bed and picked up a vibrator I’d brought along for the trip.

Sarah’s beautiful eyes lit up and she started to moan as I turned it on and gently worked its pink firmness up and down her flaps. With a quick flick of the wrist I buried all seven inches of my vibe in her cute little minge, and she squirmed as she orgasmed.

When Sarah asked me if she could return the favour, I lay back as she licked my clit and fingered me slowly. It wasn’t long before I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I came.

As soon as I got back to work the next day I immediately requested a transfer to Sarah’s department. If it comes through my pussy’s going to be very, very busy.

T.O., BURWOOD, NSW

MY FEMME FUCK: LEZZA FOR LIFE

IT WASN’T until I graduated from high school that I noticed I was attracted to girls. I found out about some gay nightclubs in my area and started hanging out there. One night this gorgeous brunette named Natalie started buying me drinks and invited me back to her house.

I was pretty nervous, so she took me into her room and showed me her massive collection of toys; she had nipple clamps, big dildos, little dildos, handcuffs, lube – bloody everything!

As I was bending over and examining a massive black rubber schlong, Nat slipped a hand up my skirt and started to rub my smoo. After looking at all her sex toys, I was already wet, but the touch of her experienced fingers made me even more moist.

I turned around and Natalie started to kiss me, showing me where to touch her and what felt good. Then she shoved me back on the bed, pushed me down and took off all my clothes.

Nat started to kiss my stomach slowly, making her way down to my pussy. She started to flick my swollen clit with her tongue and all I wanted to do was grab her head and grind my mound into her face.

Finally, she started eating me out faster and harder. She’ barely been at it for 10 seconds before I was overcome with pleasure – she made me come so hard I nearly cried!

Nat spent the rest of the night explaining the finer points of eating a woman out. I think I made her come about six times all up and she said I was a very fast learner. Another thing I learnt was that I’ll always love the minge.

L.W., CREST MEAD, QLD

MY FEMME FUCK: CAUTION: WIDE-ON LOAD

MY LIFE partner Jenny has short brown hair, big F-cup boobs, and she weighs about 150kg. I love her very much, ’cos I have a thing for bigger women.

Me… well, I weigh about 130kg but I’m working on matching her size. Sadly, my job involves a bit of walking sometimes, so it’s a bit harder to keep the weight on.

Anyway, due to our immense girth, some sex positions are quite hard for us to get into. Seeing as I’d been a fatty all my life and I’d always been attracted to other large girls, I’d never had a 69er.

Jenny has a mate who’s a carpenter, so one day we got him to rig up a crane-type thingo in our lounge room with cables that could hold a big load. Once we’d worked out it was secure, we told him to piss off, then we got down to business.

Jenny got all her clothes off and I helped load her onto the crane. I lifted her up to the right height so she’d be able to get at my vadge, then I locked the contraption in place, got down on the ground, and we started to play.

I fumbled around looking for Jenny’s meaty minge and I could feel her doing the same thing to me. That’s my favourite bit – the anticipation, the searching, the yearning for my girl’s fuck button. I love the build-up.

Finally, we struck gold and started to work on each other with our tongues. Jenny prefers having her button worked hard and fast, whereas I enjoy her gobbling me with slow, gentle strokes.

We timed it perfectly and after a whole lot of simultaneous cunnilingus, we came in perfect harmony. We left the crane there as a permanent fixture for next time, too!

M.S., PROSPECT, NSW

MY FEMME FUCK: SCREAMIN’ SHE-GLE

AMY and Issa were my best friends but they were really prudish. One night the three of us went to party and ended up back at my place drinking when the party turned out to be a flop.

I’d rooted heaps of guys and girls over the years, so I was drunkenly giving the girls shit about never having kissed a woman and telling them what they’d been missing out on.

Amy dragged herself to her feet and said, “Fine! If it’s so good, then do whatever you want to me.” Issa got up and said she was with her friend – they were mine and I had complete control over their luscious bodies.

I got down on my knees and made them stand next to me. I slowly started caressing their thighs, one hand on each girl, slowly making my way up their skirts to find that neither of them was wearing any undies.

After playing with their smoos for a minute, I shoved three fingers into each of them. It was like conducting an orchestra – with a little wiggle of one hand I could make Amy squeal or moan as I saw fit, and with the slightest movement of my other hand I could have Issa quietly begging for more or screaming the roof down.

Ten minutes later they’d both orgasmed, so I demanded that they both eat me out. I’d had plenty of girls go down there before, but never two at once. I was in heaven as both of their tongues worked on my clit and my hole, and it took them no time to get me off.

As we all lay around panting and reeking of sex, my two best mates started giggling like they’d been inhaling laughing gas. Turns out they’d planned all along to get me to take their chick cherries and they’d put on a little performance to egg me on.

Sneaky little bitches. I sure showed them with my huge dildo that night, though.

P.C., BRISBANE, QLD

MY BEST FUCK: IN KNEED OF A ROOT

I WAS bored shitless after I had a knee operation a while ago and I still had another two weeks stuck in bed. This dude Brad got moved into the bed next to me and we got along pretty well. His sister, Fiona, was this spunky goth stunna who always got around in little skirts and big boots.

She turned up one arvo when Brad was in physio, so we started to chat, and the conversation soon turned into some pretty serious flirting. Every time she laughed, her huge tits jiggled under her tight black top and I was hypnotised.

I said my knee was a bit sore and Fiona closed the curtains, lifted the sheet, grabbed my donger and asked, “Is this where it hurts?”

She got her massive melons out and rubbed them all over my tool, then took me in her mouth and sucked me hard. I leaned over and grabbed her waist, dragging her back to me so I could fondle her twat.

After a minute or two of that I started to feel some heat and sex slop around her smoo and she started going wild, thrusting her hips back and forth, riding my hand and sucking my schlong at lightning speed.

Fiona was a master of the cock and I was finger-frigging her as fast as I could, trying to keep up with the insane speed she was necking my knob at. When I put two in her smoo and one in her poo, she had a bloody loud orgasm.

When she recovered she used my rod as a silencer and deep-throated me down to the ballsack. I felt the vibrations from her throat on my knob, which made me launch a sackful of love lava down her throat.

We quickly composed ourselves minutes before Brad was wheeled back into the room and put to bed. I wasn’t very sore after that!

T.L., THORNTON, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: IPROMISES, PROMISES

I WAS just 18 when I moved out of home and into my best mate Jess’s house. Everything was going great until we got drunk one night and I promised her that I would do anything for her, no matter what.

A few weeks later I came home from work to find Jess completely naked on my bed with her dickhead boyfriend passed out in the lounge room. I stood in the doorway while Jess lay back on my bed with her legs spread wide. She was slowly stroking her gorgeous pussy with one hand and rubbing her perky little boobs with the other.

She took one look at me and said, “Are you going to just stand there or are you going to come and get some of this?”

I was naked in seconds and as I started to finger her, I asked her why she’d put the hard word on me. “You promised!” Jess said as she got up on all fours and started shaking her fantastic little arse in my face.

She was practically begging me to fuck her, so I slowly guided my length between her flaps and started to pump away, going a little bit deeper with every stroke.

I fucked her slowly but firmly, then I started to speed up until I was jack-hammering away at her perfect little box, which made her come her face off with a loud scream.

I was afraid we might have woken up her drunk-arse boyfriend, but Jess didn’t seem to give a shit. “Your turn now,” she giggled as she spun around and started to fuck my shaft with her face. She was that good at slurping on my cock and jiggling my balls, I only lasted a minute or two before I unleashed a massive load of baby batter all over her face.

After that, Jess made me keep my promise every time her boyfriend passed out before pleasuring her. Thankfully, that happened a shitload.

T.J., SILVERWATER, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: IPORKY PORK

A WHILE back I’d stacked on a bit of weight and not gone out for a while, which meant I hadn’t been laid in ages – like, two years. Finally, I got fucken sick of it and decided I should just hire a champion prossie.

I hit the internet and looked at photos of chicks I could pay to root me, but they were all pretty ugly down the budget end of the scale, so I started looking around for some higher-class escorts.

I settled on this dark-haired glam named Lydia with medium-sized knockers and long legs. She looked kinda Greek in the photos and had a face like a goddess, so I booked her in.

Before she came over, I had a cheeky pull so I’d last longer. She rocked up, we fixed up payment, then Lydia got naked.

She didn’t have an ounce of fat on her perfect 20-year-old body, and I cracked a stonking great boner you could crush concrete with. “What do you want me to do?” she asked, and I suggested maybe she should suck me off.

Lydia started to softly stroke my knob before she put it in her mouth and slowly bobbed up and down on my tocko. It felt like her cakehole was lined with Egyptian cotton and I was in heaven.

Just when she thought I was about to blow, she stopped and squeezed my nuts. “I want you to get your money’s worth,” she said, then she started up again. This went on for half an hour and every second was glorious.

Finally, Lydia got on top and slipped her smoo onto my tocko. It was so warm and smooth and tight, I felt like I was fucking a well-lubed tear duct or something. She rode me really gently so I didn’t spaff a load and I swear, she was so good I started to see things.

At the end of my hour, I unloaded enough jizz in her snatch to drown a giraffe. She cleaned up and was on her way in a few minutes, leaving me to ponder where I’d be able to get another $1000 from.

S.F., WOOLLAHRA, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: IANALLY YOURS

I LOVE fucking chicks in the bum, but my girlfriend of three years had never let me do it. Calen thought it was dirty and disgusting and wrong, and she refused to try it, so I couldn’t convince her otherwise.

One night I was out at a bar drinking on my own after we’d had a big fight about doing dirty things when this gorgeous Latino bird came up and started dancing by my side. She was staring right at me and rubbing her norks all at me, which sort of got my attention.

We started talking, then flirting, and eventually kissing. She told me her name was Carla and led me to the bathroom, where she pulled my cock out and started going down on me.

When I was rock solid, she put a franger on me, ripped off her undies, bent over the toilet and pushed up against my cock. I reached down and started to slip my little fella in Carla’s smoo when she shook her head, grabbed it out of my hands and gently fed it up her date.

Fuck me dead! I pumped away like it was the end of the world. I was having so much fun dropping my anchor in her brown harbour that I didn’t notice the knocking on the toilet door.

Carla was smashing her clit and moaning really loudly, and the harder we fucked, the harder the knocking on the door became. Finally, we came in perfect sexy unison and collapsed in a big, sweaty pile.

Security escorted us out to a whole lot of cheering and raised glasses, and as I went back to Carla’s house for a repeat, I messaged Calen to say we needed to have a serious chat. The next day, I dropped her, and I’ve never looked back.

B.I., SUNSHINE COAST, QLD

THE funniest root I ever had was the first time I met my ex-boyfriend Denny. We met at a pub where he was absolutely cleaning up everyone who challenged him to a game of pool.

Denny would call all his shots before he made them and whatever came out of his mouth was what happened on the table. Watching him work those balls was making me so horny, I challenged him to a game.

About five minutes later, when he was done beating me, I grabbed his cock through his pants and said, “You’re going to take me home and let me ride this big stick.”

Denny didn’t say a word – he just took me to his place, ripped off my pants and slipped a finger in my flesh pocket while licking my clit. A few minutes of that sent me crazy with lust, so I pushed him back onto the lounge and starting to throat his throbbing cock.

I could tell Denny was about to come, so I lay back on the lounge and told him to fuck me harder than he’d ever fucked anyone before. He slipped his gut stick into my saturated slit and started to pump away, dominating me like he did the pool table in the pub.

As I started to come, Denny pulled out his cock and screamed while jerking himself to orgasm. I was half screaming in pleasure myself when he busted a huge load of jizz. It bounced off the headboards and went all over my face – which reminded me of the way he banked balls off the cushions on the pool table. I cracked up laughing!

The two of us were together for about a year after that and he would do it every time we fucked, bouncing his cum off different things around the room and usually getting it on my tits or face in the end.

We broke up when he started playing golf.

P.C., MANNING, WA

MY FUNNIEST FUCK: BACK, SACK AND CRACK!

I’VE had massive issues with my spastic back muscles for ages, which is I should’ve known better when my wife and I got an opportunity to join the mile-high club. We were on a plane to Kiwiland and about half an hour into the flight I felt Helen’s hand work its way up my leg and start massaging my prick.

She leant over and whispered in my ear, “Meet me in the first toilet up the back in 10 minutes,” then got up and made her way to the rear of the plane. I spent that 10 minutes rearranging my knob so I could walk up the aisle without knocking anyone out!

I found the loo she was talking about and entered slyly. Helen was sitting on the sink with her dress up around her hips and her undies on the floor. She had two fingers in her smoo, getting it all worked up for me.

I released my mongrel, shoved it right into her dripping snatch and started to pump away. After a few minutes, I heard a creaking sound and my back locked in place – I was stuck!

Helen couldn’t move because I’d wedged her into the sink and I was blocking the only exit. We were trapped. She started to shuffle around, calling for help, when one of her feet knocked the lock and sent the door swinging open, with me and her following closely behind.

All our yelling had attracted the cabin crew and some passengers, so they saw us fall out with my rod still inside Helen. They helped us get up and get dressed, then a couple of them had to help me sit down.

Awesomely, we got a round of applause and drinks for our troubles. Not so awesomely, my back was fucked for weeks after that.

R.K., HIGHGATE HILL, QLD

MY FUNNIEST FUCK: TECHNICOLOUR TESTICLES

LET me start by saying that my friends and I are absolute bastards to each other and everyone else. We’re always doing stupid shit to one another and trying to embarrass or hurt someone for a laugh.

After I pissed in my mate’s bed while he was at uni one day, I knew he was going to get me back somehow. I just didn’t realise how badly it was going to come back on me.

The lot of us went out on the pull one night and I started hooking up with this hot chick named Lindy. Her friends and my friends were all over each other, so we decided to go back to my place and carry on partying.

Lindy and I snuck off to my room so we could get a bit more intimate. I stripped her naked and started to fuck her sexy little 19-year-old snatch. I lasted a whole five minutes and was really proud of myself, but she started to moan about not being satisfied.

Hoping she’d hang around and give me a blowjob with my breakfast, I adopted the head-down-arse-up position and started to go down on her, giving her little vadge a good seeing-to with my tongue.

That’s when the boys busted through the door with paintball guns. By the time I realised what was going on, they’d peppered me with about 100 shots. And ’cos of how I was positioned with my junk all exposed, every single one of them smashed into the area around my arse, balls, cock and taint.

I couldn’t sit down or root for weeks after that, and Lindy never spoke to me again, even though I went to all that trouble trying to tongue-fuck her to happiness.

I really raised the bar by setting fire to all their beds a few weeks later, though!

G.P., BANKS, ACT

MY FUNNIEST FUCK: BOX OF HAMMERS

I SAW Harriet at the bar of a club one night and knew I had to have a piece of her. She was a hot blonde wearing a black dress about as big as a hanky, and it was struggling to keep her monstrous melons in place.

We got chatting and I discovered that while she might’ve been hotter than a blast furnace, Harriet was also a whole lot of stupid. We started flirting, which eventually became me shoving two fingers up her while she ordered more drinks. We downed a few more and went back to her place.

As soon as we got in the door, Harriet took all her clothes off and said, “I’m yours – do whatever you want to me!” Not being one to turn down an offer like that, I told her to get down on all fours.

I started to lick her spadge up and down to get her juices going, then I used the liquid to lube up my heaving penis. I lined up my donger and started to slam it into her pussy.

It was full-on porno sex – I was spanking her arse, grabbing her hair and going for fucken gold, and Harriet was loving it. She sat up on her knees and was tweaking her norks and smashing her clit as I pounded her pert posterior.

Just I was about to come, I told her to get down on the floor. My love spuds exploded and I shot an impressive load into her mouth, and Harriet greedily drank it down as she worked my knob dry.

I fell asleep pretty much straight after that, but was woken up about an hour later to the sounds of gargling. I walked into the bathroom to find Harriet swigging something out of a bottle.

“I didn’t want to get pregnant,” she explained, pointing to the bottle of spermicide she’d had a swig out of after I spoofed in her mouth and fell asleep.

Strangely, I didn’t see her much after that.

B.W., CRONULLA, NSW

MY FIRST FUCK: FAT CAMP FUCK FEST

I WAS a fat fucker when I was younger – seriously, I had a couple of moons orbiting my arse, I was that bloody big. By the time I was 18 I weighed 150kg and spent my days lying in bed and wanking myself off to daytime television, so my parents shipped me off to fat camp.

I fucken hated it. They made us do exercise every day and the food was bloody horrible. But one thing got me through – a cute sheila called Sue who had a reputation for rooting anything that moved.

I finally worked up the courage to ask Sue out, and one night we snuck out of camp and went to the nearest Sizzler, where we stuffed ourselves silly. As I was having another bowl of ice cream, Sue slipped her hands under the table, undid my pants and started pulling my cock.

The manager saw what was happening and told us to leave, so I took Sue to a deserted alley round the back and munched on her monstrous smoo. When she started moaning I told her to lie on the ground so I could stick my dick in her.

It took a while to get things going ’cos Sue was even fatter than me, but I eventually managed to get my end in and it felt fucken great! The pair of us weren’t exactly fit, so we didn’t go for long before I pulled out and Sue let me come in her mouth.

When I looked up I saw the restaurant manager standing there with a horrified look on his face as he watched our huge, sweaty, naked bodies jiggling around. Then he actually started vomiting! It was so embarrassing that it actually spurred me on to get serious about the weight loss.

Funnily enough, Sue contacted me on Facebook the other day. But I’ve slimmed down a lot since then so I discreetly ignored that one.

P.G., WOY WOY, NSW

MY FIRST FUCK: ADDICTED TO DICKS

I’M 27 and ever since I can remember I’ve always been attracted to girls. I love their soft skin, their curves and how they always know what to do to a vagina. I’ve never looked twice at a man… until last week, when I was on the piss at a nightclub and I met Craig.

He was alright-looking for a guy, had a cracking sense of humour and was whispering all the right things in my ear. Plus I was a bit tipsy and horny, so I decided to accept his offer to go back to his place.

As soon as we were in the front door, our tongues were locked and our hands were scoping out each other’s bodies. “You’re the first bloke I’ve ever kissed,” I mumbled. “Don’t make me regret this!”

Craig picked me up and threw me on the bed before removing all my clothing with his teeth, kissing me everywhere as he went. My pussy was running like a river and I was busting to feel a real dick in me.

I didn’t have to wait long, ’cos Craig soon crammed his big, thick cock into my virgin smoo. I could feel his heat and warmth and it was a million times better than those crappy rubber knobs I used to fuck myself with!

This guy really knew what he was doing and I came over and over again as he fucked me hard, soft, slow, fast, upside-down, normal, doggy… everything I’d ever heard about.

When he was finally ready to come, I asked him to do it in my mouth. I was really surprised when the taste actually wasn’t too bad!

We stayed in bed and fucked all the next day, and as I left his apartment with the taste of his dick in my mouth, I swore I’d never get in bed with another girl again.

K.R., LANDSDALE, WA

MY FIRST FUCK: PIKA-SMOO!

WHEN I was 18 I was pretty nerdy and a bit lacking in the social life department. I went to one of those dress-up nerd-fest events as the main character from Pokemon and I was having a great day when I saw this Asian babe dressed up as Pikachu – the yellow thing from the series that shoots lightning from its paws.

As she walked past, I threw her my best sexy look. It was crap, but she still walked up and told me her name was Amy. “You caught my eye,” she said, and I just about fainted. “Let’s go somewhere private.”

I stuttered some crap, not really sure what to do with myself, and Amy grabbed me by the hand and led me to the toilets. She made me sit on the sink before unzipping my pants and flopping my prick out.

She started to kiss me and wank me off, trying to get some blood into my wang ’cos I was so nervous about being with a woman that I found it hard to crack a fat. Finally, I managed to bar up, so Amy opened up her costume, leapt on and started to push her sexy smoo onto my quivering cock.

I’d never had a vagina wrapped around my slug before, so as she sat down on my manhood for the first pump, I spaffed everywhere. To make matters worse, my cock started to deflate straight after that, so there was nothing left for her to root.

Amy got off and looked at me with disgust. “You were supposed to last longer than that!” she cried and ran out of the bathroom. I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face, but – I’d finally broken my drought!

K.S., MERRIMAC, QLD

MY FIRST FUCK: THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

ADAM was a legend down at the pub. He was really cute with dark hair and dark eyes, and everyone knew he had a huge cock and loved nothing more than taking a girl’s anal virginity.

One night after a whole bunch of bourbons I decided it was time for me to get my brown wings, so trotted up to Adam to see if he was up for it. He skolled his beer in one hit, grabbed me by the hand and took me to find a cab.

Back at his place, we started making out and getting naked. Adam kissed me everywhere and slipped one finger in my beaver, which got me all wet, then used the juice from that to slowly start pushing a finger up my arse.

I was really tense at first, but then the alcohol and the awesome sensation took over and I started to relax, which is when I felt another finger glide smoothly up my back passage.

I’d never felt so horny, and I orgasmed like a mad bitch when Adam started firmly massaging both my holes. “You’re ready,” Adam whispered, and flipped me over onto all fours.

Adam dropped his pink anchor into my brown bay and it felt so good that I came again. Thank fuck he’d stretched me out, ’cos the rumours were true – his cock was enormous!

I came a few more times while he fingered my vadge and kept thrusting in and out of my no-longer-virgin arse. He kept rubbing my clit, too, and I was on the verge of orgasming again when he finally blew and we collapsed in a heap.

Of course, Adam won’t fuck me anymore because my arse isn’t virgin anymore, but all the other guys I bring home love my new hunger for anal!

V.D., NEWCASTLE, NSW

MY PUBLIC FUCK: SAND IN THE CLAM

WHEN I broke up with my boyfriend of five years the thought of being around men made me sick, so I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends. I’d known Bisexual Bettie for a while (cool nickname, eh?) and she’d made some passes at me before, but nothing had ever come of it. After the break-up, though, we became very close.

At a beach picnic one day, I was lying next to Bettie, tanning in my bikini. I started to drift off to sleep when I was woken up by the feeling of my clit being rubbed in circles. It felt great!

I looked down to see the fingers belonged to Bettie, who was giving me a sexy smile. I threw a towel over her hand so our friends couldn’t see, then I lay back and enjoyed myself.

Bisexual Bettie knew exactly what she was doing down there. She was tracing different shapes on my love bud and it was sending me wild. Then she slowly slipped two fingers of her other hand into my eager beaver and started to pump away, which sent me over the edge.

I felt the first wave of orgasm roll on, so I reached above my head and turned the radio up real loud just in time. I couldn’t help myself – her fingers were giving me the most intense orgasm I’d ever had and I started to moan, trying to time it to the music so we didn’t get caught.

When I was done, I told my friends I was feeling a bit ill, then Bettie and I packed all our stuff into her car and went back to her place. Amazingly, I felt much better once I got into her bed.

V.T., BONDI, NSW

MY PUBLIC FUCK: WET AND WILD

I WORK at a theme park and I get to dress up in one of those giant character costumes and walk around looking dopey all day. I won’t say which character it is ’cos I’ll get in the shit, but it’s a big whale of some sort.

Anyway, I hate my job, so I tend to be really sleazy to any tourists who can’t speak English very well. I saw this really cute Japanese chick last week and just blatantly asked if she wanted to fuck me, thinking she couldn’t understand me.

But she did. And she said yes.

The whale costume is pretty big, so I turned around and opened up the arse flap you use to get into the beast. I moved over so both my pins were standing in one of the costume’s legs, then she climbed in and stood in the other leg. This chick lifted up her skirt, bent over and presented me with her perfect Oriental pussy.

I looked down at my decent-sized knob, then back at how tiny her little hole was. I spat on my cock like a madman, slathering makeshift lube all over the place, then started to cram my sausage into her.

Fuck, she was so tight I think I only got in about five or six strokes before I was ready to unleash, so I pulled out and shot the biggest load of my life all over the insides of my costume.

I had to work the rest of the day in a spoof-filled whale, but it was worth it.

G.C., CURRUMBIN, QLD

MY PUBLIC FUCK: COMMUTE ROOT

ME AND my boyfriend read your fuck stories all the time looking for ideas to spice up our sex life, and My Public Fuck really spurred us on. We were sick of hiding our outdoor roots from other people so we formulated a plan to get right out there and just do it.

There’s this road we travel on all the time with a massive grass median strip, so we stopped right in the middle of it in peak hour one shitty Monday arvo. Me and my bloke got up onto the top of his four-wheel drive and started to get our gear off.

I was a bit nervous, but as soon as my tits were out, cars started honking and blokes were shouting at us, so I knew we had to follow through. In a few more seconds, everything was off.

I got down on my knees so I was facing the traffic and my boyfriend got behind me and started to pump away doggy style. I could see a shitload of cars and I reckon about 100 people were watching my well-hung boyfriend hammer my smoo, which made me massively horny.

Desperate for cock, I told my man to lie down and I straddled his tocko. As I bounced up and down on his prick, I could see a few chicks flashing me from their cars, so I waved my boobs back at them.

Boyfriend said he was about to come, stood up and blasted my face with a huge nine-roper. It couldn’t have come soon enough, ’cos through my new jizz sunnies, I could see flashing cop lights in the distance. We got dressed and took off after that.

Thanks, PICTURE, for inspiring us to liven up everyone’s commute!

P.R.T., KEILOR EAST, VIC

MY PUBLIC FUCK: CHOAD VIOLATION

I’VE been keen on the chick who refs my tennis tournament for ages. Amanda’s this blonde stunna with a gorgeous tennis body and legs up to her eyeballs. I knew she wanted me, too, so when I won the last game of the season I decided to throw caution to the wind and make a move.

I approached that stupid tennis umpire seat thing that’s a million miles in the air and asked if she wanted a drink. “I can’t hear you from down there,” she yelled back, and told me to climb up.

I climbed up the ladder, which put me at eye level with her crotch. I had full view of her perfectly shaved minge under her tennis skirt ’cos she wasn’t wearing any grundies!

“What were you saying?” she asked coyly as she gave me a wink. Without hesitation, I stuck my head under her skirt and began working over her juicy clit with my tongue. I licked that thing into submission as she made cute little squealing noises.

I pulled my head out from under her skirt and climbed up a few more steps, which put my cock where my noggin just was. I let my mongrel out and started to hump away at her athletic spadge, which started to upset the seat we were on.

I didn’t realise the fucken thing wasn’t bolted to the ground and we were teetering around a few metres in the air. It was so dangerous, and I think that’s what made Amanda come really hard.

As I finished off all over her honkers, I realised that not everyone had left the court and we were treated to a round of applause from a few onlookers. Amanda wasn’t allowed to ref any games after that, and I got barred from playing tennis. But who gives a fuck?

M.E., HIGHBURY, SA

MY THREESOME: TOSS THE BOSS

MY BOSS Greg and his wife Lindy, the company’s secretary, treated me like crap from the day I started my job. I tried my best to do everything right by them, but they just hated me, so two weeks into it I told him I was going to quit.

Greg asked me to explain why, growling, “See me in my office at five o’clock,” before storming off. So at five that afternoon I approached his office and noticed that all the blinds had been closed. I knocked timidly and a voice from behind the door told me to enter.

I walked in to find Greg sitting in his chair and Lindy lying on the desk naked and fingering herself.

“While you’re still an employee with us, you’ll do as you’re told. Now eat out my wife,” growled Greg.

I’d always had the hots for Lindy, so I nervously got stuck in, running my tongue over every inch of her pussy and making her squeal with happiness. While I was devouring her, Greg walked around behind me, lifted up my skirt and started to finger me with one hand while spanking my arse with the other.

That made me so hot that I tore my mouth away from Greg’s wife’s spam-purse and told him to fuck me. Greg slipped his surprisingly enormous tockley up my snatch and started to pump away.

The excitement got to him a bit, I reckon, and he splurted his load way too early, so I swung my hungry cunny around to Lindy and we 69ed ourselves to orgasm on his desk.

As we all sat around afterwards, they explained that they’d wanted to do that since they hired me but didn’t know how to go about it and were treating me bad to mask their feelings. I told them that all they had to do was ask, then tore up my resignation on the way out.

T.L., THORNTON, NSW

MY THREESOME: BUSTING NUTS OVER BUST-UPS

I’D BEEN living with my woman Kerry for a few years when I got to know her little mate Rachel, who was cute as all fuck. Rach had this boyfriend who was a complete tool and didn’t really get along with anyone. It was only a matter of time before things went downhill for them.

One night there was this crazy knocking at the door. When I opened it, Rachel was crying her eyes out ’cos her deadbeat boyfriend had dumped her for some older woman.

She and Kerry proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced in the lounge room, while I hid in the computer room playing Xbox and trying to ignore Rachel’s wailing. After an hour or so it got very quiet and I heard whispering.

They stumbled into the computer room half-naked and pashing the crap out of each other, then fell onto the bed. “Don’t mind us, honey,” my girlfriend moaned as she slipped two fingers deep into Rachel’s smoo and proceeded to fuck her. “I’m just helping her get over her ex.”

My schlong was rock-hard as I sat there transfixed. Kerry started licking Rach’s clit, alternating between long, slow sweeps and short bursts of flicking. This sent Rachel over the edge and she started to scream about wanting dicks.

“I haven’t got one… you gunna help or what?” Kerry said, looking at my raging boner.

I threw off my clothes and was pumping away at Rachel’s tidy little box before my undies had even hit the floor. The sight of Kerry lying back on the bed fingering herself and watching me fuck her drunk best friend was too much and I had to pull out and unload all over them.

That night was the start of the three of us rooting each other senseless to help Rachel get over her ex, which took about eight sexy months.

V.H., BANKSTOWN, NSW

MY THREESOME: SERVICE WITH A SMILE

MY HUSBAND Jamie and I were having a weekend in a city hotel room for our second wedding anniversary. Hubby poured the last of the champagne into our glasses while I dialled room service to order a few more bottles.

Hubby started to tease me about getting naked for the bellboy after I’d made a few comments about how hot he was. “Bet you won’t,” he laughed.

Dutch courage kicked in, so I stripped off. You could see the whole bathroom from where the room service guy would enter our suite, so I pretended to do my hair in the mirror.

Jamie got the door when he arrived, and the poor bloke nearly dropped the bottles when he saw me starkers. I walked right up to him and said, “What are you looking at?” while rubbing his tocko through his pants.

The poor bloke couldn’t have been a day over 18 and he was stuttering something about employees not being allowed to fraternise with guests. I got down on my knees and started to free his trousersnake, and he shut up after I deep-throated his cock, then waved my husband over so I could have two huge wangs bouncing on my face.

I stood up and pulled the bellboy and my hubby to the bed and made Jamie kneel in front of me while I got down on all fours and sucked his cock. The bellboy slipped easily into my hot hole and fucked me to orgasm. Jamie popped his cork in my mouth and the bellboy did the same on my back as I writhed with pleasure.

Room service fella got dressed and left again, but when he knocked off at 5pm he was straight back with a crate of champagne. There were three very happy people in that room the next morning!

L.O., BURLEIGH WATERS, QLD

MY THREESOME: TASTE THE RAINBOW

I’M A white girl and I’ve never slept with a non-white guy. One night I came home drunk and without a bloke, so I posted up on Craigslist looking for an Asian guy and a darker guy to come around and fuck me. Then I passed out.

I woke up the next day with a shitload of emails in my inbox, all of them with photos of different guys who wanted to root me. That alone turned me on, so I emailed back a Chinese bloke called Kee and an Indian bloke called Jeffrey and told them to be at my house that night.

Kee got there first. He was built like a brick shithouse – one of those karate blokes who was fit and gorgeous. Jeffrey turned out to be a big fat bloke who was wearinga turban, but I was drunk by then so didn’t really care.

I didn’t want to waste any time, so I started to finger myself while my new mates got their gear off. I lay down on the floor and told Jeff to start hammering away at my minge while I buried my face in Kee’s balls and sucked his cock so I didn’t have to look at Jeff’s lardy body.

While Kee was the hot guy, he had zero stamina – the bloke was spraying his load all over my tits in about 20 seconds. Meanwhile, my fat Indian friend was hammering away, trying his hardest to make me orgasm.

China was hard again, so I got the fellas to swap ends while I got up on my knees for some doggy. I was just getting into a good rhythm with Jeff’s porky pappadum when Kee blew another load on my back.

Kee couldn’t get it up again after that, so I told him to sit down and watch as Jeff rooted me to orgasm after orgasm with his big curry cock. Next time I think I’ll try a Sudanese bloke and a Japanese guy…

S.F., PADDINGTON, NSW

MY EASTER FUCK: SUCKING EGGS

LAST Easter I woke up to an empty bed and a note where I usually find my boyfriend James fast asleep. It said: “Happy Easter, baby. I’ve hidden eggs around the house, and when you find them you have to suck them gently to get the cream inside.”

I was so excited that I ran out of the room in the buff, only to find one of James’s best mates, Darryl, lying starkers in the hall. My eyes were drawn straight to his groin area – partly because he had a huge boner and was stroking it vigorously, and partly because his hairless balls were painted blue and orange to look like Easter eggs.

Not one to shy away from a challenge, I got down and started trying to suck the cream out of his cock and nads. I was slurping that meat and two veg like I’d just finished the 40 Hour Famine, and pretty soon I had fuck yolk all over my face and hands, which I scoffed.

I left Darryl to clean up, then I wandered to the kitchen, where I found my bloke and his other mate Jeff sitting on the table with their cocks in their hands and their “eggs” swinging merrily in the wind.

Without saying a word I got down on my knees and assumed the screaming eagle position with one cock in each hand. Then I licked, sucked, blew on slobbered on, jiggled and jerked those knobs and balls like a 24-carat nympho. It didn’t take long for their eggs to erupt, and I drank up all that filling.

Of course, it was only fair for those boys to fuck me for hours afterwards, so we got drunk and took turns rooting. It’s what Jesus would have wanted, I’m sure.

W.S., MELBOURNE, VIC

MY EASTER FUCK: BIG BUNNIES

I’M WRITING to tell you about how I got together with my husband of three years, John. See, I’m a pretty big girl, but I’m proud of who I am and I love the body I have – all of it. Before we got hitched, John was my hot neighbour, and we enjoyed a good friendship and some laughs. But I wanted more.

When Easter rolled around I decided I was going to give him the surprise of his life, so I got several tubs of chocolate body paint and covered my naked body from head to toe in cocoa goodness.

I put on a pair of fluffy bunny ears, grabbed a basket full of Easter eggs I’d prepared earlier, and hopped over to John’s house under the cover of darkness.

I knocked and waited nervously. I was about to turn around and head home but then John opened the front door and looked me up and down. “You look good enough to eat,” he said, simultaneously cracking a smile and a fat in his pants.

He grabbed me by the paw, led me inside and motioned to the lounge. I sat down and he got on his knees, spread my legs and began to lap up the chocolate that had dribbled down over my smoo.

John lashed my clitoris with his tongue and started to finger me as well, all while keeping his eyes on me as I sucked chocolate off my erect nipples. After a few minutes of that he flipped me over and did me doggy style.

As John’s thick todger hammered into my smoo, I felt something squeeze itself into my arse. I turned around to see John slowly shoving little Easter eggs up my butt and the sight of this plus the amazing sensation it was causing in my lower half made me orgasm straight away.

We were married three months later, and now we look forward to Easter even more than Christmas.

J.N., HOBART, TAS

MY EASTER FUCK: THE POWER OF CHRIST CUMPELS HER

EVERY year when Easter rolls around I can’t help but have a little giggle. This story should explain why.

I used to date this very conservative Christian chick when I was young and naive. Her name was Cindy and she was extremely hot. I thought that by staying with her, I’d eventually get a root, until I found out she was married to Jesus or some such shit.

Anyway, even though I knew the relationship was turning to crapola, I just kept hanging on in the vain hope that she’d boff me.

Cindy went to church on Easter Sunday and I stayed home and got wasted. I thought it’d be funny if I dressed my cock up like Jesus, so I drew a face and a beard on my knob, used cotton wool for hair and made him a little blue robe out of tissue paper. It was pretty friggin’ funny, right up until I passed out drunk on the bed after playing dick dress-ups.

When I woke up, I noticed two things. First, I had the hangover to end all hangovers. Second – which made me care a lot less about the first – my mega-spunk Catho girlfriend was riding my cock and moaning in ecstasy.

“What are you doing?” I asked, curious but trying not to upset her rhythm.

“I went back to a friend’s place and had a few wines after mass,” she giggled as she pinched my nipples and rode me harder. “Then when I got home, Jesus appeared to me on your cock. It was a sign that he wants me to have sex with you!”

Not one to question divine intervention, I rolled her over onto her back and began pumping away at her recently-ex-virgin snatch. Right on the verge of ejaculation, I pulled out my apparently sainted wanger and jerked it all over her big religious titties.

As Cindy gobbled up the body of Christ from her cleavage, I passed out again with a giant shit-eating grin on my face. Best Easter ever.

F.W., HOXTON PARK, NSW

MY EASTER FUCK: FASTING FUCK

I LOVE penis. I really, really love it. In fact, I reckon I’ve had over 100 sexual partners and I’m only 20. But my mum started harping on about how many guys I was bringing home all the time, so I said I’d give up fucking for Lent to shut her up.

After 39 painful, sex-free days, I was as wet as an otter’s pocket every time a guy so much as looked in my general direction – it was ridiculous! I decided to go out the night before Holy Saturday so I could pick up a guy, bring him back to mine and break my drought on the stroke of midnight.

I found Brett at a club and told him he was coming home with me and my C-cup boobies. Brett was six-foot tall and built like a footy player, so he was a good choice as the bloke who’d reacquaint me with the meat truncheon.

We got back to my place at about 11 and, despite how badly I needed a dick, I didn’t want to break my promise to my mum, so I made him go down on me for a bit. He wasn’t very good, so I sucked his fat cock, but I didn’t let him come because I didn’t want to waste a big load.

When it was 11.50pm I got naked and started to get myself ready with a finger in my vadge and another working my clit. I made Brett keep his hard-on by pulling himself off, and when my bedside clock hit midnight, he got a run-up and threw himself into my waiting sex cave.

It only took three strokes of Brett’s mighty knob before I was screaming the walls down as I climaxed hard. We fucked for hours after that, but nothing beat that first hard thrust after 40 days of temptation and starvation.

SALLY, GOLD COAST, QLD

MY BEST FUCK: THE COCK CONNOISSEUR

SOME people like going to wine-tasting nights, but me and my friends prefer dick-tasting nights. Basically, all the girls get blindfolded and sit around on the floor, then the guys come in and wave their cocks around in our faces. The girls have to use their nose and tongue to guess whose cock belongs to who.

Last week I was on fire, getting every tockley right. “Um, this tastes a little bit like spinach, so it must be from a vegetarian – that means it’s Carl’s!” I cried. I also correctly guessed Jeremy’s because it was fat and tasted like gravy.

I ended up getting all five correct, which meant I won the major prize – a root with the boys. They led me away to one of the bedrooms, lay me on the bed and then Carl stuck his monster cock in me while I sucked off one of the other lads.

It wasn’t long before I had a dick in my pussy and one in my arse, with the rest of them keeping my mouth and both hands very busy. The boys pounded me for ages, high-fiving each other and whooping it up as they went for it. They kept swapping positions, too, and I loved watching each of their faces as they came..

Just as one of the fellas squirted his spoof into my mouth, the door opened and the other girls burst into the room, saying that just because I won the gold medal didn’t mean I could have all the fun. The 10 of us rooted each other for hours, and in the end we were all covered in sweat and spoof and ready to pass out.

Since then, everyone’s been calling me fucknose – a nickname I’ve kinda come to love!

W.W., WATANOBBI, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: CHEATING CHONK

THE best boning I’ve ever had happened when I dumped my boyfriend for cheating on me with a slut he met at a club while I was away on a family trip. When I found out, I smashed a plate over his head and told him to get out of my life forever. Then I sat at home and got wasted on a bottle of wine.

As I sat there, drunk and thinking about him shagging another woman, I started to get a little bit turned on. My now-ex-boyfriend had a massive cock – positively enormous – and the thought of him pummelling some silly little bitch’s snatch with it really got my juices dribbling.

I sent him a text message saying I wanted him back, but if he wanted to keep me he had to rock up in 10 minutes and not be wearing anything but his underpants and socks when he knocked on my door.

Sure enough, within five minutes there was a knock. I answered it to see Darren standing there with his boner nearly ripping his undies off. I grabbed him on the tocko and dragged him into my room, where I threw him on my bed and got naked.

I grabbed Darren by the back of the head and pushed his head down so he’d eat me out. He did such a good job I thought I was about to explode, and I was coming within a minute.

After that I pushed him back on the bed and climbed onto his mighty mutton dagger. I crammed it all the way in and started riding to my second orgasm. My fury over his cheating kept getting to me, so I twisted his nipples hard and while I fucked him. We finally came together in a sweaty, hatey wreck.

He was a bit gutted when I cheated on him the week after, but everything went back to normal.

H.T., WINGEN, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: BLOWING BUBBLES

MY MOST awesome sexing happened while I was cataclysmically ripped on some beaut gear. Hopefully I’ll be able to buy some more of it with the money I get for this yarn!

There I was, stoned off my balls, when I suddenly got really, really horny. I sent a message to a good mate of mine, Rebecca, to come around and maybe get a little funky. She said yes and I prepared myself by starting to whack off, knowing it might take me a little while to get hard.

When Bec came around, she jumped straight onto my cock – and that’s exactly when the chemicals and booze kicked in properly. As I lay back and enjoyed Bec’s tight minge, things started to get a little freaky.

Bec started morphing into Liz Hurley – my favourite fantasy fuck in the world – which made me screw her even harder. She even had the sexy Pommy accent going on!

Then it got even weirder – Bec grew an extra head with Megan Fox’s face on it! I was in fucken heaven, despite the fact I was rooting a chick who appeared to have two noggins.

As Keira Knightley, Jane Fonda and Lucy Liu also sprouted out from Bec’s neck, I could feel every fibre in her spadge rubbing my schlong like silk. I was on top of the world, banging a chick with five heads.

Bec’s body and the five bonces she was now wielding got off my cock and proceeded to suck it so I could finish in their mouths. As several tongues lashed my twirling penis, I spurted a massive load of what looked like bubbles and soap suds all over the room, then promptly passed out.

What a fuck that was… even if it could’ve left me brain damaged!

DUDE, SUNSHINE COAST, QLD

MY BEST FUCK: FROM WANKER TO ARSEHOLE

I LOVE masturbating, even though I have a pretty solid sex life. I love being in control and I know my cock so well that I can make it feel perfect for ages. Plus it’s fun to be totally selfish every now and again and not have to worry about pleasuring anyone else.

One day my missus went to the shops and I thought I’d belt out a cheeky wank while she was away. I sat down at the computer, loaded up my favourite porno and started to wax the dolphin.

As luck would have it, my friggin’ missus rocked up halfway through the money shot and I didn’t have enough time to put my cock away, stop the porn or even hide the creamy wad of bollock bolognaise that was all over the keyboard.

She looked at my cock, then at me and asked, “Aren’t I enough for you?”

“Yes, of course you are, honey,” I blabbered, trying to stuff my old fella back into my pants. “But…”

And that’s when the goodness happened. Harriet walked over to me with a look of determination in her eyes, knelt down and started sucking my rapidly hardening penis.

“I’m going to be a better root than your hand,” she said through a mouthful of dick as she looked me right in the eyes.

Then my dear Harriet stood up, turned around and lowered herself onto my fuck stick, cramming it right up her tight little arse. We’d never done anal before, so this was a whole new world of pleasure for me!

As she was bouncing her bunghole up and down on my tocko, she reached down and started giving my balls a really good massage and talking dirty to me.

Thanks to the new sensation of anal sex, the surprise of it all and my missus’s dirty mouth, I ended up coming harder than I ever did when I was wanking. Since that day, I haven’t wacked off once.

T.C., THORNLIE, WA

MY COUSIN Robin and all his mates said they’d take me out for my first legal drink on my 18^th birthday. I’m not very big, so it didn’t take me long to get totally plastered on bourbon.

One of the bar chicks was really good-looking and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Robin must have seen me perving, ’cos he gave me a $50 note and told me it was time to order my very first round. “Get whatever you want and hand shandies for the rest of us. Make sure you go to that hottie, but!” he snickered.

“What’s a hand shandy?” I asked, thinking I’d heard someone talking about it before. But he wouldn’t tell me.

I sucked in my guts, puffed out my chest and sauntered up to the bar. “I’ll have five hand shandies for me and my mates, thanks,” I squeaked at the bar glamma.

“What did you say?” she asked, looking very angry. She stormed out from behind the bar and got right up in my face. “Do you even know what a hand shandy is, you little prick?”

I started to stammer a reply but before I could do anything, she lifted me up and sat me on the bar, then unzipped my pants and took out my cock.

“THIS is a hand shandy,” she whispered as she spat on my noodle and started to tug me off with the whole bar looking on. It didn’t take long for me to shoot a load all over my pants. When I was done, she packed my tackle back into my strides, walked back behind the bar and poured me five beers.

The whole bar started cheering and everyone bought me and the bar girl shots all night. I’m 31 now and I’ve still never been as drunk as I was that night.

O.C., NORTH ROCKS, NSW

MY PUBLIC FUCK: CHUTE YOUR LOAD

ME AND my missus Sally are experienced skydivers. I think we’re also the first people in the world to have mid-air anal sex. We were doing a day of skydiving and when lunch rolled around, I asked the pilot if he’d take us up for a personal jump.

We got up to about 4000m and were ready to throw ourselves from the plane when I walked up behind my sexy wife and started rubbing my package up against her arse and kissing her neck. I reached down and ripped off her pants and underwear, grabbed her, and we jumped out of the plane.

At that altitude, we had about a minute of free-falling – and shagging – before we had to separate and deploy our chutes or we’d plummet to the ground and die a sickening death. Without a second to waste, I manoeuvred myself over to Sally and grabbed her in a bear hug.

My cock was already rock-hard from rubbing her up in the plane, so with some frantic wiggling I shoved my throbbing todger up her tight arse and started to thrust away. I could just hear Sally screaming with pleasure and yodelling my name over the roar of the wind, so I knew she was having fun as she frigged her clit with her free hand.

I busted my airborne nut right up her clacker and pushed her away from me to pull my chute. We drifted slowly to the ground and as we touched earth, Sally yelled that it was the fastest and best fuck she’d ever had.

I was too busy wiping the grass off my jizz-covered cock to pay much attention to her, but.

M.H., CANBERRA, ACT

MY PUBLIC FUCK: ONCE YOU GO BLACK…

MY HUBBY Paul is a nice guy but he has a little knob, which I didn’t find out about until after we were married. For years our sex life has been dreadful and I’ve only survived this long thanks to my huge collection of sex toys.

A few months ago I bumped into a black guy at a sex shop. He gave me a flirty smile, motioned to the giant black rubber dick in my hand and said, “There’s really no substitute for the real thing.”

I looked from the dildo to his crotch – which was hiding a mammoth trouser snake – and back again. “I’ll be the judge of that,” I laughed.

We ducked into one of the viewing booths and I removed my knickers right there in front of him. Straight away, he got down on his knees and started licking and sucking my pussy lips. The other customers must’ve heard me as I started to moan.

The big black stranger stood up, bent me over a chair, lifted my long dress over my bum and started teasing my hole with his cock. He’d slide the head of his massive dick in a tiny bit, then pull it back out and repeat. I was gagging for it, so after he’d put a little bit in I pushed back as hard as I could and took his entire 10 inches.

With long, deep strokes, my mystery fuck smashed into me. My juices were flowing as he started to speed up, and I was groaning as he kept jack-hammering away at my swollen pussy.

When he unloaded his jizz into me, I screamed in orgasm. That got the attention of one of the staff, who opened the door and said we had to go. I hurried out of there, but not before buying that huge black dildo.

It comes in handy whenever I want to relive that awesome fuck… which is about every second night.

H.K., BRISBANE, QLD

MY PUBLIC FUCK: TITTY TITTY BANG BANG

I LOVE boobs – big ones, small ones, odd-sized ones, all of them. I tell my missus Jenny all the time how much I love tit wanks and fucking her boobs, but she reckons it’s degrading.

I was looking forward to an awesome screw with Jenny for my birthday this year, but she was having her period when the big day rolled around. On top of that, she’d been to the dentist the day before to get some fillings, so she couldn’t even blow me! To say I was devastated would be an understatement, so she took me to the movies to make up for it.

As we were sitting there I felt Jenny shuffling around next to me, but I was too engrossed in the movie to notice much. I certainly did start paying attention when I felt her get down between my legs, though!

I noticed she wasn’t wearing her blouse or bra, and her huge D-cup dirty pillows were swing freely just inches from my crotch.

The sight of those huge jugs jiggling around in the open gave me a massive stiffy, which Jenny took out of my pants with a smile. “Happy birthday,” she mouthed as she wrapped her cans around my tocko.

Jenny grabbed hold of my balls and started to massage them while she worked her giant jubblies up and down my monster hard-on. Her skin was so smooth it was like fucking two rolled up pieces of silk, and I was in big-tit heaven.

It felt so good that I didn’t even realise I was ready to blow until it was too late. Luckily, Jenny was able to dodge the huge wad I fired off, but I think it landed right in some bloke’s popcorn. When the movie finished and we saw he’d eaten the whole tub, we nearly wrecked our kidneys laughing.

T.S., GOLD COAST, QLD

WHEN I was younger I used to have patches of back pimples that I tried my best to hide. I hadn’t been having much sex or picking up for a while ’cos I was really embarrassed about my acne.

My worst sex happened one night when I pushed all my shyness away and decided I was going out to find a guy. I went to a club and got talking to a cutie named John. We both got quite drunk, flirted a lot and danced. Finally, he asked me to come home with him.

After a few more drinks and some fondling, John took off my pants and threw me back on the bed. “This is it,” I thought. “The drought is over!”

He began to finger me while he pulled out his big cock and got himself hard. Just when I thought he was about to make love to me, John said, “Roll over. I want to do you doggy.”

I froze up, thinking about the mess of pimples on my back. What if he saw them? What if they made him sick? What if he wouldn’t be with me?

Before I could worry about it any more, John flipped me over and started rooting me silly. It felt great as he pumped his penis into me, and after all that time without cock, I felt like I was going to explode.

It was all going as well as I’d hoped it would… right up until the point where John started popping the pimples on my back, laughing drunkenly as he did it. The feeling started to make me sick but I was so close to coming that I just held it in.

As I finally reached orgasm, the sex and the pimple-popping combined with the grog got a bit too intense and I vomited into my mouth a little bit. I never saw John again after that, but at least he cleared up a lot of my pimples.

R.T., OXENFORD, QLD

MY WORST FUCK: FUCKBOOK

MY WORST fuck happened with a chick who just sort of appeared in our social circle one night when we went to a house party. I’ll call her Anna.

Anna was kind of good-looking but just… strange. She always said the wrong thing, wore odd clothes, appeared randomly at events we didn’t invite her to, that sorta thing. She was nutty, but she had big tits, so we kept her around.

Fast forward a few weeks and the pair of us are the last two out at the pub, and we’re trying to out-drink each other. We got booted and she suggested going back to her place to kick on.

As soon as we walked in her front door, Anna pashed me. Being drunk and thinking with my dick, I started kissing her back and having a bit of a grope. We snogged our way to her bedroom and started to undress.

I lay down on the bed and Anna got hopped onto my cock for a bit of a ride. I reached for her bedside table lamp to see what she looked like naked but she kept slapping my hands away. Her pussy was incredibly tight and I was having a ball, so I reached up to feel some boobage – they were huge!

I knew I had to catch a glimpse of the twins so I quickly lunged at the lamp again and turned it on. All over her wall I could see pictures of me that Anna had printed out from Facebook. Like, fucken heaps of them. And we weren’t even friends on the website!

“I love you!” Anna started screaming wide-eyed as she jiggled around on my knob. I freaked out, pushed her off me and got dressed as quickly as I could. By the time she was back on her feet I was out the front door and bolting into the cold night with her running after me, proclaiming her love.

God, did she get shit from my mates after that!

F.M., ESSENDON NORTH, VIC

MY WORST FUCK: SHE LOVES ME NOT

I’VE been getting my fair share of hot blokes, but when my luck fails I always have Joel to fall back on. He isn’t the best-looking bloke, and he’s not fit, but he does have his own house and a big cock. Still, he’s not a fella I’d usually be seen in public with.

One night I went out with my girlfriends and didn’t find a guy, so I rang trusty Joel to come pick me up. I sucked his thick fuck-stick while he drove us to his house.

Once inside, Joel had my clothes off and was eating my pussy. I had all these good thoughts running through my head until he said, through a mouthful of my flaps, “I think I’m in love with you.”

I pushed him away with my feet and screamed, “You fucking WHAT?”

He laughed it off, so I pushed his head back into my snatch. After he’d made me come, I lay him down and stood over his huge, pink prick. I slid it into me and squealed as it filled me up.

I started to frig my clit while I bounced on his pole and just as I was getting close to another big O, I pulled him out and pushed that massive hunk of meat towards my waiting arsehole. With the aid of my pussy juices, I eased his slug into my tight bum and started to ride him.

It was then Joel reached into his drawer and pulled out a small box. “Will you marry me?” he blurted as I slid up and down on his monster wang.

I was fucken stunned. I jumped off his cock and looked at him lying on the bed with a ring in his hand and my wetness all over his knob.

“I’d better go,” I stammered, feeling my vagina shrivel back in on itself. Even though I came, it was easily the worst shag I’ve ever had.

D.K., GEELONG, VIC

MY WORST FUCK: THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN

MY HUBBY is a wanker with a small dick, but he has more money than the Pope, which is why I stay with him. One of Clint’s favourite things to do is take a bunch of mates out on his huge-arse boat for the day, get rolling drunk and be a pain in the arse.

Clint took me along one Saturday and was wasted within an hour. When he came up to me and started feeling my tits through my blouse, I knew what was coming next. “Come on, let’s go up the back for a sneaky one!” he slurred.

I really wanted to hit him up for an expensive pair of shoes later on, so I followed him up the back of the boat. He slopped his tongue in my mouth for a bit while groping around my skirt.

Clint turned me around and bent me over the side railing, and I began to get a bit turned-on. It was a beautiful day, I had an amazing view and my bloke had actually managed to find my clit for once. But then he dropped his pants and stuck his little prick in my pussy and it really took the gloss off.

Hubby started to pump away and get a bit happy with his thrusts. He was reaching around, grabbing my tits and pushing his finger into my pubic bone, thinking it was my love button.

Just as he started to make the bizarre grunting noise that signal he’s coming, I lost my footing on the wet deck and his final thrust sent me flying over the railing and into the water with a load of his spoont chasing after me – right into a bunch of jellyfish.

It took the prick about half an hour to turn the boat around and get someone to fish me out of the water. Naturally, I got my revenge by fucking our hot Brazilian gardener the next day.

D.P., BALLAJURA, WA

MY BEST FUCK: BITCH-HIKER

MY CAR is a piece of shit, but I can’t afford a new one. So when the fuel gauge fucked up and I ran out of petrol on a highway in the middle of nowhere, I just started walking towards the nearest town.

After a few kilometres, a Kombi van whizzed past, then stopped a little further up the highway. As I ran up to it, this smoking hottie hopped out of the passenger door and asked if I wanted a lift.

She introduced herself as Titsy and said the driver was Buttsy, her best mate. Before I could make any small talk or thank them, Titsy told me to get in the back.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head as she took off her top, letting loose the biggest set of knockers I had ever seen in my life – they were easily G-cups. With blood hammering its way down to my penis, I slipped between the seats, lay down on the floor of the van and got my gear off.

Titsy came back, got between my legs and gave me a tit-fuck that could’ve been an award-winning porno sequence! She was spitting, pulling sexy faces and moaning like mad, then she hopped on my pulsating knob and rode me until she climaxed.

As soon as I’d blown, the brakes squealed and we came to an abrupt halt. The side door opened and Buttsy got in while Titsy got out, started the car and kept driving.

Before I could even wipe the smoo juice off my wanger, Buttsy buried my cock in her arse and told me to jackhammer it into her. We both screamed as we orgasmed at the same time, and it was so intense I nearly passed out.

Suddenly, the car stopped and the two girls kicked me out. “We’re done with you – get your own petrol!” Titsy yelled.

I ended up walking nearly 10 kilometres to find a servo, but Christ, was it worth it!

F.B., TAMARAMA, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: SNAKES ALIVE!

I HANG out at goth clubs a lot on weekends. All the guys seem to be poofy, emo wankers who just want to talk about feelings and shit, when I’m just after someone to take home and make me come until I faint.

Another Saturday night was drawing to a close and I suspected I’d be leaving without a bloke when I spotted this guy at the bar. He was huge and had a shaved head – a lot like Vin Diesel, who’s my dream man.

I went to chat to him, but before I could say a word, he opened his mouth and showed me his tongue. It was about five inches long and split at the end, like a snake’s. I nearly came on the spot.

“Do you want to come home with me?” I asked, pissing off the formalities. He nodded and we basically ran to my house and made a beeline for the bedroom.

Without saying a word, my mystery bloke pushed me onto the bed and stripped me naked ever so slowly. I was quivering with excitement and my vadge was as wet as an otter’s pocket.

He slowly made his way down to my love hole and started to flick his tongue over everything. When he massaged my clit with his split tongue it was like two moist little hands were hugging my love bud.

Let me tell you, ladies, it was the most sensational thing I’ve ever felt, and I still get a bit sloppy when I think about it. I must’ve come a dozen times before he stood up and dropped his pants to reveal the longest and thickest cock I’d ever seen – and I watch a lot of pornos!

Up my smoo it went and I he fucked the brains out of my head. Finally, Vin-lookalike pulled out and spaffed a huge wad of baby gravy over my tits. Then he stood up and walked out of my life.

I check the goth clubs every weekend for that bloke, but I never find him. Wherever you are, snake man, I miss you!

S.M., GIPPSLAND, VIC

MY BEST FUCK: GET AN ELF UP YA

I’M REALLY into role-playing, but my boyfriend Dale isn’t that keen. So when he said we could do ANY fantasy I could think of, I racked my brains, knowing it’d have to be a good one.

We’re both pretty nerdy, so I ran up to the costume shop at lunch on Friday and grabbed his-and-hers elf costumes for the weekend. I ran home and tried mine on, admiring how it made my D-cup tits look bigger than normal.

When my boyfriend got home, I made him dress up. “This is stupid,” he said, adjusting his tackle in the green tights.

“You said anything,” I pouted, and he asked me what happens next. “We’re going to fuck like bunnies!” I smiled, and we had a good laugh. Then we ate some “elf bread” I’d prepared earlier and went out to the garden to be one with the trees.

I could see Dale was getting pretty tired of it, so I slowly unbuttoned my green shirt and whispered, “What do your elf eyes see?”

“Tits,” he mumbled as he got down on his knees and ripped off my tights. Then he invaded my enchanted forest with his tongue. I grabbed on to his big, pointy, stick-on ears and forced his magic licker even further into my smoo, which brought me to the point of orgasm.

I bent over the garden table, looked back over at my elf warrior and cried, “Slay me! Slay me with your enormous meat sword!” Dale managed to keep a straight face as he plunged into my pussy and pummelled me hard.

“You’re a naughty dark elf, aren’t you?” I moaned as he hammered my love tunnel and called me filthy names, before finally getting his end away.

As we cleaned up, Dale asked me with a sly smile, “What are we going to dress up as next weekend?”

G.O., CROWS NEST, NSW

MY BEST FUCK: DUMP ’N’ PUMP

MY BEST root happened ages ago, when I was in high school. This guy in my year, Jim, had been dating a sort-of friend of mine called Cindy. He was a dick and because of that, me and Cindy didn’t really hang out that much.

One night I got a text from her, asking me to come around ’cos her and Jim had broken up and she didn’t have anyone to talk to.

I dressed up, put on some aftershave and drove around there to find Cindy in tears. She started babbling about the break-up and how she wished we’d stayed friends all these years.

As she was crying, I couldn’t help but notice her massive whumbas jiggling with each sniffle, and I must confess that I got a bit horny.

Cindy kept getting closer and touchier as she cried, and I just took the plunge and started to pash her. I was worried she might pull away and crack the dirts, but it was on like Donkey Kong!

Sweet, innocent Cindy whipped my pants off and put my cock in her mouth. She hoovered the cum right out of me before I could blink. Seriously, this bird made me spaff in about 20 seconds and I’m usually alright in bed.

After that, she got a bit sad again and started to complain about her relationship ending. Meanwhile, I barred up for round two.

This time she got on top and rode me hard. Cindy was really getting into it – the springs were squeaking and the top of the bed was digging a hole in the wall. I thought she was actually going to fuck me to death!

Finally, she had enough and fell off me onto the bed. When she’d fallen asleep, I crept out and went home.

A week or so after, I heard her and Jim got back together. But I can’t WAIT for them to break up again.

H.B., PERTH, WA

I WAS having the cuntiest day at baseball training, so I packed it in and went home early to my girlfriend, Jenny. I let myself into our flat and was greeted by the sounds of sex coming from our bedroom.

Still fully dressed in my uniform, I charged in, ready to break the face of the guy my girlfriend was getting ploughed by. Except it wasn’t a guy’s face buried in her snatch, but Tessa’s – one of the cute girls she works with at the local pub.

I was mesmerised watching Tessa’s tongue-bolt work over my girlfriend’s clit while she was three fingers deep in her love tunnel. It was hot as fuck and I was boned up in seconds.

Tessa reached back and spread her flaps with one hand and said, “Could you pass that over?” and pointed at a little novelty baseball bat I kept in the bedroom.

I wasn’t gunna pass up an opportunity like that, so I grabbed a bottle of lube from the bedside table, slathered it all over the substitute dildo and slipped that slugger right up Tessa’s ravenous smoo.

She cried out with pleasure and orgasmed almost straight away, which sent my girl over the top and the two of them nearly screamed the fucken house down.

Not wanting the bat to have all the fun, I hammered my pork sword into Jenny’s moot while Tessa went to sit on my girlfriend’s face for a solid licking. A few minutes later, I sprayed baby gravy everywhere.

The girls got into a 69er as I sat back and watched the action, and it made me hard again in no time. I lay down so Tessa could ride my slug while I went down on my woman’s box.

And that was how we spent the rest of the day. And the next day, and the next day…

G.M., KELLYVILLE, NSW

MY THREESOME: BIRTHDAY SNAKES

I TOLD my boyfriend that I wanted my 20th birthday to be really special, and he pulled out all the stops to make my wish come true.

We had a few close friends and family around that night for a nice, civil dinner. Everyone had some drinks and some laughs and then went home. My boyfriend told me to stay in the lounge room for 20 minutes and then come into the bedroom and my surprise would be waiting for me.

I was so excited for those 20 minutes that I nearly snuck a peek at my surprise, but the time finally passed and I bolted into the bedroom, ready to see what he’d gotten me.

Inside, I found a big table next to the bed with a giant rectangular cake on it. The cake had two throbbing penises sticking through it. They belonged to my guy, Kevin, and his best mate Robbo.

They were both lying on the bed with their bottom halves under the table, and they were both hung like donkeys, so there was still a good five inches of cock sticking out of the cakes!

“I’d better eat some of that,” I smiled as I walked over to the cake and grabbed the two huge, fleshy candles. I worked both knobs at once, sucking and spitting on them and made them both squirt icing all over my face at the same time.

Then the boys got out of their magical cake-table contraption and we fucked in every position for the whole night. It was the best birthday present I ever had, even though it was 18 years ago!

B.L., CLOVELLY, NSW

MY THREESOME: TWO GUYS, A GIRL AND A PIZZA PLACE

MY DAD owns a pizza store and he often leaves me in charge on weeknights. It’s good money but boring as hell. One night I was thinking about telling him to stick it, but then I had an amazing experience that changed me forever.

The shop was empty when these two really cute and really drunk guys came in. They weren’t being rude or anything, they were just telling jokes and falling over themselves. I made them their food and sat down with them for a bit.

Their names were Chris and Hamish and they’d been at a 21st that night. When they pulled out their wallets to pay, I lifted up my apron and dress to show them I was wearing no undies. “Maybe you can give me something else instead of money?” I purred.

Chris picked me up and sat me on the counter, hoisted up my dress and started growling me out. Hamish jumped up onto the counter, flopped his cock out and waved it in front of my face.

I went down on him like my life depended on it, and Hamish actually had to pull away ’cos he didn’t want to come too quickly. The two swapped positions and I gave Chris a good sucking while Hamish starting pumping away at my moist snatch.

I’d always wanted to suck two dicks at once, so I got down on my knees and had the guys stand in front of me, working both poles like a pro. I brought them both to the brink of shooting their loads when I realised I didn’t want my face totally covered in come, so I made them jizz onto one of the pizza bases I’d prepared.

The next day, I served that pizza to the bitch my ex-boyfriend left me for. Then I told my dad I never wanted to stop working at his shop!

B.V., UPPER PLENTY, VIC

MY THREESOME: STROKE OF MIDNIGHT

WHEN I was 19 I had the best sex of my life. Bit of a shame to peak so early, but what can ya do?

I went to my mate Jeff’s place to get pissed while his older sister Nat had some friends around for a sleepover. Nat was a spunk but she hated my guts ’cos I was always perving on her. In fact, she hated all Jeff’s mates.

Jeff and I had a few beers, perved on Nat’s mates, then I crashed in the spare room, thinking that was the end of a beaut night. But at about midnight I was woken by the sound of giggles and the door to my room opening.

In stumbled Talia and Mary, two of the girls who were supposed to be asleep in the lounge room. I pretended to be out to it as they tip-toed over and slipped into bed with me. “Wake up, Gary,” one of them crooned as they massaged my rapidly stiffening cock. “Tonight we’ll make you a man.”

Without saying another word, Talia slipped her smoo onto my boner and I was no longer a virgin! Mary kept kissing me, tweaking my nipples and showing me how to move my hips. Then she sat on my face and showing me the finer points of eating pussy.

I mumbled through a mouthful of beaver, telling the girls that I was about to come, and Talia got off and let me blow in her mouth. Then the two of them got into a 69er until I was ready to go again. Mary bent over the bed and I did her doggy style as Talia instructed me, then jerked me off onto her heaving tits.

They left after about four hours and I fell asleep, exhausted. The next day I told Jeff what had happened and he laughed and said that they took his virginity that night before they’d come to me. Those horny bitches!

G.T., GOLD COAST, QLD

MY WORST FUCK: CHILLI CON CARNT

MY WORST fuck started out with the best of intentions, but rapidly degenerated into a screaming cluster-fuck of agony. I was trying to impress this hot chick from uni called Lucy by inviting her over and cooking a nice meal. She told me that she was into spicy dishes, so I made a chilli beef salad to see if I could feed her MY beef salad a bit later, if ya know what I mean.

I’d had a few drinks while cooking and Lucy arrived at my joint a bit pissed and obviously horny. She walked straight in the front door and stuck her tongue down my throat and her hands down my pants.

Lucy made me sit down on the coffee table, where she freed my knob from the horrible confines of pants-town and started giving me the greatest blow-job of all time. I was nearing the point of filling her mouth with baby batter so I thought I should return the favour and told her to swing her snatch around for me to gobble.

Assuming the 69er position on the table, I beat the fuck out of her clit with my tongue and made her moan like a dying water buffalo. Just as I reached the vinegar stroke, I made a last-ditch effort at getting Lucy to come by shoving a finger in her date and one in her moot at the same time.

Of course, having gone straight from handling chilli to digital penetration of the female anatomy, Lucy was less than impressed. There was steam pouring out of her ears, swear words spurting from her mouth and fuck juice flying from my penis as the burning spread through her tender bits.

From the bathroom she continued to scream about killing me as I cleaned my spoont off the table and the carpet, and she carried on wailing as she ran out the front door, never to speak to me again.

The salad was heaps good, but!

N.O., PADDINGTON, NSW

MY WORST FUCK: SOUTH OF THE BORDER

AFTER high school I headed off on a round-the-world trip. After kissing my boyfriend Kevin goodbye at the airport, I rooted my way through Europe, then banged my way across America and finally ended up in Mexico, where I fucked as many dirty little bastards as I could.

On my last night before flying home I hit the piss in a scabby little bar in Cancún. The blokes in there were disgusting, so I didn’t even bother trying to pick up, but around midnight a terrible thought struck me – I hadn’t bought anything for Kevin while I was away.
I felt kinda bad about spreading my legs for dozens of foreigners while he waited for me at home, so I started looking around the bar for something I could steal to give to him.

Just then a bloke walked in wearing a huge sombrero, and I thought it’d make the perfect gift for Kevin. I offered him $10 for it but he refused, saying he’d only hand it over if I rooted him. He was old, fat and ugly but I really wanted the hat, so I told him to join me in the toilets.

The brasco was filthy, but that was the last thing I was thinking about as I sucked the chubby Mexican’s plonker. It tasted like a rotten burrito and I started gagging, so I told the bloke to fuck me instead. He smashed into me for five minutes or so before blowing his taco sauce deep inside my snatch, then I grabbed his sombrero and ran back to the hotel.

Kevin was so happy with his new hat that he wore it everywhere for the next week. I dumped him, of course – nobody wants to go out with a muppet who wears a sombrero.

H.R., WHYALLA, SA

MY WORST FUCK: BREWER’S BONER

I ONCE met this guy who reckoned he had the complete opposite of brewer’s droop and that alcohol was like bloody Viagra, except he couldn’t come. Jimmy and I got to be friends and laughed about his problem a lot.

One night we were drunk at his place when I saw he was sporting a boner that could knock a fully grown man out. I told him I was a sensational root and I reckoned I could make him spaff and if I couldn’t, I would fuck him sober so he could blow.

Of course, Jimmy was stoked that he was going to get his end away so easily, he was naked in a heartbeat. I slowly undressed, hoping a bit of visual stimulation might make it easier, then got down on my knees and gave him what I thought was the best blowjob ever. It did nothing.

I got up on the kitchen table and let Jimmy go at my tight little snatch. He pumped away for about 20 minutes before I made him go and get some lube. Then I offered up my back alley, which also did nothing!

I fucked him every way I knew how with every hole I had and the bloke still didn’t come close to unloading. I was devastated and really sore from all the pummelling I took.

When we sobered up the next day, I told Jimmy he could nail me and he blew his nut after three strokes!

It was fucked.

MEL, GYMEA, NSW

MY WORST FUCK: SUCK MY SOCK

LAST weekend marked my seventh month of not getting dicked, so I went out on the town and promised myself I wouldn’t go home until I’d bagged a bloke. After a few drinks, I approached a kinda plump guy who’d had been smiling in my direction most of the night and made some small talk. Bruce had a really cute face, so I kept drinking until I found him really attractive, then I suggested we head back to his place and get to know each other better.

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other in the cab home and I reached down for a squeeze of his package – it was huge!

When we got in the door, Bruce picked me up and took me to his bed. He stripped me naked, lay me down and ate me out better than any bloke I’d ever let down there before. He had a tongue like a rattlesnake and his aim was perfect. I must have had 900 orgasms before I told him to get up so I could return the favour.

I got down on my knees and rubbed his junk through his pants, then sexily unzipped his fly with my teeth. As I looked up expecting to be hit in the head by his huge slug, I was instead treated to a smack in the face by a pair of rolled-up socks.

As they fell to the floor, I could see Bruce’s vagina peering at me. No wonder he ate such good pussy… it was because he fucken HAD one!

The lying bitch started laughing and telling me to eat her out, so I slapped her right on the pussy, got dressed and left. I got some mates to egg her house non-stop for a few months, and I paid for a male escort the weekend after so I knew exactly what I was getting.

T.M., PERTH, WA

MY PUBLIC FUCK: COCK TRAP

WHEN those photos of the two hot chicks and the two dumb blokes posing on Northern Territory croc traps ran in the papers, it reminded me of the time I headed into the bush and did something similar to show off for me mates.

I’m pretty close to a swimming spot that has a trap in it, but no-one’s seen a croc in there for fucken yonks. It was no hassle for me to chuck a sickie, grab a sixpack and a pizza, head down there and make a day of it.

When I got down to the water, I found a Pommy tourist chick doing exactly the same thing! She was a tiny little brunette with tits like watermelons and a ferocious laugh, so I offered her a beer and a slice.

She said her name was Kerry and we hammered through the sixer and the pizza in about 15 minutes. Thankfully, she had a bottle of rum in her backpack, so we started to get into that, too.

Kerry stripped down to her bikini and started posing on the trap while I took some photos with her camera. She flashed her huge chest puppies for a bit of a joke and I instantly barred up. When she told me to get up there and join her, I put the camera down and got on top of the croc trap.

This little hottie dakked me and got down on all fours with her sexy back door pointed right at me. I pushed her skimpy bikini to the side and ploughed her doggy-style, being careful not to go too hard, lose my balance and become food for a saltie.

We heard rustling in the bushes and the pair of us freaked, thinking it was croc time, but it was actually some other tourists. A couple of them started taking photos before some chick they were with went berko and stopped them.

Kerry and I were laughing so hard we had to stop fucking. After the others buggered off, we went back to dry land and finished our fuck there.

O.I., DARWIN, NT

MY PUBLIC FUCK: A LITTLE NIGHT NOOKIE

MY HUSBAND is the conductor for a local classical music group and he had a huge performance one night a couple of years ago. We hadn’t had sex for ages ’cos he’d been rehearsing at all hours, so I decided to spice up the concert for him.

I arrived at the auditorium really early, snuck on-stage and settled into the space under the conductor’s lectern. I pulled the curtain shut and waited for the performance to begin.

It was bloody cramped and I was relieved when I heard the band members start tuning up. Soon the audience took their seats and silence fell over the hall. I heard my husband’s familiar footsteps as he walked across the stage to take his place.

When they had their first break, I opened the curtain and tugged at his pants. He panicked, but when he saw it was me he kept his cool, knowing the entire crowd was watching him. Ever the professional, he started conducting as I unzipped his fly and warmed up his skin flute.

I was licking his balls, tonguing the tip of his knob and wanking him off as best I could. I tried stuffing his balls into my mouth and humming along with the song, and I even deep-throated him, but nothing could put him off!

When I finally made him come in my mouth, his huge load nearly blew my tonsils out. He clearly hadn’t emptied his taddie bags in quite a while.

When the performance was over, I waited until everyone had left before emerging. My hubby was waiting by the car and the first thing he said was, “That was the best blowie I’ve EVER had!”

Bugger the bloody musicians – I reckon I’m the one who deserved the standing ovation that night.

F.N., BONDI, NSW

MY PUBLIC FUCK: SNAKES ON A PLANE

I’M A bit of a slut – and proud of it! – so when I took my first trip overseas, I knew I was going to join the mile-high club one way or another.

My first flight was to Germany and I was lucky enough to be sitting between two handsome Krauts who were going home for the holiday season. Rainier, Hans and I drank and flirted for hours, and it was clear they were both up for a little something when I stuck my hands under their blankets and started massaging their big, hard cocks.

When we were pretty sure everyone had fallen asleep, they told me to follow them to the toilets. But I had a better idea; we quietly unbuckled, slipped out of our seats and ducked into the little kitchenette, which was empty.

Hans took me from behind while I took Rainier’s tockley in my mouth, which stopped me from making too many loud noises. If I hadn’t done that, I probably would’ve woken everyone on the plane, ’cos Hans really knew how to use his equipment!

After Hans had finished off on my back, they switched places and Rainier had a turn. He fucked a lot harder than his mate, and he made me come twice in the space of 10 minutes.

We crept back to our seats, got comfy and looked around to see that everyone was still sleeping. It was the perfect crime. We had a nap, and I spent the rest of the flight going to the toilets with each of them for a quick length whenever they wanted to.

After a whole lot of trips to the dunny, we finally landed. As people got off the plane, a few blokes came up and patted me on the back, thanking me for the show. I guess not everyone was asleep, after all.

JENNY, PERTH, WA

MY PUBLIC FUCK: WET PUSSY

I USED to be a bit of a fat fuck and I got totally sick of it, so I started doing laps at a public pool near my house. On my first day there I tried to crack onto this hot chick, but she looked me up and down, and told me to fuck off and leave her alone.

That was all the motivation I needed to swim my guts off over the coming months, and now I’m toned and built like an AFL player.

Anyway, I was doing some laps at sparrow fart the other day when that same bird came up to me, introduced herself as Debbie and asked for some tips on her stroke. She didn’t even recognise me as the whale who’d tried to put it on her.

We went to a quiet corner pool and she swam around for a bit to show me her style. Every time she swam away from me, I could see the bottom of her bikini start to crawl up her pert little arse, and it gave me a huge stiffy.

She came over and I got her to float on her stomach while I held her in place with one hand. Debbie kept brushing up against my boner while she was practising her stroke, and pretty soon she was just using it to hold herself up the water.

“Is that for me?” she giggled. As she laughed, the two bits of her bikini suddenly floated to the surface and she was starkers!

I let my cock out and Debbie wrapped her legs around me, taking it into her wet smoo. We talked dirty while she rode me underwater, and anyone else at the pool would’ve thought we were just kissing and cuddling.

Eventually I threw a huge load into her, and I couldn’t help but cry out. Deb thought quickly and covered it up by saying, “Sorry! I forgot about your bad knee!” ’cos every bastard in the joint was looking at us.

The next day, I turned up at the crack of dawn again, and Debbie rocked up 10 minutes later. This time she didn’t even swim – she just told me to come back to hers. We’ve been rooting ever since.

J.H., GOLD COAST, QLD

I’D BEEN with my girlfriend for ages and we loved a bit of a public fuck. No matter where we went, we were always up for it, and we often dressed for maximum public-rooting convenience – she always wore a dress and no undies, and I usually went commando. One time we were up the back of a bus on the way to my parents’ house for dinner. It was crowded as all fuck, so Gemma was sitting on my lap. After about five minutes of my missus intentionally grinding onto my cock as hard as she could, I was sporting a boner that would put Rocco Siffredi to shame. With a bit of discreet shuffling around, I was soon balls-deep in her, and no-one was any the wiser. As the bus stopped and started, she rocked back and forth on my cock as we both looked out the window and pretended to be admiring the scenery. I was about ready to unleash a batch of gentleman’s relish in her smoo, so I rocked her back and forth a bit harder. Then, all of a sudden, the bus hit a speed bump at some velocity. This sent my girl flying a few centimetres into the air – just enough for my knob to slip out and for her to come crashing down onto it, snapping it clean in fucken half. I squealed like a little bitch and pushed Gemma off, and she tumbled into a couple on the next seat. I bent over to examine my poor cock and saw that it was already bruising like mad. It took an almighty effort to grab Gemma and get off the bus at the next stop. With my battered beef bayonet making we double over in agony, we hopped in a cab straight to hossie. It was nearly two months after that incident before I finally got to ball my missus again.

M.M., MAROUBRA, NSW

MY WORST FUCK: BAGGED A HOTTIE

THIS is a tale of heartbreak, agony and epic whoring. It was Friday night and I was getting stuck into the first of many drinks at my favourite pick-up joint. The place was a meat market and I knew I’d land some primo poon to start the weekend off with a bang. I soon met Jodie. She was a petite blonde with big tits and a killer smile. When she winked at me across the room, I made my move. A few cheesy lines and tequila slammers later, we were back at her place and she had my cock in her mouth.

Jodie stopped and lay down on the coffee table with her legs spread far and wide. I grabbed the franger she’d given me earlier, rolled it onto my cock and slipped it straight into her smoo. Now, I don’t have the biggest cock in the world, but it goes alright. And Jodie seemed to have a… er, wide-set vagina. I got her to put her feet on my chest to squash her spadge together and make it a bit tighter, but something still felt a bit odd. After a few minutes I stopped and said I needed some water. As I pulled my sheathed dick out of her, another condom came out of her vajayjay like a hanky from a wizard’s sleeve. I pulled it all the way out and the damn thing was nearly the size of a fucken garbage bag! I looked at sweet Jodie with dismay and stuttered something incoherent. What sort of horse-cocked freaks had she slept with this week? She just looked at me and said, “What? You think you’re the only bloke I’ve fucked tonight, do ya?” I threw the condom on the floor, got dressed and stormed out. Ever since then, I get a funny feeling whenever I take the garbage out at home. It brings back bad memories.

J.G., GOLD COAST, QLD

MY WORST FUCK: WOMB BROOM SERVICE

I’D JUST landed in Paris at the beginning of a two-week honeymoon with my brand new spunk of a wife and I had a boner that could knock a horse out cold. We hopped in a cab from the airport and started making out in the back, unable to keep our hands off each other. We checked in at the hotel and bolted to our room, desperate to rip each other’s clothes off after 14 hours on a fucken plane. Before the door had even slammed shut, I had my wife bent over the bed with her dress up around her head. With a flick of the hips I was balls-deep in her vadge and going for glory. She gets into doggy like crazy and nothing – and I mean nothing – can distract her.

I sensed she was just about to come, so I got ready to blow my load, too. Just as it started to flow through my body, I heard a knock on the door and the sound of a key in the lock. The door opened and I started to scream at the housekeeping lady in English not to enter. My wife clicked back to reality, saw a figure at the door, rolled over and dropped to the bed just as I squirted a giant load all over the place. The housekeeping lady had this horrified look on her face, there was jizz all over everything and my wife was screaming at her in very bad French. I think she was telling her to get the fuck out of our room. After the most awkward 30 seconds of my life, the lady did just that. Me and the missus weren’t too worried about how she’d react to my spoof-chucking antics, but we should’ve been. Early the next day the hotel manager asked for a meeting with us, and we got kicked out of the hotel for “improper behaviour”. Turns out the housekeeping lady claimed some of my jit landed on her dress. I dunno about that – I was horny, but not horny enough to shoot my wad across a whole room!

C.V., CRONULLA, NSW

MY WORST FUCK: FUCK = Mc²

DESPITE what chicks say about rooting buff blokes and athletes and stuff, I find that getting naked with nerds is most fulfilling. If you can get over how bizarre and weedy most of them look, they actually try the hardest to please girls, ’cos they never know if they’re going to get laid again. Even though I love shagging geeks and I’ve had more of them through me than the check-outs at Harvey Norman, I felt like I needed a change. So I got off the computer one Saturday night and went out to a club.

I’m a pretty decent-looking girl, so it didn’t take me and my E-cup boobs long to find a big hunk of man meat to take back to my place. Darryl was his name and he was built like a brick shithouse. Fuck offering him a coffee – I just threw off my skirt and top and sat down on the lounge in my stilettos and lacy lingerie. I moved my undies to the side with one hand, played with my boobs with the other, and it Darryl shudder. Then a stain started to appear in his pants.

“Sorry,” he said, trying to hide the leaky spoof patch. I rolled my eyes and told him to eat me out, and he tried to. But the dopey prick couldn’t have found my clit with a GPS, he was that useless. Still, he kept at it for a few minutes, and I saw that he was hard again. I told Darryl to take off his pants and fuck me. When he freed his three-inch cock, I couldn’t believe it. How was I going to get any satisfaction out of that? Still, I was so horny I decided to give it a go. Darryl put it in – or at least I think he did – and pumped away for a few seconds before a tiny little bit of cum dribbled meekly out of his todger.

That was the last straw. I booted Darryl out, got on the net and arranged to get one of my nerdy fuck buddies over to do me like a real man.

B.D., POORAKA, SA