AFTER Gary, Trent and Bazza got stranded on an island, a group of cannibals captured them and took them back to their village.
“You must each go into the forest and find 10 pieces of the same fruit,” said the leader of the cannibals, and the three fellas went off and did as they were told.
Gary returned first with 10 apples. The head cannibal said that if he could shove all 10 apples up his arse without crying, he’d be free to go. Gary poked six of the apples up his arse before bursting into tears, so the cannibals ate him.
Trent turned up next with 10 strawberries. The cannibal leader told him that if he could shove all 10 strawberries up his blurter without laughing, he’d be free to go. Trent stuffed nine of them up his bum before he started laughing as hard as he could, so the cannibals ate him.
Up in heaven Gary turned to Trent and asked him why he started laughing when he was so close to completing the challenge.
“I couldn’t help it,” giggled Trent. “I saw Bazza coming back with 10 pineapples.”
G.D., PENRITH, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I guess I’m gunna fade into Bolivian.”
OK, WHO’S KEEN TO CORRECT MIKE TYSON?

A NEWLYWED coupled booked into a hotel during their honeymoon. Two days into their week-long hoiday, the wife stormed up to the front desk and demanded a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later the husband swaggered past the front desk and the concierge, unable to contain his curiosity, went over and stopped him in his tracks. “Sir, were you not having a good time?” asked the concierge.
“Yeah, I’ve been having the time of my life,” grinned the husband, “but it’s been with the maid.”
I.I., PALMERSTON, NT

Q. WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE A HEADLIGHT?
A. THEY BOTH GET SCREWED ON THE FRONT OF CARS.
G.R., WHYALLA, SA

AN OLD lady was standing at the rail of a cruise ship, holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. A young bloke approached her and said, “Excuse me, madam, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.”
“But madam,” the fella, “you must know that your arse is exposed!”
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”
M.F., PERTH, WA

Q. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN EGG WITH A SPERM?
A. AN OMELETTE YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T EAT.
L.Y., HORSHAM, VIC

TROY walked into the kitchen one morning to see his missus preparing soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, only this time she was completely naked!
“You’ve got to make love to me this second,” she gasped. Troy quickly thanked his lucky stars, then bent his wife over the bench and plunged his pecker deep inside her snatch.
After shooting his load, Troy asked his missus why she was so keen to bang him that morning, as she usually didn’t even wanna touch him.
“The egg timer’s broken,” she explained.
A.B., SUMNER PARK, QLD

Q. WHY DO DEAF-MUTES MASTURBATE WITH ONE HAND?
A. SO THEY CAN MOAN WITH THE OTHER.
K.P., SWAN HILL, VIC

AN 80-YEAR-OLD fella walked over to his wife, gave her a big grin and said, “I’m going to the doctor to get me some of those new-fangled Viagra pills.”
“In that case, I’m going to the doctor, too,” replied his wife. “If you’re going to start using that rusty thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
G.U., CALOUNDRA, QLD

Q. WHAT DO THE JAPS DO WHEN THEY HAVE AN ERECTION?
A. VOTE.
J.M., MORWELL, VIC

A YOUNG woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear.
One evening when she was feeling particularly horny and he was watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily tossed one leg up on the arm of his chair. “Want some of this?” she purred.
“Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to those panties!”
E.B., BELMONT, WA

THE PROFESSIONAL
PAUL MECURIO
NOT THE DANCING DOOFUS
“The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. ‘Mr Mecurio, it’s a five-CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby – you’re with your woman, you’re gunna make love – you press play, you can go all night’. And I’m like, ‘You know, Mr Salesman, I’m not really a five-CD man. You got something that plays 45s? Give me two minutes – I’ll give you the world’.”

“Why can’t we find bin Laden? We’re the most sophisticated – let me back up – he’s six-foot-eight. He’s six-foot-eight! Can’t somebody just stand on a stool and go, ‘Oh yeah. There he is. I see him. He’s right there – the guy with the eight-foot turban, the 12-foot beard and the video crew’.”

“I’m shopping at these bargain basement clothing stores. Can you do me a favour and sign a petition? I want to change the name of all these places to Crap That Was Ugly at Full Price and is Still Ugly at Half Price. They have security in these stores. There’s a man standing at the door. Do you understand what that means? Somebody made a life decision out there that they’re willing to risk going to jail to steal something from a bargain basement clothing store. ‘Hey, pal, what are you in for?’ ‘These sequined culottes’.”

“The first thing that strikes you when you go home and you’ve been away for a while is you’ve become a different person from your family: not better, not worse, just different. I grew up in a very Italian family, and I felt out of place. I didn’t feel like I fit in anymore. I felt like a square peg in a mental institution.”

JOKE’S ON YOU
PRIESTS
A DRUNK bloke staggered into a church where baptisms were being performed. The priest noticed him stumbling around and asked if he wanted to find Jesus.
“Sure,” said the drunk. “I’d love to find Jesus.” So the priest grabbed the boozer’s head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was spluttering and coughing.
“Fucken hell, mate!” said the drunk. “Are you sure Jesus fell in here?”

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PRIEST AND A CHAMPION POOF?
A. THE WAY THEY SAY “AMEN”.

A CONCERNED girl asked the priest, “Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving communion?”
“Only if you block the aisle,” replied the priest.

A COUPLE of priests were standing by the side of the road, holding up signs saying “The end is nigh!”
“Leave us alone, you religious nutters!” screamed the first driver who sped past them and around the corner. A few seconds later the two priests heard screams, followed by a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one priest to the other, “that we should have simply put up signs saying ‘bridge out’ instead?”

A STUNNING blonde sheila was driving through the outback when her car broke down in the middle of nowhere. She got out and walked to the nearest house and knocked on the front door.
“Please, sir, my car broke down about a kilometre up the road – can I stay here for the night?” she asked when the farmer appeared.
“Alright,” said the farmer slowly, “but I don’t want you messing around with my boys, Billy and Luke. They don’t meet a lot of ladies out this way.”
The blonde agreed, but when she saw the boys a few minutes later she knew she had to fuck them. She waited till the farmer went to sleep, then snuck into their bedroom.
“Fellas, how would you like me to teach you the ways of the world?” she asked, and Billy and Luke started nodding while they perved on her tits. “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you’ll have to wear these condoms.”
She showed the boys how to put the rubbers on and then the three of them fucked all night long.
Forty years later Billy and Luke were sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Billy turned to his brother and said, “Mate, do you remember when that sheila came by here and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” grinned Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?”
“Nope.”
“Me neither,” replied Billy. “Let’s take these rubber things off our knobs.”
H.J., KATOOMBA, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“When I was crossing the border into Canada they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’”
STEVEN WRIGHT, COMEDIAN… AND ARMS DEALER

Q. WHAT DID THE FAMER SAY WHEN HE READ THAT SCIENTISTS HAVE STARTED IMPLANTING HUMAN DNA INTO GOATS?
A. “SO WHAT? I’VE BEEN DOIN’ THAT FOR YEARS!”
L.B., REDCLIFFE, QLD

TWO terrorists got chatting to each other at the bus stop. The conversation turned to the topic of children and they both pulled out their wallets and started flipping through their photos.
“This is my eldest son,” said the first terrorist. “He’s a martyr.”
“And this is my eldest son,” said the second terrorist. “He’s a martyr, too.”
“Ah,” said the first terrorist wistfully. “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
T.C. GOULBURN, NSW

Q. HOW DO YOU GIVE A BLONDE MORE HEAD ROOM?
A. ADJUST THE STEERING WHEEL.
A.A., DEVONPORT, TAS

A LITTLE girl was racing around the school playground when she tripped over and landed in a patch of bindies. She started bawling her eyes out, raced over to the teacher and asked for a glass of cider. Naturally the teacher thought the request was kinda weird, so she asked the little dear why she wanted that particular drink.
“To take the pain away,” the girl replied.
“What do you mean?” the teacher asked.
The girl said, “I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”
D.S., BAIRNSDALE, VIC

Q. WHAT DO RUDE CHICKENS SAY?
A. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!”
L.N., CURRUMBIN, QLD

OLD Bert stumbled in from the pub to see his missus doing a naked handstand against the wall. “What the fuck are you doin’, woman?” asked Old Bert.
“I know you can’t get it up, so maybe you can just drop it in,” grinned the old girl.
S.V., BELGRAVE, VIC

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FROG AND A HORNY FROG?
A. ONE SAYS “RIBBIT” AND THE OTHER SAYS “RUB IT”.
K.K., MELVILLE, WA

A GRUFF old fella was having a quiet beer by himself at the pub when a young fella sat down next to him and ordered a drink.
“Look out the window at that fence, young lad,” said the old guy. “I built it, stone by stone, with me own hands, but do they call me Smithy the Fence Builder? No…
“Look over there at that shed. I knocked it together by meself, with no help from anyone. But do they call me Smithy the Shed Builder? No…
“And look at this here bar, young man,” he continued. “I put it all together meself, sanded it back and stained it. But do they call me Smithy the Bar Builder? No…”
Then the old geezer took another sip of his beer and mumbled, “But you fuck one dog…”
J.W., MOUNT GAMBIER, SA

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A TURTLE WITH A STIFFY?
A. A SLOW POKE.
F.G., MAWSON, ACT

THE PROFESSIONAL
TOM PAPA
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
“I have seven nephews and two nieces, how about that? My two sisters’ idea of birth control is apparently a bottle of tequila and the rhythm method of Barry White.”

“They smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, ‘I had no idea it was bad for me!’ Come on. You’re breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus?”

“Ask anybody over 30 – if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they’re counting co-workers.”

“Getting drunk is fun. Having your girlfriend get more drunk than you is not that much fun. Trying to get her in the car at the end of the night is like trying to get a toddler back in the car after a day at the carnival. ‘Where are your shoes? What happened to your shoes? Just get in the car. Stop crying and get in the car’.”

“Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It’s like, ‘You want some tequila?’ ‘No, dude, the last time I had that…’ It doesn’t happen with anything else. ‘Do you want some jelly beans?’ ‘No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face-down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I can’t even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here’.”

“Pet people have lost their minds. They used to be a nice part of society. Now they get right in your face. If you don’t like pets, they act like you’re a monster. ‘You don’t like pets? You’re so mean’. Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a wild animal hostage in my apartment. ‘He loves me’. Really? Open the door.”

“Vagina? That sounds like something you call in sick with.”

PUNCH LINES
MEET THE FOCKERS
Greg Focker: “You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?”
Jack Byrnes: “I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?”
Greg Focker: “Yeah, Dom Focker, that’s my dad’s... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?”

Greg Focker: “What’s the sign for sour milk, ’cos this tastes a little funky.”
Jack Byrnes: “That’s because that’s from Debbie’s left breast, Greg.”

Pam Byrnes: “No! After next month, I am going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I... I know how that sounds but I don’t care!”

Bernie Focker: “Can you believe I fathered him with just one testicle? Imagine how he would have turned out if I’d had two.”
Greg Focker: “Yeah! Great ice breaker.”

Dina Byrnes: “Bernie, this frittata is wonderful, what’s in it?”
Bernie Focker: “Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet. I’ve never washed it.”

Jack Byrnes: “OK, we can play three on two, but we’ll need someone to be official quarterback.”
Bernie Focker: “Gay goes both ways.”
Jack Byrnes: “Oh, I’ll bet he does.”

A YOUNG couple were out on a romantic walk through the countryside. The fella stopped the girl and looked deep into her eyes, but before he could tell her that he loved her, she said she had to have a wee and trotted off behind a bush.
As he waited, the young bloke could hear his girlfriend pulling down her Reg Grundies, and he became so turned on that he just had to get a piece of her smoo. He reached blindly through the bush until his hand touched her leg. He quickly brought his hand up between her legs but stopped in shock when he grabbed onto a long, thick appendage.
“Oh fucken hell, love!” he screamed. “I had no idea you were a bloke!”
“Settle down, settle down, you don’t understand,” laughed his girlfriend. “It’s just that I changed my mind and decided to have a crap instead.”
H.H., HAHNDORF, SA

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I ask them politely to respect that we need some time alone. Or I just lift up my shirt. It’s too expensive to blur boobs.”
THE GIRLS OF THE PLAYBOY MANSION STAR KENDRA WILKINSON HAS AN INTERESTING WAY OF DEALING WITH PAPARAZZI

PAT and Mike had been drinking buddies for ages. After a dozen or so beers at the pub one night, Mike said to Pat, “We’ve been mates for years and years, and if I die before you do, would you do me a favour? Get the best bottle of Irish whisky you can find and pour it over my grave.”
“Yeah, I’d be more than happy to do that for a good mate like you,” replied Pat. “But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”
B.F., VALENTINE, NSW

Q. WHEN’S THE BEST TIME TO FAKE AN ORGASM?
A. WHEN A ROTTIE STARTS HUMPING YOUR LEG.
J.S., DRUMMOYNE, NSW

AN ELDERLY couple were driving from Brisbane to Melbourne to visit a couple of their friends. Halfway through their trip, they stopped off at their son’s place in Sydney for the night.
After dinner the fogies headed to bed, and the old fella was surprised to find a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. His curiosity got the better of him so he asked his son if he could have one.
“I don’t think you should have one, Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive,” said the son.
“How expensive?”
“They cost around $10 a pill.”
“I don’t care,” smirked the old geezer. “I’d like to try one. We’ll be leaving early in the morning so I’ll put the money on the kitchen bench.”
The next morning the son woke up to find $110 on the kitchen bench. He immediately called his father’s mobile and said, “Dad, I told you each pill was $10, not $110!”
“I know,” chuckled the old bastard. “The other $100 is from your mother.”
J.C., WARABROOK, NSW

Q. WHY IS A SWIMMING POOL LIKE A WIFE?
A. YOU PAY A HIGH PRICE FOR THE LITTLE TIME YOU SPEND IN THEM.
S.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

CHUCK died in a fire and his body was burned pretty fucken badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body so they called for his two best friends, Bazza and Tezza – the three of ’em had done everything together.
The coroner took Bazza in first, and when he saw the body he said, “Yeah, his face is burned up pretty bad. You’d better roll him over.” The coroner rolled him over and Bazza said, “Nope, that’s not Chuck.”
The coroner thought that was a bit weird, so he brought Tezza in to see if he could confirm the identity of the body.
“Well, his face is all messed up, so you’d better go ahead and roll him over,” said Tezza, and when the coroner did that he said, “Nah, mate, that ain’t Chuck.”
The coroner was confused, so he called Bazza back in and asked the boys how they were sure the body wasn’t Chuck’s.
“Well, Chuck had two arseholes,” said Bazza.
“Two arseholes?” asked the coroner.
“Yep,” confirmed Tezza. “We never saw ’em, but everywhere we went people would say, ‘There goes Chuck with them two arseholes.’”
A.H., PERTH, WA

Q. WHAT’S THE DEFINITION OF A SENSITIVE NEW-AGE GUY?
A. A BLOKE WHO DOESN’T MAKE HIS GIRLFRIEND BLOW HIM AFTER HE FUCKS HER UP THE ARSE.
W.T., BALMAIN, NSW

TWO champion poofs decided to have a baby. They both spoofed in a cup, mixed it around, then squirted it up the surrogate mother. Nine months later the chick went into labour and they rushed to the hospital as quickly as they could.
By the time they arrived the baby had already been born and was in a ward with 20 other babies. The gay blokes were shocked but delighted to see that while all the other dirt magnets were screaming their heads off, their kid was lying in the corner, smiling serenely.
“Isn’t it fabulous!” lisped one of the bum chums. “All these awful children and our baby boy is just lying there smiling!”
“He’s happy now,” said the nurse, “but just wait till we take the dummy out of his arse.”
R.N., FRANKSTON, VIC

Q. WHAT DO RUDE CHICKENS SAY?
A. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!”
L.N., CURRUMBIN, QLD

THE PROFESSIONAL
JAKE JOHANNSEN
UGLIER THAN SCARLETT
“Some cabs, you get in and they have no kind of protection, security, at all. I guess they give those to the guys who show up late: ‘Maybe a couple of head wounds will teach him some punctuality’.”

“Two good things about drinking on the airplane are, you don’t have to drive and, no matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.”

“I’ve noticed that the street food in New York is very similar – you know, with the hot dogs and pretzels – to the food that you get at the ballpark. Then it kind of occurred to me that walking around New York City is very similar to going to a baseball game, in the sense that it may seem like nothing’s going on for a long time, but pretty soon someone is gunna hit something really hard with a bat.”

“I never wanted my own cult until I found out about all the perks. Evidently, if you’re the cult leader, you can have sex with any of the cult members, while the other members have to mow the lawn and wash the dog.”

“In China you want to scream at people in the street, ‘Stop fucking! You have to stop fucking!’ I don’t think they can stop because it’s so crowded. As soon as you get home and take your pants off, you’re inside of another person.”

THE JOKE’S ON YOU
THIS WEEK: JULIA GILLARD
Q. WHY IS AUSTRALIA LIKE MACCA’S?
A. THEY’RE BOTH RUN BY RED-HEADED CLOWNS.

A FEW weeks before stabbing Kevin Rudd in the back, Julia Gillard said there was more chance of her playing full forward for the Western Bulldogs than of her becoming PM. She’s not gunna go through with it, though – she’s received a bigger offer from Richmond.

Q. IF JULIA GILLARD, WAYNE SWAN AND PETER GARRETT WENT ON A BOAT AND IT SANK, WHO WOULD SURVIVE?
A. AUSTRALIA.

THE Queen, Barack Obama and Kevin Rudd all died and went to Hell. The Devil met them when they arrived and he was holding a red phone. “What’s that for?” asked Barack.
“It’s for calling people back on Earth,” Satan said. “Anyone want to make a call?”
Barack spoke to someone for 30 minutes, and Satan told him the cost was $1 million. The Queen spoke to someone for an hour, and Satan told her it cost $2 million. Rudd spoke to someone for 90 minutes and the Devil said, “That’ll be $50.”
“What the fuck?” the Queen said. “Why’s his call so cheap?”
Satan replied, “Because since Julia Gillard took over, Australia has gone to Hell, so it’s only a local call.”

Q. HOW DO YOU FIT 20 POLITICIANS IN A MINIVAN?
A. PROMOTE JULIA GILLARD TO PM, POP HER IN THE FRONT SEAT AND WATCH 19 BLOKES CRAWL UP HER ARSE.

THE Pope came out to Australia and thousands of people turned up to see him when he made his first public appearance. Not one to miss a photo opportunity, Kevin Rudd took a break from screwing up the country and hopped up on stage to said g’day.
“Eggs” Benedict leaned into the PM and whispered, “Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every single person in the crowd go wild with joy? This joy will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”
“I seriously doubt that,” replied Rudd. “With one little wave of your hand you can make all these people cheer? Show me.”
So the Pope backhanded the bastard.
J.K., ADELAIDE, SA

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I wish I was an octopus so I could hug 10 people at a time!”
TOO BAD OCTOPI HAVE EIGHT LEGS, DREW BARRYMORE

Q. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE MISSUS USED A VIBRATOR WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT?
A. YOUR KID STUTTERS.
G.G., ALICE SPRINGS, NT

BOB walked into the pub and said to his mate Sean, “A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible...
“No, wait... I’m thinking of alcohol.”
O.T., NEWCASTLE, NSW

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE FELLA WHO TOOK IRON TABLETS WITH HIS VIAGRA?
A. HIS DICK ALWAYS POINTS DUE NORTH.
W.Z., GEELONG, VIC

A BLONDE complained to her doctor that she felt a burning sensation every time she took a piss.
“Looks like you’ve got P.D.,” said the doc.
“P.D.? What’s that?” asked the blonde.
“It’s a private disease,” the doc responded.
“That bastard!” shrieked the blonde. “He told me he was a lieutenant!”
J.M., MORWELL, VIC

Q. WHY IS A SHEEP BETTER THAN A WOMAN?
A. A SHEEP DOESN’T CARE IF YOU FUCK ITS SISTER.
E.U., WODONGA, VIC

A YOUNG bloke walked up to the bar and immediately noticed that the barmaid had an incredible set of tits. Unable to take his eyes off her cracking rack, he spluttered, “I’ll have two schooners of norks, thanks,” then realised what he’d said, blushed, and scurried off to a dark corner of the pub.
An old fella saw the whole thing, swaggered over to the embarrassed young fella and said, “Relax, mate, we all make Freudian slips like that.”
“Really?” asked the young guy.
“Yeah, really,” replied the old timer. “Why, just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, ‘Please pass the sugar’ and I accidentally said, ‘You wrecked my life, you fucken bitch!’”
L.A., MAROOCHYDORE, QLD

A LITTLE boy ran into his mother’s bedroom, crying hysterically. When his mum asked him what was wrong, he told her, “I don’t want my doodle anymore! It’s bad to have one!”
“Don’t be silly, darling, what makes you think that a doodle is a bad thing?” his mum asked.
“It has to be bad!” sobbed the lad. “I just saw Daddy in the bathroom trying to pull his one off!”
S.O., GYMPIE, QLD

Q. HOW DO YOU GET 200 COWS INTO A BARN?
A. PUT UP A BINGO SIGN.
R.T., BEGA, NSW

A GORGEOUS woman jumped into a taxi and said, “To the airport, please.”
The driver couldn’t stop looking at her in the mirror and after a few minutes he gave her a grin and said, “You know, you’re the third pregnant woman I’ve driven to the airport today.”
“You must be kidding,” spat the sheila. “I’m not bloody pregnant!”
“Yeah, well you’re not at the airport yet, either,” said the cabbie.
D.D., ORANGE, NSW

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FAT CHICK AND GARBAGE?
A. AT LEAST THE GARBAGE GETS TAKEN OUT ONCE A WEEK.
W.D., FOOTSCRAY, VIC

THE PROFESSIONAL
TED ALEXANDRO
CHROMIN’ THE DOME
“A lot of natural disasters, right? It’s depressing – gotta keep giving money, can’t afford it. Gets to be like friends’ weddings now, like, ‘Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh’. Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides – it’s like the drink menu at the local bar unleashing its wrath on the universe.”

“Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now – kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it’s gunna say? It’s like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass. I’m like, ‘Excellent. I’ve been meaning to read more’. I’m tearing through five, six asses a day. Sometimes I just read half and stick a bookmark in it.”

“So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan’s little flute? If there’s music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.”

“Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That’s gotta stop. It’s a problem, ’cos when you download, let’s say, a P. Diddy song, you’re not only stealing from him, you’re also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.”

“I’m still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago; that was fun. There were some girls up on a balcony. A chant goes up: ‘Show your tits’. I joined the chant because I support the cause. The girls show ’em, we threw up some beads, I figured that’s the end of the transaction. Turns out they reciprocate with a chant of their own: ‘We want cock’. What do you do? Turns out, I had some cock on me – unfasten, unbutton, unzip – beads showering down on me. Best moment of my entire life. Cut it short: handcuffed, thrown against the wall. My friend runs off, but manages to get a picture before he does. I don’t know a lot about prison, but I do know, handcuffed, with your pants down, covered in beads, is not a good way to arrive.”

PUNCH LINES
WAYNE’S WORLD 2
Honey Hornee: “I bet you like to be in control.”
Garth: “Yes, like when I was 17, my sister wanted to loan my Def Leppard. I said ‘No way!’”

Jim Morrison: “Ask me a question.”
Wayne: “OK, two trains are coming at each other at 60 miles an hour, one from Chicago, one from Los Angeles –”
Jim Morrison: “No, ask me a question about your life.”
Garth: “So, did Jim Morrison give you Del Preston’s exact address?”
Wayne: “Yeah, he said EXACTLY London, England.”

Wayne: “Here we are at Piccadilly Circus!”
Garth: “Wow, what a shitty circus.”
Wayne: “Good call. There’s no animals or clowns! What a rip-off!”

Garth: “How can you sleep like that?”
Del Preston: “Listen, sonny Jim. Sleeping like this will add 10 years to your life. I learned it from Keith Richards when I toured with the Stones. This may be the reason why Keith cannot be killed by conventional weapons.”

Del Preston: “Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.”
Garth: “You were at Woodstock?”
Wayne: “Excellent! What was it like?”
Del Preston: “It rained all morning, and then it cleared up in the afternoon. And that’s it. I almost remembered something else, but it’s gone.”

A BUNCH of blokes got together for a marriage seminar. After introducing themselves and discussing things for an hour or so, the dude running the seminar walked out the door and came back with an old Italian man.

“Fellas, this is Giuseppe and he’s approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,” beamed the teacher, who then told Giuseppe to take a few minutes to tell the other fellas how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

“Well-a, I’ve-a tried to treat her nice-a, spend-a da money on her,” said Giuseppe. “But best of all-a, I took-a her to Italy for the 25th wedding anniversary.”

“Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here,” said the teacher. “Please tell us what you’re planning to do for your wife for your 50^th anniversary.”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gunna go back to-a Italy and pick-a her up!”

B.N., ARARAT, VIC

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.”

FORMER BASKETBALLER AND CURRENT FUCKWIT DENNIS RODMAN

JOHNNO picked up a stunning babe in Thailand and took her back to his motel for a shag. After an amazing two-hour fuck session, Johnno lay back with a huge smile on his face while his Thai princess kept rubbing his testicles.

After 20 minutes curiosity got the better of Johnno, and he asked her why she liked rubbing his nuts so much.

“Because I really miss mine,” she whispered.

K.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A KIWI FARMER WITH A SHEEP UNDER EACH ARM?

A. A PIMP.

G.S., PERTH, WA

MY WIFE’S just like Heather Mills – she only wears half the fucken shoes she buys!

L.P., DARWIN, NT

THERE was a young woman named Susan

Who found it very amusin'

To make love to three men

Although who did what when

Was frequently rather confusin'.

W.W., HOBART, TAS

Q. WHY IS AMERICAN BEER SERVED COLD?

A. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT DISTINGUISHES IT FROM PISS.

A.C., MELBOURNE, VIC

ANDY was propped up at the bar having a beer one night when a fat chick plonked her massive arse on the stool next to him.

“I’ll have a Sex on the Beach,” she told the barman, then she turned to Andy, gave him a wink and said, “You just can’t beat sex on the beach.”

Andy furrowed his brow, had a thoughtful sip of his beer and replied, “Now you’ve got me confused. I thought it was turtles that came ashore to mate, not fucken whales!”

T.Z., NEWCASTLE, NSW

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL THE SWEAT PRODUCED BY TWO INBREDS HAVING SEX?

A. RELATIVE HUMIDITY.

O.T., MUDGEERABA, QLD

A BLOKE swaggered up to a street-walking hooker and said, “I’m a bit kinky and I was hoping you could make all my filthy fantasies come true.”

“Well, it depends,” replied the prossie. “What kind of kinky?”

“I want to be totally dominated, degraded and humiliated.”

“Yeah, no problem, it’ll cost ya $150.”

“And what I do get for that?” asked the horny bloke.

“A Cronulla Sharks jersey,” laughed the hooker.

E.R., WOLLONGONG, NSW

Q. WHAT’S AN IRISH SEVEN-COURSE MEAL?

A. SIX PINTS OF GUINNESS AND A POTATO.

S.D., ROBERTSON, NSW

KEVIN heard a knock at the door and when he answered it he found a policeman standing there.

“Sir, we have received a complaint that your dog chased a woman on a bicycle,” said the policeman.”

“Are you mad?” laughed Kevin. “My dog can’t ride a bicycle!”

T.N., CESSNOCK, NSW

Q. WHY DID THE EXECUTIVE HIRE A PROSTITUTE TO BE HIS SECRETARY?

A. ’COS WHEN HE ASKED HER WHAT HER LAST POSITION WAS SHE SAID, “DOGGY STYLE.”

J.J., PORT LINCOLN

THE PROFESSIONAL

PAUL PROVENZA

A PROVEN WINNER

“Every year around Lent, you have to give up something that’s very important to you. One year I gave up Catholicism – caught ’em on a technicality.”

“I don’t think cigarette companies know what photograph is going to end up with what warning, ’cos I think they’d plan a little more carefully. I saw one I couldn’t believe: these two women sitting on a porch swing, petting a little puppy, drinking iced teas, watching the sailboats go by and in the corner, it said, ‘Warning: smoking causes fetal injury and premature birth defects’. I thought, ‘Hey, that’s not a puppy’.”

“I look at the world in a realistic way. Some people say the glass is half full, other people say the glass is half empty. I look at the glass and say, ‘You know, if you fell on that it would shatter, and a shard of glass would cut your jugular, and you’d drown to death in a pool of your own gurgling blood’.”

“I had a little row with the stewardess on the plane here. I made the mistake of calling her, ‘the stewardess’. ‘No, sir, I’m a flight attendant.’ I said, ‘Mmm, actually, you’re a waitress with a death wish.’”

“There are very funny ways to die. You need to be creative, use your imagination. Did you ever see a photograph of a cruise ship at sea? In the middle of that vast ocean, stretching infinitely in all directions – huge body of water – that little, tiny cruise ship, and in the middle of that little, tiny cruise ship, that little, tiny swimming pool. Drown in that pool – that’s funny.”

“The condoms, they got ribs and spikes and studs. Sometimes, they get a little carried away. You look at it and go, ‘Are we having sex or driving through a snowy mountain road?’”

“The Catholics have an interesting view of sex. Sex is disgusting, amoral and filthy, and you should save it for one you love.”

PUNCHLINES

THE JERK

Marie: “Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.”

Navin R. Johnson: “What was it?”

Marie: “The Way We Were.”

Navin R. Johnson: “You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I’m glad, because there’s something I want to say that’s always been very difficult for me to say… I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. There. I’ve never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.”

Navin R. Johnson: “Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend, don’t you?”

Marie: “Kind of.”

Navin R. Johnson: “I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me?”

Marie: “Well, I haven’t made love to him yet.”

Navin R. Johnson: “That’s too bad. Do you think it’s possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him?”

Marie: “Who knows? Maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.”

Navin R. Johnson: “I’d be happy to be in there somewhere.”

Bank manager: “I will need two pieces of identification.”

Navin R. Johnson: “Ah yes. I have my temporary driver’s licence and my astronaut application form. I didn’t pass that, though – I failed everything but the date of birth.”

A NUN hopped into a taxi and noticed that the driver couldn’t stop staring at her. Finally, the cabbie piped up, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”

“My dear son, you cannot offend me,” replied the nun. “When you’re as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me,” admitted the driver.

“First, you’d have to be single, and second, you’d also have to be Catholic,” said the penguin.

“Alright! I’m single and I’m Catholic, too!” exclaimed the driver.

“OK then, pull into the next street and I’ll suck you off,” said the nun.

The driver stopped the car and the nun went to town on his knob until he shot a huge load of nut jam down her throat. When they got back on the road, the cab driver wept and said, “Forgive me, sister, for I have sinned. I lied. I’m really married and I’m really Jewish.”

“That's OK,” said the nun. “My name’s really Kevin and I’m really on my way to a Halloween party.”

D.F., TAREE, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I know I’m A-list because I went to Burger King yesterday and the fat girl behind the register put an extra Whopper with cheese in my bag and then she winked at me. That’s when you know you’re at the top.”

TRACY MORGAN PAYS THE PRICE OF FAME

A FELLA was talking to his cobber down the pub one night. “I have a mate named Barry who’s 50 in a few weeks’ time,” he said. “He has it all – a beautiful wife, two wonderful kids, a Mercedes in the garage, a mansion in Mosman, a second home on the Gold Coast, millions in the bank, and he takes early retirement next year.

“I thought, ‘What do you give the man who has everything?’ After much consideration I opted for a ransom note asking if he ever wants to see his wife and kids alive again.”

L.D., NEWCASTLE, NSW

Q. WHAT’S THE EASIEST WAY TO GET FIRED BY PEPSI?

A. TEST POSITIVE FOR COKE.

J.J., MENORA, WA

APPARENTLY clumsy people are more likely to be obese because they keep walking into things... like McDonald’s.

W.E., ALICE SPRINGS, NT

THEY say a problem shared is a problem halved. Not if it’s AIDS!

P.P., BRISBANE, QLD

Q. WHAT’S THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT PAEDOS?

A. AT LEAST THEY DRIVE SLOWLY PAST SCHOOLS.

K.I., PALMERSTON, NT

BOB went down the pub and told the bartender, “The other day read in the paper, ‘A woman has been murdered in Melbourne by a 38-year-old man who has not been named.’ I thought, 38 years old and he still hasn’t been named? What’s everyone been calling him all this time?”

G.S., MAITLAND, NSW

Q. WHAT WOULD LIFE BE LIKE WITHOUT SHEILAS?

A. A REAL PAIN IN THE ARSE.

A.T., CANBERRA, ACT

THE greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country road late one night when his rig broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance so wandered towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.

“G’day,” he said, “I’m the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has just broken down. Can I stay at your place for the night?

“I dunno,” replied the farmer, “there’s only two rooms, one for me and the missus, and one for my 18-year-old daughter.”

“Look, mate, I’m the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night. I won’t touch your daughter,” said the truckie. The farmer agreed to let the driver share a bed with his girl, and took him up to the room.

At four in the morning, the farmer heard grunts and groans in the next room. He got up and looked in, and there was the greatest truck driver in the world fucking his daughter.

The farmer went downstairs and loaded his shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the barrel straight up the greatest truck driver in the world’s arsehole.

“Alright, fuckwit!” snarled the farmer. “If you’re the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load!”

B.V., BAIRNSDALE, VIC

JOHN was at the psychiatrist’s for his weekly session. “I think my uncle was a ventriloquist,” he said. “He used to put his hand up my bum and tell me not to talk.”

F.T., DEVONPORT, TAS

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A MOBILE SPEED CAMERA?

A. WITH THE WOMAN YOU CAN SEE THE TWAT BEHIND THE BUSH.

A.S., GOULBURN, NSW

THIS morning the scouts announced that they’re gunna start offering their members sexual health and relationship advice. Lots of former scouts would’ve appreciated some sexual advice back in their scouting days. Something like, “Don’t share a tent with scout leader Gary.”

F.F., QUEANBEYAN, NSW

DAVE was in confession and told the priest, “I fucked a hooker last night and now I feel terrible. It’s gunna be so awkward when we get to footy training tomorrow night.”

G.H., BUNDABERG, QLD

THE PROFESSIONAL

NICK DI PAOLO

TRICKY NICKY

“Anybody here believe your health is more important than money? Not in this country. No, no, ladies, I don’t see too many beautiful women going, ‘Gee, should I sleep with Bill with the Porsche or Dave with the low cholesterol?’”

“Guys, can you feel anything with a condom on? You can slam the tip of my dick in a car door, I wouldn’t even blink if I had a condom on.”

“Homeless people sleep anywhere. How do they do it? I’ve got a $2000 waterbed at home, I toss and turn all night. These people are like, ‘What’s that, a broken Heineken bottle? Yeah, could you put a brick on my head to keep the sun out of my eyes?’”

“This guy comes at me, ‘Hey, can you help me out? I’m starving, man. I’m starving!’ I’m like, ‘Hey, do you see a chef’s hat on my head? What am I supposed to do, whip you up a sandwich on the sidewalk? There’s a pigeon a foot away with a loaf of bread. Go bust his balls – he’s a bird; he’s doing better than you are.’”

“I’m Catholic. According to my religion, masturbation is as serious a sin as murdering somebody. Hey, if that’s true, say hello to the new Hitler. It took him five years to commit that many sins; it took me two episodes of Baywatch.”

“I got one woman to admit she masturbated, this older woman. I asked her what she used. She told me she used a toothpaste tube. See what us guys are competing against? Not only do we have to make you come, we have to fight plaque as well.”

A BLOKE doctor started chatting to a sheila doctor at a medical convention and ended up asking her out to dinner. She said yes and later that night they met up at the poshest restaurant in town.

Just before the entree arrived the chick said she had to wash her hands, then before the mains came around she excused herself to wash her hands again. Things worked out and they headed back to the fella’s place, where the chick once again said she had to wash her hands before they started rooting.

The bloke doctor pounded her as hard as he could, and seconds after he filled her up with a load of spoonter the chick doctor once again went off to wash her hands. When she got back the fella said, “I bet you’re a surgeon.” The woman confirmed this and asked how he guessed, to which the bloke explained that it was ’cos she was always washing her hands.

“Well, I bet you’re an anaesthesiologist,” said the chick.

“Wow, that’s amazing! How did you guess that?” replied the dude.

“’Cos I didn’t feel a thing,” snapped the woman.

S.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time.”

WE’RE HERE IF YOU NEED US, LADY GAGA

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SEWING MACHINE AND A JOGGING GIRL?

A.A SEWING MACHINE ONLY HAS ONE BOBBIN.

K.P., NEWTOWN, NSW

ROY the undertaker walked in the front door of his house with a massive black eye. His horrified missus asked him what had happened, so Roy grabbed himself a beer and sat down to tell her his sorry tale.

“I had a terrible day, love,” he moaned. “I had to go to a hotel to pick up a man who’d died in his sleep. When I got there the manager told me I might have a bit of trouble getting him into a body bag because he’d died with a gigantic erection.

“Anyway, I went upstairs and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying there with a huge stiffy pointing straight at the ceiling. I didn’t have much choice if I wanted to get him into the body bag, so I grabbed his dick and snapped the bloody thing in half.”

“I see,” said his wife solemnly. “That must’ve been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”

“Wrong room,” replied Roy.

R.P., ORBOST, VIC

Q. WHAT DO YOU CATCH OFF HIGH-CLASS PROSTITUTES?

A. LOBSTERS.

J.J., PENGUIN, TAS

A LITTLE American Indian boy asked his father, the chief of the tribe, “Dad, why is it that we always have long names while the white men have short names like Bill, Tex or Sam?”

“My son,” replied his father, “our names represent a symbol, a sign or a poem in our culture – not like the white men, who all live together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation. For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over the Lake because on the night she was born there was a beautiful moon reflected on the lake.

“Then there’s your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on the day that the big white horse that gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp. His name is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.”

“Then what does my name mean, Dad?” the boy asked.

“Let me explain it for you, Little Broken Condom Made in China,” his old man said.

K.V., WEST END, QLD

Q. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A FREEWAY WITH A WHEELBARROW?

A. RUN OVER.

L.S., KALGOORLIE, WA

JOE was sitting on a train. Directly across from him was a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. He couldn’t stop staring at her, and after a few minutes the babe spread her legs so he could see that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The blonde grinned as she saw the bulge in Joe’s pants and said, “My pussy is very talented! Watch this, I’ll make it blow as kiss at you.”

Joe sat back in amazement as the chick’s smoo blew him a kiss. When he finally regained the ability to speak he asked what else the pussy could do.

“It can wink,” replied the blonde, then sure enough it opened and shut, winking straight at Joe.

“Come and sit next to me,” said the blonde, and Joe raced across and plonked himself next to the babe, who begged him to shove a couple of fingers up her.

“Jesus Christ!” exclaimed Joe. “Don’t tell me the bloody thing can whistle, too!”

D.J., TARRO, NSW

Q. WHY COULDN’T STEVIE WONDER SEE HIS FRIENDS?

A. ’COS HE WAS MARRIED.

E.T., DARWIN, NT

THE PROFESSIONAL

EARTHQUAKE

HUGE FUCKER

“I got a boy that was married, been married for six years – videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him why. He said, ‘I love seeing myself take that ring back off her fucken finger’.”

“Used to go to church, but church is getting too expensive. Cover charge is a bitch. I went one Sunday; they was passing around eight, nine plates. I just pulled out my own plate, started passing that around.”

“I’ll get God his money when I see him. And if he asks me why I was holding onto it, I’ll say, ‘Well, there’s a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn’t know who to give your money to, and I didn’t want to give it to the wrong person and still owe you when I got up here. Ain’t no sense in paying if I didn’t make the list, ’cos I’m gunna need that money for cold water and an airconditioner.”

“I got kids – got three kids: two of them mine, one of them don’t look like me. I was gunna get a blood test, but that costs $2500. I said I’ll wait till he falls down and cuts himself.”

“I know who wasn’t black – I don’t care what nobody say – Noah was not black. Noah and his family couldn’t have been black ’cos there’s no way no black family was on no boat for 40 days and 40 nights and didn’t eat them two chickens.”

“Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on every day. You see other things come on, but you can’t watch it.”

JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK

GARY GLITTER

GARY Glitter and his girlfriend went to Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Gary’s girlfriend asked him what he wanted to watch.

“How about we get Aladdin?” answered Gary. 

“Can’t we just get a video? You’re in enough trouble already,” snapped his missus.

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GREYHOUND RACING AND GARY GLITTER?

A. THE GREYHOUNDS WAIT FOR THE HARE TO COME OUT OF THE BOX.

GARY Glitter was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, “We’re sinking! Everyone abandon ship!”

Gary asked, “What about the children?”

The captain replied, “Fuck the children!”

Gary looked around eagerly and said, “Do we have time?”

Q. WHAT SPARKLES LIKE A DIAMOND AND FITS IN A SCHOOLGIRL’S RING?

A. GARY GLITTER.

DANNY and Jake went out to play golf and were about to tee off when Danny noticed that his mate only had one golf ball. “Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked. Jake replied that he only needed one. “Are you sure?” Danny persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

Jake told him, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it, so I don’t need another one.”

“Alright then,” Danny continued, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s OK,” Jake replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost in the bushes and shrubs?”

“That’s OK, too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back, no problem.”

Exasperated, Danny asked, “Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” grinned Jake. “You see, this ball is fluorescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needed his mate only the one golf ball, Danny asked, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
Jake replied, “I found it.”

C.C., DICKSON, ACT

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Who is Miley Cyrus? The one with all the gums? She got to get a gum transplant, make a sex tape and grow up, be like Britney Spears and do some heroin, catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat.”

NEVER TAKE LIFE ADVICE FROM JAMIE FOXX

LARRY picked up the phone and dialled the number for the local newspaper. “G’day, how much would it cost to put an ad in your paper?” he asked the lady on the other end of the line.

“About $10 for five centimetres,” she replied.

“Fuck off, that’s too dear!” Larry blurted.

“Why, what are you selling?” asked the lady.

“A two-metre ladder!” Larry replied.

W.Z., CAMDEN, NSW

Q. WHY DO MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT?

A. BECAUSE TITS DON’T HAVE EYES.

H.I., GEELONG, VIC

SIMMO was walking through a crowded street fair when he decided to sit down at a palm reader’s table. The mysterious woman looked him straight in the eye and said, “For $20, I can read your hand and tell you your romantic future.”

Simmo readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”

“That's true,” said Simmo.

“And you’re extremely lonely, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Simmo admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?”

“Love line?” laughed the palm reader. “Fuck no, I can tell that from the calluses and blisters.”

J.J., PERTH, WA

Q. HOW DOES A MAN KNOW HIS WIFE IS LOSING INTEREST?

A. HER FAVOURITE SEXUAL POSITION IS NEXT DOOR.

W.D., REDCLIFFE, QLD

MARY had a little skirt

Split right up the sides,

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt,

Split right up the front

But she never wore that one

B.F., PARRAMATTA, NSW

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A NUN WHO’S HAD A SEX CHANGE?

A. A TRAN-SISTER.

P.O., PORT AUGUSTA, SA

BOB turned to his mate and said, “This morning some cunt at the shops hit me on the leg with a stick for no reason, so naturally I retaliated by beating the living shit out of him. And just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador, too.”

S.D., MELBOURNE, VIC

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN IN A CHURCH AND A WOMAN IN A BATH?

A. ONE HAS A SOUL FULL OF HOPE…

S.O., GYMPIE, QLD

HUGO trotted along to the circus one day and told the ringmaster that he wanted to be a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and Hugo said, “Yes, my father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world and he taught me everything he knew.”

“Really?” replied the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”

“Fucken oath,” grinned Hugo.

“And did he teach you how to make six lions form a pyramid?”

"You know it, boss,” said Hugo.

“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”

“Just once,” Hugo answered.

“Why only once?” asked the ringmaster.

“I was looking for my father,” said Hugo.

K.K., SOUTHPORT, QLD

THE PROFESSIONAL

ANDY KINDLER

ANDY’S RANDY

“I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.”

“They had a sign and it said, ‘Do not allow your dog to chase, injure or worry wildlife’. I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to ‘worry’ wildlife? Dog’s going to run up to a bird: ‘Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor’.”

“Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.”

“Ever since I’ve switched to the clean syringes, I’ve never felt better in my entire life.”

“I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.”

“You know what’s ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn’t that weird?”

“I don’t know if it’s the weather or what’s going on but recently I’ve been feeling extremely bisexual. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what’s going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.”

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: THE MELBOURNE STORM

Q. WHAT’S GOT 26 LEGS AND STILL CAN’T CLIMB A LADDER?

A. THE MELBOURNE STORM.

STORM skipper Cameron Smith walked up to Storm coach Craig Bellamy before kickoff and asked, “Mate, how are we supposed to go out there and try our hardest when we know for sure that we won’t be getting the two points?”

Bellamy thought about it for a few seconds and replied, “I don’t know, I’ll ask Ricky Stuart.”

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MELBOURNE STORM AND A TOOTHPICK?

A. A TOOTHPICK HAS TWO POINTS.

THIS ad was recently spotted in a Melbourne newspaper: For sale, Melbourne Storm dinner set. Missing two cups.

Q. WHAT DO THE MELBOURNE STORM AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL FROM BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN HAVE IN COMMON?

A. THEY’VE BOTH BEEN FUCKED IN THE ARSE BY A LEDGER.

A MELBOURNE fan marched into the Storm’s supporter shop and asked what merchandise he could buy.

“Well, we’ve got jerseys, polo shirts, shorts and scarves,” said the salesperson, “but we haven’t had a cap for five years.”

EVERYONE on Earth died and when they got to heaven God told all the blokes to form two lines – one for the men who had dominated their women on Earth, and the other for the men who had been dominated by their women.

After a few minutes God was surprised to see that the line for the dominated men stretched back for hundreds of kays, but the line for men who dominated their women had just one bloke in it. God was fucken furious, screaming, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves for being so weak! Only one of my sons has been strong – he is the only man of whom I am proud!”

God walked up to the fella who was standing by himself and said, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

“I dunno,” said the bloke. “My missus told me to stand here.”

F.H., SEVEN HILLS, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“A ghost hung like a horse, an effin’ huge horse, would crawl up my leg and have sex with me at an apartment a long time ago in Texas. I was freaked out about it but then I was like, well, you know what? He’s never hurt me and he just gave me some amazing sex, so I have no problem.”

ANNA NICOLE SMITH MUST GET TO FUCK HEAPS OF GHOSTS THESE DAYS

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PURPLE AND PINK?

A. THE GRIP.

A.J., ADELAIDE, SA

WIFEY came home to find her hubby shagging their dog in the front room.

“My God, Henry!” she screamed “I know you’ve had other women but this time you’ve gone too far!”

“You may be right,” he replied. “I think I'm stuck!”

H.H., CRONULLA, NSW

Q. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE FOREHEADS?

A. SO THAT MEN HAVE SOMEWHERE TO KISS THEM AFTER COPPING A BLOWIE.

T.V., CAMDEN, NSW

A MARRIED couple were celebrating 50 years of marriage. After going out for a wonderful dinner followed by dancing and a walk along the beach, they were sitting in their lounge room reflecting of the last half century.

“You have given me everything any woman could desire,” the wife beamed. “Three beautiful children, a wonderful home and more overseas trips than I can count. If there is anything I haven’t given you, all you need do is ask.”

“Darling, you mean the world to me and have made me happier than any man has the right to be,” said the husband. “But there is one thing you could give me.”

“What is it?” asked the wife.

“A blowjob!” said the husband.

The wife sat back and thought about it for a moment and said, “I have never given you a blowjob because I didn’t think you would respect me afterwards. But seeing as we’ve been together for 50 years, surely you will still respect me, so I will give you one.”

The bloke unzipped his trousers, the old bird pulled out her false teeth and then gave him a cracking gob job – she even swallowed!

Seconds after it was over, the phone rang. The husband got up and answered it. He listened for a few seconds, held the receiver towards his wife and said, “Hey, cocksucker, it’s for you.”

B.B., WESTON CREEK, ACT

Q. WHAT’S A 6.9?

A. A 69ER INTERRUPTED BY A PERIOD.

F.U., KALGOORLIE, WA

ONE day a man came home from work and saw a bloke jogging down the street buck naked. He asked the naked guy why he was doing that and the bloke said, “Because you came home early.”

J.E., MANLY, NSW

Q. WHAT’S THE DEFINITION OF ETERNITY?

A. THE TIME BETWEEN WHEN YOU COME AND SHE LEAVES.

D.S., ST KILDA, VIC

A TRUCK carrying copies of the latest thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were “Stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumfounded.”

VOODOO, ADELAIDE, SA

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A HERD OF MASTURBATING COWS?

A. BEEF STROKIN’ OFF.

A.A., MELBOURNE, VIC

THERE was a knock on the door and the man of the house went to answer it. A plumber was waiting outside, and he explained that he’d come to fix the blocked toilet.

“But we haven’t got a blocked toilet,” said the man.

“Are you Mr Smith?” asked the plumber.

“No,” said the man, “the Smiths moved out six months ago.”

“There are some real bastards in the world,” muttered the plumber. “They ring for a plumber saying it’s an emergency, then they piss off to another address.”

G.N., DICKSON, ACT

MATT BRAUNGER

WELCOME, MATT!

“When a woman has an orgasm it’s like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It’s awesome. Even other women are like, ‘Aw, she’s having a nice time, that’s cool’. When a guy has an orgasm it’s like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your lovemaking technique as a man is, eventually, you’re going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.”

“Getting drunk in costume is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. It’s just true. Do you know how fun it is being drunk Batman? Trying to solve the case of why am I not pissing on my best friend’s car right now?”

“Recently they had a Cadbury Crème Egg eating competition. The winner, the guy that took the belt, he ate, like – it was amazing – he got through, like, half of one. Those things are fucken disgusting. That’s the worst thing you can have in your mouth besides a hobo’s thumb.”

“It’s incredibly easy to get medical marijuana. People go to those dispensaries and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, ‘Um, I intermittently blink all day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to pee. And scary movies scare me’. ‘You need pot, here, take it’.”

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK IT’S FAT MUMS

Your mother’s so fat…

• You have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.
• She doesn’t need the internet – she’s already worldwide
• When she skips a meal, the stock market drops
• You can stand on her belly and high-five God
• When she wears a polka dot dress, people play Twister
• Her blood type is barbecue sauce
• When she buys a fur coat, a whole species becomes extinct
• She uses epileptics as vibrators
• When she did the splits, she gave the road a hickey
• Her body parts sleep in shifts
• Godzilla tried to fuck her and fell in
• When she cut herself shaving, gravy poured out
• Her back scratcher is a gum tree
• When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate
• She fell in love and broke it
• When she went to Dreamworld, they gave her a group discount
• She has to make a long-distance call to talk to herself
• When she finally turned herself around during the Hokey Pokey, everyone gave her a welcome back party.

A SENIOR citizens group chartered a bus to take them on an interstate trip. When they were a few hours into the journey, an old lady raced up to the bus driver and screamed, “I’ve been molested!” The driver thought the old bird must’ve just had a bad dream, so he told her to sit back in her seat and relax.

However, a few minutes later another old lady barged her way to the front of the bus and yelled, “I’ve been molested!” The driver thought that was a bit fucken weird, but the idea that someone was back there touching up ladies was so ridiculous that he just told her to sit down because everything was alright.

A couple of minutes later, a third old girl raced up, weeping, “I’ve been molested!” By then the driver had heard enough, so he pulled the bus over to the side of the road, flicked on all the lights and was surprised to see an old man crawling along the aisle on all fours.

“Hey, gramps, what are you doin’ down there?” asked the driver.

“I lost my toupee,” the geezer replied. “I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it got up and ran away!”

RAT, BRISBANE, QLD

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

YOU’RE A SMART MAN, BILLY CONNOLLY

TWO punk rock fans were fucking while listening to some music.

“Is that Johnny Rotten?” asked the chick.

“Nah, I’ve only used it two times!” replied the bloke.

K.P., BATHURST, NSW

Q. WHAT IS E.T. SHORT FOR?

A. BECAUSE HE HAS LITTLE LEGS.

D.F., MARYBOROUGH, QLD

A MAN was very worried about his sick dog, so he took it to the vet. The vet gave it the once-over, saw that it was barely moving, and said, “This doesn’t look good. Do you mind if I run a test or two?”

The owner agreed and the vet took the dog out the back, put him on a table, went to a nearby shelf and got a cat out of a little cage. He took the cat, put it on the dog, and let it walk all over the mutt. The dog didn’t react.

The vet returned to the waiting room and told the owner, “I’m very sorry, but your dog’s dead.” When the owner had finished crying, the vet continued, “Sorry to bring this up now, but would you mind settling the bill? It’s $325.”

“Christ! Fucking $325! What for?” asked the owner.

“That’s $25 for the consultation,” the vet replied, “and $300 for the cat scan.”

BOB T., VIA EMAIL

Q. WHAT HAVE A SHORT-SIGHTED GYNAECOLOGIST AND A DOG GOT IN COMMON?

A. THEY’VE BOTH GOT WET NOSES.

T.T., WHYALLA, SA

A WEALTHY old madam named Rouse

Ran an extremely tolerant house

For 10 bob a throw

You could let yourself go

And bugger her little pet mouse.

H.G., SALE, VIC

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL 12 NAKED MEN SITTING ON EACH OTHER’S SHOULDERS?

A. A SCROTUM POLE.

N.C., WODONGA, VIC

ONE night a bloke finally admitted to his wife that he felt like killing her.

“You need professional help!” she told him.

So he hired an assassin.

J.H., GOSNELLS, WA

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH A BROKEN CONDOM?

A. DADDY.

Y.G., BELMORE, NSW

MICKEY and Minnie Mouse were in the middle of a nasty divorce. Mickey stood up in front of the judge and pleaded his case, but the judge just shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane.”

“I didn’t say she was mentally insane,” spat Mickey. “I said she was fucking Goofy!”

P.R., EPPING, VIC

Q. WHAT’S WORSE THAN A DEAD DOG ON YOUR PIANO?

A. AN INFECTED PUSSY ON YOUR ORGAN.

V.V., DARWIN, NT

A PRIEST called up to book a room in a hotel, and while he was going through the details he said, “I am a religious man, so I would like to ensure that the pornography channel will be disabled!”

“Sorry, mate,” said the receptionist. “We only have normal porn channels here.”

L.A., BRISBANE, QLD

THE PROFESSIONAL

ADAM FERRARA

LOVES ROOTING

“I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the colour when you come home. ‘Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain’t getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it’.”

“One day in the shower, you figure it out. It’s a special day in a man’s life. I was like, ‘Oh, I found me a hobby’.”

“That’s the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg ’cos they’re all males and not one of them is gunna pull over and ask for directions.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail-order women. You can do that, you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.”

“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going’.”

“I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.”

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: INBREDS

A YOUNG couple from the sticks got married and headed off on their honeymoon. They wasted no time jumping into bed together, but just as the bloke was about to stick it in, the chick looked at him and whispered, “Please be gentle with me, this is my first time.”

The poor bloke was so shocked that he ran outside, jumped in his ute and drove back to his dad’s place. His old man comforted him by saying, “Now, now, it’ll be OK, son. You did the right thing by leaving her. If she wasn’t good enough for her own family, then she isn’t good enough for ours.”

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHILDREN AND A SLICE OF HAM?

A. THE HAM LOOKS GREAT INBRED.

AN INBRED called a radio advice show and asked, “If I get divorced from my wife, does that mean she ain’t my sister anymore?’”

Q. HOW DO YOU CIRCUMCISE AN INBRED?

A. KICK HIS SISTER IN THE CHIN.

A REDNECK took his daughter to the doctor to get birth control pills. The doctor wondered if she was a little young for that and asked her father if she was sexually active. The father replied, “No, she just kinda lays there, just like her mother.”

SEAN Connery turned up on The Late Show with David Letterman, and during his interview he started bragging that despite being 79 years old, he could still have sex three times a night. The other guest on the show that night was Kylie Minogue, and after the show she walked up to the former James Bond star and said, “Sean, if I’m not being too forward, I love having sex with older men. Let’s go back to my hotel.”

Sean hurried Kylie into a taxi and 15 minutes later he was banging the crap out of her. Afterwards, Sean said, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour and we can have even better sex. But while I’m having my nap I want you to hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie thought it was a bit of a weird request, but did as she was told.

The old fella had his sleep and 30 minutes later he woke up, bent Kylie over the bed and pounded her so hard she came several times. After blowing his biscuit, Sean again told Kylie to hold his balls in her left hand and his knob in her right hand while he had a lie-down, which she happily did.

Half an hour later, Sean woke up and fucked Kylie senseless for a third time, and he was even better than before. He did her in every conceivable position and gave her 20 orgasms before he came all over her tits.

“Fucken hell, Sean, you weren’t lying when you said you could still go three times a night!” panted Kylie. “So, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your tocko in my right hand give you supernatural sex powers or something?”

“No,” grinned Sean, “but the last time I slept with a chick from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”

P.R., EPPING, VIC

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“In an action film you act in the action. In a drama film you act in the drama.”

YOU’RE A FUCKEN GENIUS, JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

A VERY prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist!”

K.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S HORNY?

A. YOU STICK YOUR HAND IN HER PANTIES AND IT FEELS LIKE YOU’RE FEEDING A HORSE.

T.L., WODEN, ACT

PATRICK Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One afternoon while he was out for his daily walk he noticed a young lady from his congregation sitting in a pub and knocking back a pint of Guinness. The pastor wasn’t happy, so he stormed in the front door and sat down next to the misguided lass.

“Mary Rose Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation, I’m taking you home!” spat the pastor.

“Sure,” slurred the drunk lass, but she was so fucken pissed that when she tried to stand up, she toppled over, grabbing onto the pastor and pulling him down onto the floor on top of her. Mary’s skirt hiked up around her waist as the old fella struggled to free himself of her grasp.

“Oi, mate!” shouted the barman. “We’ll have none of that in this pub!”

“You don’t understand, you foolish man,” spluttered the old bloke. “I’m pastor Fluff!”

“Ah, well,” replied the barkeep, “if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.”

T.B., BORONIA HEIGHTS, QLD

Q. WHAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ASK WHEN HAVING SAFE SEX?

A. “WHAT TIME WILL YOUR HUSBAND BE HOME?”

R.Z., COLLINGWOOD, VIC

THE seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning, and Snow White would make the little blokes sandwiches and bring them over at lunchtime. One day when she turned up with their tucker she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the little blokes had somehow survived.

“Hello, hello, can anyone hear me?” she cried, but there was no answer. She kept screaming out for half an hour, until finally she heard a muffled voice from deep below the rocks. She pressed her ear to the rubble and tried to make out what was being said.

“Vote for Kevin Rudd! Vote for Kevin Rudd!” the voice sang.

Snow White fell to her knees with relief. “Thank you, God!” she prayed. “At least Dopey is still alive!”

C.B., LISMORE, NSW

Q. WHY DO CHAMPION HOMOS HAVE MOUSTACHES?

A. TO HIDE THE STRETCH MARKS.

K.O., LOGAN, QLD

SCIENTISTS have discovered that most women will, at some time in their life, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately, more than 95 per cent of them will spit it out.

S.S., HOBART, TAS

THE PROFESSIONAL

JON DORE

FUCKEN CANUCK

“Laughter is the best medicine, it really is, and I’m not making that up. They’ve done studies that prove that people who laugh a lot, they actually live longer than people with terminal cancer.”

“I don’t like cell phones. I’m never sending another text message as long as I live, because I don’t like a phone that tries to predict the words I’m trying to send to people. ’Cos I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, ‘Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day’. But I meant to text, ‘You should get tested’.”

“You can’t argue thanks to the internet. I was at a party last week and friends were arguing about whether or not a certain movie had won an Academy Award or not. The argument went on forever, so finally I just went up to my buddy’s computer and watched pornography. Problem solved.”

“I remember when grandpa’s memory started to go. It was the day I caught him urinating with the door open. Which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.”

“I have two simple rules that guide me through this world. Number one: I follow the good word of the Lord Jesus Christ. Number two: I bang as many fucken bitches as I can.”

“It would be hard to be friends with Stephen Hawking because Stephen Hawking, you know, sounds like a robot. That’s tough because even if you phoned him and he answered, you’d be like, ‘Oh great, got the machine again’. Hang up.”

PUNCHLINES

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION

Ellen Griswold: “I honestly don’t think we’re going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.”

Clark Griswold: “Jesus, it’s only the biggest Goddamn hole in the world.”

Aunt Edna: “Clark, watch your language!”

Clark Griswold: “Make that the second biggest.”

Lasky: “That’s not a real gun, is it Clark?”

Clark: “Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.”

Lasky: “It’s a BB gun!”

Clark: “Don’t tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.”

Lasky: “You couldn’t even break the skin with that thing.”

Rusty Griswold: “Hey, ya got Pac Man?”

Cousin Dale: “No.”

Rusty Griswold: “Ya got Space Invaders?”

Cousin Dale: “Nope.”

Rusty Griswold: “Ya got Asteroids?”

Cousin Dale: “Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.”

Clark: “We passed a Goddamn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!”

Cowboy: “What an asshole.”

Cousin Vicki: “I’m going steady, and I French kiss.”

Audrey Griswold: “So? Everybody does that.”

Cousin Vicki: “Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.”

“Good afternoon, ladies,” chuckled Sherlock Holmes to three women eating bananas as he and his mate Dr Watson were taking an afternoon stroll through London.

When they are out of earshot from the three women, Dr. Watson asked, “I say, Holmes, do you know those ladies back there?”

“No, Watson,” replied Holmes, “I don’t know the spinster, the prostitute or the new bride.”

“Good heavens, Holmes! If you don’t know them, how can you be sure that they are who you say they are?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson,” grinned Holmes. “Did you notice how those women were eating their bananas?”

“What about it?”

“Well, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces, which she then puts in her mouth.”

“Amazing,” smiled Watson. “What about the prostitute?”

“Simple! The prostitute holds the banana in both hands, then sucks it till there’s nothing left.”

With wide eyes, Watson exclaimed, “You’re right, Holmes! I never thought of that. How about the new bride?”

“The new bride holds the banana in her left hand,” explained Holmes, “and uses her right hand to push her own head towards the banana.”

K.B., ALICE SPRINGS, NT

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing. You can’t take that away from me, ’cos singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can’t sing, it's kind of like insulting God.”

WE DON’T CARE IF IT INSULTS GOD – YOUR VOICE SOUNDS LIKE A SQUIRREL WITH HIS NUTS CAUGHT IN A MOUSETRAP, FERGIE

Q. WHAT COMES AFTER 69?

A. MOUTHWASH.

P.L., MACKAY, QLD

TWO moose hunters from Texas were flown to a remote lake in Alaska. They had a good hunt, and both manage to bag a massive moose. When the plane returned to pick them up, the pilot looked at the animals and said, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals – you’ll have to leave one behind or we’ll never make it over the trees on take-off."

“That’s fucken bullshit,” spat one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agreed, “you’re just chickenshit. We came out here last year and got two moose, but the pilot had a set of balls on him, so he wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“And his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!” added the first hunter.

The pilot cracked the shits and said, “Hell, if that prick did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up and took off at full throttle, but the plane just weighed too much. It clipped the top of the trees, flipped over a few times, then crashed to the ground, scattering baggage, dead animals and passengers all over the place.

Still alive, but hurt, dazed, and suffering from a broken arm, the pilot sat up, shook his head and asked, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters crawled out from under a bush, looked around and spluttered, “I’d say about 100 metres further than we got last year!”

B.G., FREMANTLE, WA

Q. WHAT ARE A WOMAN’S TWO MOST IMPORTANT HOLES?

A. HER NOSTRILS, SO SHE CAN BREATHE WHILE SHE’S SUCKING YOU OFF.

R.E., NARARA, NSW

DAVID and Simon were boozing it up at the pub and discussing their sex lives. “Man, last weekend was the best!" David bragged. “I finally scored!”

“Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I’ve ever had,” sobbed Simon.

“How so?”

“I met this smokin’ hot blonde chick with massive jugs, and she took me back to her room and said she would do anything I wanted. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy, spewing her guts up and then she passes out.”
“Damn!” exclaimed Simon. “What happened?”

“Turns out she’s allergic to nuts,” wept David.

T.H., BRISBANE, QLD

Q. WHAT DOES A NARCISSIST SAY AFTER RECEIVING A BLOWIE?

A. “I WAS GREAT, WASN’T I!”

M.M., WAGGA WAGGA, QLD

A MAN absolutely hated his wife’s cat. One day he decided to get rid of him by driving 20km from the house and leaving the cat in a park. But when he pulled back into his driveway, the cat was waiting for him.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40km away. He chucked the fucken thing into an alleyway and headed home, but when he got back the cat was already there.

He kept taking the cat further and further away, but the furry little dickhead would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive 100kms away, turn right, then left, cross a bridge, then take a right, another right, go up a dirt track, drive along a cliff, through a tunnel, left, right, right again, and chuck the cat into the bush.

Hours later, the man called his missus, demanding to know whether the cat was there or not.

“Yes he is,” the wife replied. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that cheeky little cunt on the phone – I’m lost and I need directions!”

C.N., MELBOURNE, VIC

THE PROFESSIONAL

SHANE MAUSS

THE MAUSS THAT ROARED

“This drunk girl, she came up to me, started hitting on me. At one point she actually started talking dirty to me, but I’m not real good with women. I didn’t realise she was talking dirty. She’s like, ‘You wouldn’t even know what to do with me’. I was like, ‘Damn, how did she know that?’”

“I went to a Six Flags. There’s this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, ‘What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line’.”

“I’ve been freakishly skinny my entire life because there’s a hole in my butt.”

“If I ever heard someone breaking into my house, I would just try to pretend like I was also breaking into my house. Oh, and we would laugh about that coincidence for a while.”

“What I do for self-defence is I carry a baby around with me. I was thinking about it – what kind of a person, no, what kind of a monster would attack someone who will hit them with a baby?”

JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: MONSTERS!

Q. WHY CAN’T FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER HAVE SEX?

A. BECAUSE HIS NUTS ARE IN HIS NECK.

A PROFESSOR was giving a seminar on the supernatural to a group of students at Sydney University.

“How many people believe in ghosts?” he asked, and 40 students put their hands up.

“Well that’s a good start – how many of you have seen a ghost?” Three students put up their hands.

“OK, I’m curious,” grinned the lecturer, “how many of you have ever fucked a ghost?” A bloke in a flannelette shirt and a wide-brimmed hat put up his hand, and the professor was so astonished he invited him up to the podium to share his experience.”

“Thanks for being so honest,” gasped the lecturer. “Now, please tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

“Ghost?” replied the big country boy. “Shit, I thought you said goats!”

Q. WHAT SORTA MONSTER LOVES TO DANCE?

A. THE BOOGIEMAN.

Q. HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN A VAMPIRE BAR?

A. THERE’S A STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MARY.

A WIFE arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a naked young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, “Perhaps you should hear how all this came about.

“I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman on the brink of tears. I brought her home and made her a meal from the spaghetti you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was barefoot so I gave her the shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the jumper I bought for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn’t suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

“Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”

O.N., ASHMORE, QLD

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“You never hear the good things about taking cocaine. Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”

YOU’RE THE EXPERT, LILY ALLEN

TWO old biddies were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through without slowing down. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

C.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

Q. WHY ARE HOMELESS HOMOS SO DEPRESSED?

A. NONE OF THEM HAVE CLOSETS TO COME OUT OF.

S.D., ADELAIDE, SA

ONE day Darryl confessed to his wife that he often got erections during medical exams. The wife threw a fit, chucking shit at him and threatening him with divorce.

Exasperated, Darryl asked, “What’s the big deal? It’s perfectly natural, what with the nudity and the touching.”

“Yeah,” replied the missus, “But you’re a paediatrician!”

I.I., BENDIGO, VIC

Q. WHAT’S 10 INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES THICK AND STARTS WITH A P?

A. A REALLY GOOD SHIT.

W.E., PENRITH, NSW

A BLOKE went to his local sex shop and came across a surprisingly large selection of blow-up dolls, complete with pumps, for just $50 a piece. Not able to make up his mind whether he wanted an Asian sex doll or a white one, he decided to go home to have a think about it.

After deciding on the Asian doll he headed back to the shop to buy it, only to find that much to his dismay, the only dolls available for sale were pre-blown-up, for $100. That’s the cost of inflation for ya.

H.T., LISMORE, NSW

Q. WHAT DO THE LETTERS DNA STAND FOR?

A. NATIONAL DYSLEXICS ASSOCIATION.

M.T., TAREE, NSW

THREE Eskimos were drinking at a bar and talking about how cold their igloos were. They couldn’t agree on whose igloo was the coldest, so they went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said, “Watch this!” He poured a cup of water into the air.

The water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. “Not bad”, said the other Eskimos.

They went to the second Eskimo’s igloo and he said, "Watch this!" He took a big breath, exhaled and his breath froze into a big solid lump of ice and fell to the floor.

“Yep, that’s cold,” said the other two Eskimos.

Off they went to the third Eskimo’s igloo. “Watch this,” he said.

He went into the bedroom, threw back the furs and picked up one of several small balls of ice lying there. He placed one on a spoon, lit a match and held it under the spoon.

When it heated up enough, the little ball of ice went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.

K.L., CALOUNDRA, QLD

Q. WHY DO MARRIED MEN HANG STROBE LIGHTS FROM THEIR BEDROOM CEILINGS?

A. TO CREATE THE OPTICAL ILLUSION THAT THEIR WIVES ARE MOVING DURING SEX.

R.C., MOE, VIC

THREE sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 lived in a house together. One night the 96-year-old poured herself a bath. She put her foot in and paused, then yelled out to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yelled back, “I don't know. I’ll come up and see.” She started up the stairs before pausing and saying, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table, having tea and listening to her sisters. She shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” Then she slowly got up and yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

K.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

GANDHI walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he didn’t eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath. He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

A.E., GOSNELLS, WA

THE PROFESSIONAL

JULIAN MCCULLOUGH

IT’S MAC TIME

“I don’t have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, ‘I would like these curtains, please’. And they were like, ‘$40’. And I was like, ‘Nope’. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out I’d rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.”

“I went to use the bathroom and the door to the bathroom, not only was it not locked, it was open a crack. So, I just swung the door open, and my second biggest fear happened: guy right there, 10 inches away, taking a dump. Eye contact, boom. I say my second biggest fear because my first biggest fear is obviously being that guy.”

“Living with somebody, it is impossible to break up. It takes forever. I was digging a hole through my bedroom wall with a spoon under a poster for, like, six weeks. There’s another guy in the tunnel from my building. I was like, ‘You, too?’ He was like, ‘Let’s get the fuck out of here’.”

“When you’re drinking a lot and you’re a guy, your equipment gets all screwed up. Half the time, it’s not ready to have sex. But what’s weird is, if you’re a guy, your penis will trick you into trying anyway. You’re like, ‘There’s no way I can do this’. And then your penis will be like, ‘Put me in, coach!’”

“Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can’t dream? It’s like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that’s that your brain is like, ‘Dude, I’m not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you wanna feel what it’s like to fly? Go fuck yourself. I’ll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we’re going to make it to 50’.”

PUNCHLINES

THE IT CROWD

Roy: “We don’t need no education!”

Moss: “Yes you do. You’ve just used a double negative.”

Richmond: “You know how suggestible and easily swayed IT people are.”

Roy: “That’s not true.”

Richmond: “Yes, it is.”

Roy: “You’re right. Of course it is.”

Philip: “What on Earth made you think I was gay?”

Jen: “Well, you know, I can just pull it out of the air. You know, you just brought me to a gay musical, called Gay. You’re laughing like mad at every gay reference. Your friends, ALL of whom are gay, say hello by tickling you.”

Roy: “I didn’t know you did the whole lonely hearts thing.”

Moss: “I’m a 32 year old IT consultant who works in the basement. Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.”

Roy: “Moss, I don’t like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless.”

Moss: “Ah, well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark egg on your face... I sort of forget what I was talking about.”

JEZZA walked into the pub and noticed his cobber Mark crying into his beer, so he walked over to ask what was wrong. “Mate,” sniffed Mark, “you know that beautiful girl at work who I’ve wanted to ask out for the last year?”

“The one who gives you a stiffy every time you see her?”

“That’s the one. Well, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out.”

“Brilliant!” cheered Jezza. “When are you going to see her?”

“I went round to her place to meet her this evening,” wept Mark. “I was worried that I’d crack a fat when I picked her up, so I got some duct tape and taped my dick to my leg.”

“That’s sensible.”

“So I get to the door, and when she answers it she’s wearing the tightest little dress you’ve ever seen; it only just covered her smoo – I could almost see what she had for breakfast! And her tits were pretty much hanging out, bobbing round like a couple of ripe grapefruits.”

“And what happened then?” asked Jez.

“I kicked her in the face.”

L.P., GOODNA, QLD

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I’m shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic. Because I don’t have that.”

WE’D LIKE TO NOT HAVE SAFE SEX WITH YOU, TILA TEQUILA

FOUR surgeons were sitting in a pub, arguing about which sorta people made the best patients. “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything is numbered,” said the first surgeon.

“Yeah, but you should try electricians!” exclaimed the second surgeon. “Everything inside them is colour-coded.”

“No, I really think librarians are the best – everything inside them is in alphabetical order,” added the third surgeon.

The fourth doctor said they were all fucken idiots and didn’t know what they were talking about. “Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that politicians are the best to operate on,” he told them. “There’s no guts, no brains, no heart, no balls, no spine, they only have two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they’re interchangeable.”

K.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

A BLOKE went to Dick Smith Electronics and asked an assistant if he could recommend a hard drive.

“No problem,” he replied. “Perth to Townsville in a Datsun 120Y.”

E.T., PORT LINCOLN, SA

Q. WHY DO BLONDES HAVE LITTLE HOLES ALL OVER THEIR FACES?

A. FROM EATING WITH FORKS.

L.W., MACKAY, QLD

“CAN you help me with this crossword?” asked Barry. “The clue is ‘busy postman’.”

“How many letters?” replied Sue.

“Quite a fucken lot, I presume,” answered Barry.

D.S., WYOMING, NSW

Q. WHAT STARTED FEMINISM?

A. AN UNLOCKED KITCHEN DOOR.

V.C., LOVELY BANKS, VIC

AN AMISH lady was trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she was pulled over by a cop.

“Ma’am, I’m not gunna give you a ticket, but I do have to issue a warning,” said the policeman. “For starters, you have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband know as soon as I get home,” the lady said.

“That’s great. Secondly, it looks like your reigns have tangled themselves around your horse’s ballbag. Have your husband take care of that right away.”

The lady thanked the officer for letting her off and then trotted home. She pulled into her property and started telling her husband all about her encounter.

“So, what exactly did the officer say?” asked the husband.

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“Oh, that’s fine, I can fix that in two minutes. Did he say anything else?”

“Yeah, something about the emergency brake…”

G.T., GRIFFITH, NSW

Q. WHY SHOULDN’T CHICKS SUCK 12-INCH DICKS?

A. THEY MIGHT GET FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISEASE.

R.R., PERTH, WA

JIM and Helga were watching a TV program about psychology, which explained the phenomena of mixed emotions.

“Honey, this show is a load of crap,” whinged the fella. “I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time!”

“Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock,” she replied.

R.P., ORBOST, VIC

Q. WHY DO MICE HAVE SUCH TINY BALLS?

A. BECAUSE SO FEW OF THEM CAN DANCE.

H.J., MASCOT, QLD

TWO rats were walking through the sewers, looking for something to eat. “All we ever eat is shit,” whinged the first rat. “Shit on toast for breakfast, dried shit for lunch, marinated shit for dinner. I am so bloody sick of eating shit!”

“Cheer up,” said his mate, “we’re on the piss tonight!”

P.S., WODONGA, VIC

THE PROFESSIONAL

JON LAJOIE

YOUTUBE DUDE

“I was in a coffee shop a couple of weeks ago and I overheard this woman say, ‘Guys who drive expensive cars have small penises.’ I went to go talk to her, I’m like, ‘Excuse me, ma’am. That is not entirely accurate because I drive a really inexpensive car and I also have a small penis.’”

“After I have sex, I like my women to be like my mailbox: outside of my house.”

“John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamed of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. The guy who invented the Frisbee dreamt of a world where people would throw a flat, circular object at each other in order to pass the time. He succeeded.”

“I bought a car last week. Well, by ‘bought’ I mean ‘poisoned’ and by ‘car’ I mean ‘my neighbor’s dog’.”

“I have this thing that I do called ‘Mysteries of the Universe’, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realise how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbour.”

JOKE’S ON YOU

SUSAN BOYLE

SUSAN Boyle’s recently admitted that she was bullied and beaten as a child. Apparently she’s still got the ugly stick to prove it.

Q. WHAT’S GOT BLACK CURLY HAIR AND LIPS THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN KISSED?

A. SUSAN BOYLE’S PUSSY.

SUSAN Boyle was arrested for trying to smuggle drugs through Heathrow Airport last week. A police spokesman stated that she was hiding 30kg of crack in her grundies.

Q. WHAT’S LONG, HARD AND SUICIDAL?

A. SUSAN BOYLE’S DILDO.

“Y’KNOW, I’ve got a real soft spot for that Susan Boyle,” said a barfly.

“A soft spot for that minger?” shrieked his mate.

“Yeah, it’s my cock.”

A BLOKE was walking down the street when he bumped into Susan Boyle. “My dear,” he grinned, “I don’t care what anyone says – you have the face of a saint!”

“Which saint?” asked Susan.

“A fucken Saint Bernard!” he laughed.

ONE horrible rainy night, a taxi driver spotted a dark figure flagging him down from a dim alleyway. He pulled up at the curb but before he’d even rolled to a stop the figure leaped into the back seat and slammed the door shut.

Checking the rear-view mirror, the driver was shocked to see a naked woman sitting there with drops of rain dripping off her huge, firm boobies.

“W-where to?” stammered the driver, unable to believe his eyes.

“Kings Cross,” answered the woman.

“You got it!” replied the driver, taking another good, long look in the mirror.

The woman saw what he was up to and asked, “Just what the fuck do you think you’re doing, ya fucken pervert?”

“I noticed you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you planned to pay your fare,” the driver replied.

The nude babe spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat and spread her smoo for the cabbie to see. “Does this answer your question?”

The cabbie turned around for a closer look, then said, “Got anything smaller?”

W.T., BALMAIN, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I’ve got taste. It’s inbred in me.”

TIME TO LAY OFF THE BOOZE, DAVID HASSELHOFF

Q. HOW CAN A MAN MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T LOSE HIS HAIR?

A. SEW A NAME TAG UNDER HIS WIG.

J.M., MORWELL, VIC

AFTER hooking up with a guy at the pub, a chick snuck him back to her parents’ place for a drunken root. When they got inside, the fella said that he desperately needed to use the toilet – but the only one in the house was right next to her oldies’ bedroom.

“Go and use the kitchen sink,” the girl whispered. “We’ll rinse it out later so no-one will know!”

The boy nipped into the kitchen, but a few minutes later he still hadn’t returned, so the girl stuck her head in the door and asked if he was finished.

“Almost,” grinned the guy. “Have you got any dunny paper?”

S.O., GYMPIE, QLD

Q. WHY DID THE LEZZO CUT HER TRIP TO CHINA SHORT?

A. SHE MISSED HER NATIVE TONGUE.

L.L., PORT AUGUSTA, SA

A COUPLE had been dating for about six months, but the fella was too scared to make any sexual advances because he was embarrassed by the size of his dick. Finally, one night, after psyching himself up for weeks, he took his girl for a drive to a secluded spot and parked the car in the darkness. They started pashing and the bloke unzipped his trousers and guided his woman’s hand down onto his throbbing cock.

“No thanks,” the girl said, “you know I don’t smoke!”

S.K., BELMONT, VIC

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY PALESTINIAN?

A. HE WAS A SUICIDE BUMMER.

K.S., BENDIGO, VIC

WHEN obtaining spoof from a sperm bank, women are able to specify certain things about the kind of man the sample comes from. That way they can choose what type of donor they’d ideally want their children to inherit their genes from.

Now, I’m not a woman, but I’m sure that if I was, then pretty high up my list of priorities would be avoiding the genes that come from the type of man who reaches adult life and supports himself by wanking into a jar for money.

Y.I., CANNING, WA

A TEACHER asked her class to name things that end with “tor” and eat things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.”

“Very good, that’s a big word,” said the teacher.

The second boy said, “Predator.”

“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done,” said the teacher.

The third boy said, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, she replied, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“My sister has one and she says it eats batteries like nobody’s fucken business!” the little boy shot back.

B.P., WESTON, ACT

Q. WHY DID MAN LEARN TO WALK UPRIGHT?

A. TO LEAVE HIS HANDS FREE FOR WANKING.

S.O., GYMPIE, QLD

MY SEX life has improved dramatically since the missus started doing yoga. It’s not ’cos she’s more flexible or can get into different positions or anything, it’s because whenever she’s at the class, I’m fucking her sister!

D.K., ARMIDALE, NSW

DERRICK and Greg were sinking beers at the pub when Derrick burst into tears and told his mate that his wife had just left him.

“There, there, Dez,” said Greg. “Did she say why she walked out?”

“Oh, she reckons that I’m the king of stupid comparisons and that she can’t take it anymore!”

“Ouch, that’s rough mate. How are you coping?”

“How the fuck do you think I’m coping?” wept Derrick. “I feel like a sausage sandwich on chemotherapy!”

F.G., TOOWOOMBA, QLD

(breakout box)

THE PROFESSIONAL

(text)

PETE HOLMES

WHERE THE HEART IS

“A lifelong dream of mine is to go into an Amish neighborhood and just go up to an Amish child and show him Star Wars. Like, ‘This is happening!’ And just run away.”

“What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it’s ‘just take it’?”

“I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that, I think that’s true. ’Cos they don’t have to tap our phones or survey us, when we just give them everything. Just of our own free will. ‘Home address? It’s a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you’.”

“I can’t seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and they’re like, ‘In your dreams’. I’m like, ‘No. Not even there’.”

(breakout box)

PUNCH LINES

(text)

THE THIN BLUE LINE

Inspector Fowler: “Start stringing words together willy-nilly and it can lead to no end of confusion. Constable Kray, let me have your notebook. Look here. ‘The criminal ran round my side and out the back at a colossal lick’. Jumble up the words and suddenly you have ‘The criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran’.”

Sergeant Dawkins: “We are not the first, and we won’t be the last couple to have problems with our sex life.”
Inspector Fowler: “We do not have a problem.”
Sergeant Dawkins: “We don’t have a sex life!”
Inspector Fowler: “Exactly, so I can hardly see how there could be a problem with it!”

Robbery Victim: “’What’s been taken?’ My self-respect, my piece of mind, my sense of well-being...”

P.C. Goody: “Could you describe these items please, sir?”

Inspector Fowler: “Completing a model of the Forth Bridge – that’s what ecstasy is! It makes me sad to see these children today, with their drugs and sex and music, they’ll never know the joy a young lad could have sitting alone in his room... with his tool in his hand... tightening his little nuts.”

Detective Grim: “Obstructing CID in the course of their investigations, Raymond? That’s a very serious offence, I’ve half a mind to charge you!”
Inspector Fowler: “You have half a mind... full stop!”

OLD Bert was feeling a bit down in the dumps after retiring from his job, so he headed along to the shops and bought himself a brand new pair of cowboy boots. He raced home, put them on and swaggered happily into the kitchen.

“Notice anything different about me?” he asked his wife Mary, but she just took one look and said he looked the same as he did every day.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off to his bedroom, tore his clothes off and walked back into the kitchen wearing nothing but a smile and his new cowboy boots.

“What about now, love – notice anything different?” he asked.

“Bert, nothing’s changed,” Mary replied with a sigh. “Your dick’s hanging down today, your dick was hanging down yesterday and your dick will be hanging down tomorrow!”

“And do you know why it’s hanging down, Mary?” Bert roared. “It’s because it’s looking at my lovely new boots!”

“Oh yeah?” replied Mary, going back to washing the dishes. “Perhaps you should’ve bought a hat.”

T.N., ALICE SPRINGS, NT

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.”

AND YOU’LL BE A BETTER ACTOR FOR IT, SLY STALLONE

Q. WHAT’S WHITE AND STICKY AND FOUND ON THE BATHROOM WALL?

A. GEORGE MICHAEL’S LATEST RELEASE.

J.J., ALBURY, NSW

A BLONDE arrived home early from shopping and was surprised to hear strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushed upstairs to find her husband lying naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s going on here?” she asked.

“I’m, erm… having a heart attack!” cried the husband.

The blonde rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but as she was dialling, her four-year-old son raced over and said, “Mummy, Mummy! The lady from next door is hiding in your wardrobe and she doesn’t have any clothes on!”

The blonde slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs, opened the wardrobe door and was furious to see the chick from next door hiding in there with her gear off.

“You rotten fucken bitch!” screamed the blonde. “My husband’s having a heart attack and you’re running around in the nude playing hide-and-seek with the kids!”

Q.C., BANKSTOWN, NSW

Q. WHY IS BEING IN THE MILITARY LIKE GETTING A BLOWIE?

A. THE CLOSER YOU GET TO DISCHARGE, THE BETTER YOU FEEL.

L.W., MACKAY, QLD

GEORGE and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25^th wedding anniversary with a trip to the local casino. When they walked in the front door a beautiful young woman with a nice arse and perfect tits walked straight up to George and asked him how he was, but the old fella just brushed her off.

“George, that woman was so nice and you were so rude!” objected Harriet.

“Love, that lass was a prostitute,” replied George.

“That sweet young thing? I don’t believe it!”

“Then go up to our room and hide in the bathroom and I’ll prove it to you.”

Harriet did as she was told while George went off to find the young babe. Ten minutes later he escorted her into his bedroom and poured her a drink.

“So, how much do you charge?” George asked.

“It’s a $200 basic rate, more for anal,” the girl replied.

George hadn’t used a prossie for decades, so he was shocked by the quoted prices and yelled, “Fucken $200! Shit, I was thinkin’ $20. Maybe you should get the fuck outta here.”

After the whore had left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and apologised to her husband for ever doubting him, then said they should go down to the bar for a drink.

Just as they started sipping on their cocktails, the prostitute walked up to George, pointed slyly at Harriet and said, “See what you get for $20?”

M.M., CANBERRA, ACT

Q. WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

A. BECAUSE THEY HATE FAST FOOD.

S.W., ROWVILLE, VIC

A BLOKE walked into his doctor’s office and said, “D-d-doc, I-I’ve been s-s-stuttering for years and I’m s-s-sick of it! C-can you h-h-help me?”

The doc made a thorough examination of the poor fella before saying, “It’s your penis. It’s about 45cm long and all the downward pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords.”

“W-w-well, what can you do about it?” the bloke asked.

“I’m afraid the only treatment is to cut off your penis and replace it with a much shorter one. I can guarantee that will cure your stutter.”

The bloke thought things over for a minute or two, then reluctantly told the doc to go for it.

The operation went smoothly enough, but a couple of weeks later the guy wandered into the doctor’s office with a sad look on his face. “Doc, that operation completely cured me of my stutter, but my sex life’s gone to shit. I can’t please my missus with this tiny dick you gave me and she’s threatening to leave. She loved my huge dick, so I don’t care if it means I have to stutter, I just want you to put my big one back on!”

The doc gave him a cheeky smile and replied, “S-s-sorry, m-m-mate, a d-deal’s a d-deal!”

S.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MALE PROSTITUTE WHO GOT LEPROSY?

A. BUSINESS REALLY FELL OFF.

L.P., MELBOURNE, VIC

ONE day a teacher walked into her classroom and saw the word “penis” written in tiny letters on the blackboard. Disgusted, she picked up her duster and rubbed it off before the children saw it.

The next day she walked in the classroom to find the same word written on the blackboard in slightly larger letters. Again, she rubbed it off, but the same thing happened every day, and the letters got bigger every time.

Finally, she confronted her class about it, and a little boy up the back of the room admitted that he was the culprit.

“Miss,” he explained, “surely you know that the more you rub a penis, the bigger it gets?”

A.A., HAMILTON, TAS

THE PROFESSIONAL

MARC MARON

BEARDY WEIRDY

“I just read in an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure centre of a lab monkey’s brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm. I’ve always been against animal testing, but where do I get the home game of this?”

“There is no way I’m getting my wife a gun because there is no way I’m not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, ‘You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.’”

“Is there any indication we shouldn’t be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we’re going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step or, at least, into taking some different course of action, so that we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it’s the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?”

“I’m afraid of the video store guy judging me because I don’t want him to think I’m some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I’ll actually get Dirty Debutantes and Citizen Kane. He knows I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser.”

“I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, ‘No, no, this wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people.’ But if there’s a Santa at the mall, I’ll walk right up to him and I’ll go, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”

JOKE’S ON YOU

SAILORS

AN OLD sailor put on his old uniform and headed down to the docks once more for old time’s sake. While he was down there he bumped into a cheap prostitute and took her behind a crate for a root.

He was doing the best he could for a guy his age, and five minutes later he asked how he was going.

“Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots,” the pro spat.

“How’s that work?” asked the sailor.

“It’s simple – you’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

Q. WHAT DID THE POM SAILOR SAY WHEN A YANK SAILOR ASKED HIM HOW THE SECOND-BIGGEST NAVY IN THE WORLD WAS GOING?

A. “GOOD. HOW’S THE SECOND-BEST NAVY IN THE WORLD?”

ONE day a boy was taking a slash in a public toilet when a sailor walked in. “Wow, mister! Are you a real sailor?” exclaimed the lad.

“I sure am, would you like to wear my hat?”

“Yeah! Awesome!” said the boy, placing the hat on his head and going back to his piss. Just as he was zipping up, a soldier walked in.

“Wow, mister! Are you a real soldier?” squealed the kid.

“I sure am, sonny. Would you like to suck my dick?”

“Oh no, mister,” replied the boy, “I’m not a real sailor – I’m just borrowing the hat.”

AFTER spending decades as a hooker, Sharon finally decided to hang up her smoo and retire. Fearing she’d miss the company of men, she also decided to get married, but having been with so many sick and depraved perverts over the years, she decided she’d only get together with a virgin.

Sharon took out ads in papers around the country asking for a handsome virgin. She finally decided on Wazza, a country boy who promised her that he’d never, ever been with a woman before.

On their wedding night, Sharon went into the bathroom to put on some sexy lingerie, but when she returned to the bedroom she was shocked to see that Wazza had pushed everything in the room into one corner and was standing there with a massive stiffy.

“Oh, Wazza!” cried Sharon. “You told me you’d never been with a woman before!”

“That’s true,” explained the country boy, “but if it’s anything like fucking a kangaroo, we’re gunna need all the room we can get!”

L.J., SEBASTOPOL, VIC

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Oh, Halle Berry. Isn’t she beautiful? I have a film I’d like to be in her with... I mean... be in with her.”

EWAN MCGREGOR, WE WERE THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING

APPARENTLY Gary Glitter recently had his dreams crushed when he found out the newspaper headline “Village still looking for paedophile” wasn’t a job advertisement.

E.W., KALGOORLIE, WA

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU’RE IN A GAY CHURCH?
A. ONLY HALF THE CONGREGATION IS KNEELING.

U.P., ORANGE, NSW

A BLOKE bought a racehorse and decided to call him My Face. When he was asked why he chose the name, he said, “I don’t care if the stupid prick wins anything or makes me any money, I just wanna hear thousands of posh tarts screaming, ‘Come on, My Face!’ from the grandstand at Flemington.”

M.P., HALLS HEAD, WA

Q. WHY CAN’T JESUS EAT M&MS?

A. THEY KEEP FALLING THROUGH THE HOLES IN HIS HANDS.

D.D., WYONG, NSW

A 90-YEAR-OLD man called Frank visited his local doctor for a physical. As the doc was checking his pulse the old bloke casually mentioned that he was engaged to a 20-year-old swimwear model.

“You’re healthy enough, I suppose, but let me give you a bit of advice,” said the doctor. “If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. You know what I mean, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it,” said Frank, before pulling his shorts back on and wandering outside.

Six months later, Frank went back to the doctor for another check-up. “So, how’s the missus going?” asked the doc.

“Fantastic – in fact, she’s pregnant!” said Frank.

The doc gave him a knowing grin and then said, “You obviously took my advice and took in a boarder, then?”

“Fucken oath!” exclaimed Frank. “And she’s pregnant, too!”

P.R., EPPING, VIC

Q. WHAT DID THE JUDGE SAY WHEN A SKUNK WANDERED INTO THE COURTROOM?

A. “ODOUR IN THE COURT!”

H.Y., CESSNOCK, NSW

FATHER John was closing in on 100 and couldn’t do fuck-all for himself, so all the nuns took turns giving him a bath every night. Sister Bertha had just joined the church and was preparing to bathe the old fella for the first time, so the other nuns told her to do whatever the father asked of her.

The next morning Sister Mary bumped into Sister Bertha and asked her how things went.

“Oh, I’ve been saved! While Father John was in the tub he guided my hand down between his legs, where he said the Lord keeps the key to heaven!” Bertha explained. “Then he said that if the key fit my lock, the portals of heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace.”

“Is that a fact?” asked Mary, shocked by the revelation.

“Yes!” beamed Bertha. “At first it hurt terribly, but father John said the road to salvation is often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did! It felt so good to be saved.”

“That lying bastard!” spat Mary. “He told me he had Gabriel’s horn between his legs and I’ve been blowing the bloody thing for the last 40 years!”

R.P., ORBOST, VIC

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A REDNECK’S MARRIED?
A. THERE ARE TOBACCO SPIT STAINS ON BOTH SIDES OF HIS TRUCK.

T.B., HERVEY BAY, QLD

ONE day a teacher walked into her classroom and saw the word “penis” written in tiny letters on the blackboard. Disgusted, she picked up her duster and rubbed it off before the children could see it.

The next day she walked in the classroom to find the same word written on the blackboard in slightly larger letters. Again, she rubbed it off, but the same thing happened every day, and the letters got bigger every time.

Finally, she confronted her class about it, and a little boy up the back of the room admitted that he was the culprit.

“Miss,” he explained, “surely you know that the more you rub a penis, the bigger it gets?”

A.A., HAMILTON, TAS

A BLACK man was shot in the head with a starting pistol outside a Sydney nightclub early this morning. Police believe the incident is definitely race-related.

R.G., ALICE SPRINGS, NT

THE PROFESSIONAL

ARTIE LANGE

DIGS DRUGS

“I was bad at doing drugs. I didn’t do drugs properly. For instance, I’m the only guy who ever got really fat on cocaine.”

“I’ve let chicks think I’m another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the ’90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from Seinfeld.”

“I have a bad gambling problem. You’re not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem. I was making $35,000 a week on a sitcom and I’m wearing the same pants I wore at a Rush concert in 1981.”

“I’ve never been swimming, and that’s because it’s never been more than half an hour since I last ate.”

“My mother would say, before I left the house, ‘Remember, Art, hugs are better than drugs.’ And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said – until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back and I went, ‘God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?’ Hugs are great, but, better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4am to get somebody to hug me.”

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: STONERS

Q. WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE POTHEAD TOOK VIAGRA?

A. HE GOT STIFF JOINTS.

A STONER stumbled out of a party and started wandering home. A couple of hundred metres up the road he saw a bloke lying in the gutter, all bloody and mangled with one of his arms torn off.

“Call me an ambulance!” screamed the guy.

The stoner took another puff of his spliff and said, “You’re an ambulance, dude.”

Q. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE POTHEAD WHO INJECTED MARIJUANA?

A. HE DIED OF A BUD CLOT.

A STONER walked into an appliance store and told the owner that he wanted to buy the TV set in the corner. The owner took one look at him and said, “Fuck off, I don’t sell to potheads!”

The next week the stoner went back to the shop and told the owner that he’d like to buy the television set in the corner. The owner gave him a filthy look and said, “I told you, dickhead, I don’t sell to potheads!”

“But how can you tell I’m a pothead?” asked the stoner.

“Because that’s a microwave in the corner,” replied the owner.

“I want to go to Dreamworld,” said the first kid, and Kevin told him that there’d be a private plane waiting for him and his family at the airport.

“I want a new bike,” said the second kid, and Kevin told him it’d be waiting for him when he got home.

The third kid kicked a stone away and mumbled, “I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV.”

Kevin was a little perplexed and said, “But sonny, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

“I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning,” said the kid.

R.P., ORBOST, VIC

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I can do anything you want me to as long as I don’t have to speak.”

SUPERMODEL LINDA EVANGELISTA HAS A BIG FUTURE IN SILENT MOVIES

THIS just in: the rate of suicide bombings has reached an all-time low. Apparently, experts are putting it all down to the success of Susan Boyle. Now that the Muslim extremists know what a virgin looks like, they’re not so keen on spending eternity with 72 of them.

M.P., HALLS HEAD, WA

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW MORNING-AFTER PILL FOR MEN?

A. IT WORKS BY CHANGING YOUR BLOOD TYPE.

S.M., DARWIN, NT

A LITTLE old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic bags behind her. One of the bags had a hole in it and every now and then a $20 note would fly out and land on the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman walked over and pulled her up.

“Excuse me, lady,” he said, “but there are $20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Dang,” said the old girl. “I’d better go back and gather them up.”

“Not so fast – where did you get all that money? Did you steal it?” asked the cop.

“Oh no,” said the old lady. “You see, my yard backs onto the parking lot for the football stadium, and whenever there’s a game I get drunken yobbos pissing into my flowers! So I stand behind the bushes with a pair of hedge clippers and every time some guy sticks his dickie bird through the bushes I say, ‘Gimme $20 or off it comes!’”

“Hey, that’s not a bad idea!” laughed the cop. “But tell me, what’s in the other bag?”

“Don’t tell anyone,” said the little old lady, “but not all of them pay up.”

G.F., RAYMOND TERRACE, NSW

Q. WHY DID THE FLASHER DELAY HIS RETIREMENT?

A. HE DECIDED TO STICK IT OUT ONE MORE YEAR.

L.K., TUGGERAH, NSW

THREE Catholic blokes and one Catholic sheila were sitting around, having coffee and shooting the shit.

The first bloke told his friends, “My son is a priest, and when he walks into a room everyone calls him ‘father’.”

The second bloke piped up, “My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room people call him ‘your grace’.”

The third bloke started thumping his chest and said, “My son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘your eminence’.”

The woman was sitting there with a smug look on her face, so the three fellas turned to her and said, “What about your kids?”

“My daughter is blonde, tall, with 38DD tits and an arse that could make a grown man cry,” she said proudly. “When she walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Oh my GOD!’”

S.C., MANSFIELD, QLD

Q. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?

A. POLAROIDS.

H.L., PERTH, WA

A FATHER sat his teenage son down and said, “Son, the object of dating is to score, and to do that you have to give the woman something. So when you pick her up, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. The more you give, the more you get.”

A couple of hours later the young bloke turned up on his date’s doorstep with a mountain of chocolates and more flowers than a Greek wedding. The girl opened the door and was so pleased with her gifts that she gave the chap a deep, passionate kiss that sent his eyes spinning around in his head. The kid thought it was fucken fantastic, but as soon as the kiss was over he turned and bolted for the door.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” said the girl. “I didn’t mean to scare you away!”

“You didn’t,” shouted the teenager, jumping in his car. “I’m just heading to the shops to get you some jewellery!”

P.R., EPPING, VIC

AN 80-year-old woman who’d never had sex had an itchy snatch, so she went to the doctor to get it checked out. The doctor told her she must have crabs, but she said that was impossible and stormed off to get a second opinion. The next doctor also told her she had crabs, so the furious old virgin headed off to get a third opinion.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” said the third doctor. “The good news is you don’t have crabs. The bad news is your cherry has started rotting and you’ve got fruit flies.”

S.T., ADELAIDE, SA

Q. WHY DO WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS?

A. BECAUSE THEY THINK MEN GIVE A SHIT.

R.D., WOODFORD, QLD

THE PROFESSIONAL

JONATHAN KATZ

HE’S NO PUSSY

“I had dinner tonight with my father. I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, ‘Can you pass me the salt, please?’ But it came out, ‘You creep, you ruined my childhood’.”

“My daughter’s an only child. The other day she asked me why she has no brothers and sisters. I didn’t want to get into it, so I said, ‘Look, you have an older sister, but you’re always missing her by about five minutes’. She says, ‘Hey, that’s like my other daddy you’re always just missing by about five minutes’.”

“I was a late bloomer with women. Before I met my wife, I had virtually no experience. I remember on our wedding night, I tried to inflate her.”

“Lately I think that my wife has been fooling around because our parrot keeps saying, ‘Give it to me hard and fast before my husband, Jon Katz, comes home. And, yes, I’d love a cracker’.”

“I'm sitting at the bar. This big guy sits down next to me, a construction worker, and we start talking about nuclear war. I say to him, ‘Look, you hear the sirens go off, the missiles are on their way, you got 20 minutes to live: what are you gunna do?’ He said, ‘I am gunna make it with anything that moves’. He asked me what I was gunna do. I said, ‘I’m going to try and keep perfectly still’.”

PUNCHLINES

HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX

Topper Harley: “President Benson.”

President Benson: “No you're not. I’ve seen him on TV. An older man, about my height.”

Michelle Huddleson: “Mr. President, this is Topper Harley.”

President Benson: “Topper Harley, of course, the son I never had. No wonder I didn't recognise you, then.”

Prime Minister Soto: “President Benson, where’s your first lady?”

President Benson: “I don't know. I’ve had lots of women. Lost my flower at the age of 15. I can’t keep track.”

Topper Harley: “These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them...”

President Benson: “Here’s the target area.”

Gerou: “That’s Minnesota, sir.”

President Benson: “Damn it, man, that’s the genius of my plan. Why go over there to fight? We can do it right here at home, and get in some good fishing while we're at it.”

Gerou: “Sir, the enemy is over there.”

President Benson: “Then we’ll fly them over here. Their families, too. We'll teach them to skate... do I have to think of everything?”

Topper Harley: “You’re the only one that knows how to get to the ’copter pad. If I’m not there in 15 minutes, you know what to do.”

Col. Denton Walters: “Yeah, we get the hell out of here!”

Topper Harley: “No! Wait another 15 minutes!”

“You know, mate,” said one of his friends after hearing the tragic story, “I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed real quick.”

“How’d ya manage that?” asked the farmer.

“Well, I just dipped my finger into the cow’s smoo and rubbed the juice all over my bull’s nose – he was fucking her in no time.”

The farmer was so keen to try the plan that he raced home, stuck a finger in his best cow and then wiped the juice all over his bull’s nose. Just like magic, the bull cracked a massive fat and started humping away at the cow. The farmer was amazed!

After locking up the barn, the farmer headed back to the house and slipped into bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d seen so he dipped a finger into his wife’s pussy, then rubbed her juice all over his nose. He had an enormous boner within seconds.

“Look, honey!” he shouted, shaking his wife awake. She rolled over, turned on the light and said, “You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me you have a nosebleed?”

P.R., EPPING, VIC

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“When you get lost in your imaginatory vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.”

WE’LL HAVE WHAT GARY BUSEY’S HAVING

Q. HOW ARE FAT GIRLS AND MOPEDS ALIKE?

A. THEY’RE BOTH FUN TO RIDE TILL YOUR MATES FIND OUT.

R.D., WOODFORD, QLD

A BLOKE met his mate in a pub and told him, “I just got back from JB Hi-Fi. I wanted to buy Grand Theft Auto but the sales assistant had never heard of it, so she asked me to describe it to her. I told her it’s about a black bloke driving around with an iron bar in his hand, crashing into shit, rooting everything in sight and evading the police. So the stupid bitch handed me Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10.”

S.L., PAKENHAM, VIC

Q. WHAT’S GOT TWO GREY LEGS AND TWO BROWN LEGS?

A. AN ELEPHANT WITH DIARRHOEA.

S.O., GYMPIE, NSW

A MOVIE producer wanted to make an action flick about a bunch of famous composers saving the world. He called Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger into the casting room and asked them which roles they’d like to play.

“I’ll be Mozart,” said Stallone.

“I’ll be Beethoven,” said Van Damme.

The producer asked Arnie who he wanted to play, and the big fella sat there for a moment, weighing up his options.

“I’ll be Bach,” he finally said.

S.W., DONCASTER EAST, VIC

Q. WHAT’S THE MAXIMUM PENALTY FOR BIGAMY?

A. TWO MOTHERS-IN-LAW.

J.M., MORWELL, VIC

A PONCY bloke was driving along and he started feeling a bit peckish, so he pulled into a roadside tavern. When he got there he found that the restaurant was closed, so he just ordered a banana daiquiri and sat there sipping it while a grizzled old biker looked at him in disgust.

The ponce noticed that the biker had a great big bowl of chilli sitting in front of him and he wasn’t eating it, so he walked over and asked if he could finish it off. The biker gave him a big grin and said, “Be my guest.”

The ponce got stuck into the chilli and started hoovering it up. He took another spoonful and was shocked to see a dead mouse lying in the bottom of the bowl. He spewed his guts up.

“Don’t worry, mate,” said the biker. “That’s as far as I got, too!”

C.C., BELLERIVE, TAS

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ONION AND A DEAD HOOKER?

A. I CRIED WHEN I CUT UP THE ONION.

A.S., NARARA, NSW

AN OLD bloke went to the doctor for his annual check-up, and a week later he was called back to receive his results. The doc sat him down and told him to brace himself for the worst.

“I’m sorry mate, but I’ve got two bits of bad news for you,” said the doc. “Firstly, you have AIDS.”

The old fella started crying, then finally managed to ask what the second piece of bad news was.

“Our tests reveal that you have Alzheimer’s disease,” said the doc.

The old bugger started crying even harder, then finally looked up with a brave smile on his face.

“It could be worse,” he said. “I could have AIDS!”

M.M., BRISBANE, QLD

ONE day St Peter and Jesus decided to play a round of golf. Pete had all the latest equipment and teed off first, hitting a lovely drive that headed straight down the middle of the fairway and onto the green.

Jesus only had a couple of rusty old clubs he’d found in a garbage bin, so when he teed off the ball hooked off to the left and started flying out of bounds. But then an angel appeared from nowhere and batted the ball in the right direction with its wings. Then the dove of peace swooped down, took the ball in its beak and flew it to the green, dropping it just in time for the Holy Spirit to gently blow the ball into the hole. Jesus was ecstatic.

“OK, do ya wanna play golf,” said Pete with a sigh, “or do ya wanna fuck around?”

E.Y., NEWCASTLE, NSW

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: TEACHERS

THREE sets of newlyweds booked into a hotel and were helped to their rooms by Pablo the bellboy.

The first man had married a nurse, so Pablo thought to himself, “Lucky bastard – nurses are known to be hot to trot!”

The second man married a telephone operator, so Pablo thought to himself, “Lucky bastard – telephone operators are always gagging for it!”

The third man married a teacher, so Pablo thought to himself, “Poor bastard, teachers are fucken frigid!”

The next day Pablo took breakfast over to the three sets of newlyweds. The first bloke met him with a sour face and said, “Don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was, ‘You’re not sanitary!’”

The second bloke looked even worse. He said, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was, ‘Your three minutes are up!”

But the third bloke had a huge grin on his face, so Pablo asked him what the deal was. “All I can say is marry a teacher,” the bloke beamed. “All I heard last night was, ‘We are gunna have to do this over and over till we get it right!’”

BILLY was kicking his footy around on the playground when it got stuck in a tree. He was too scared to climb up and get it so he asked Mrs Pubert, who was eight months pregnant.

Mrs Pubert climbed up into the tree but just as she reached for the ball, Billy screamed, “You’re having a boy!”

Mrs Pubert was astonished by the prediction and asked the boy how he knew the sex of her unborn baby.

“Easy,” he said, “you’re not wearing any underpants and I saw his moustache.”

THE PROFESSIONAL

LISA LANDRY

OWNS A VAGINA

“I like nice guys. I think there’s a lot of nice guys out there. I don’t think we treat them right. We don’t – we say mean things about them, things like, ‘Nice guys finish last’. That’s an awful thing to say. It’s not even true. My husband’s the nicest guy in the world; he always finishes first.”

“My cousin Amber is 17, having a baby, and she did that pregnant chick thing I hate. She came walking over to me; she’s like, ‘Go ahead. Touch me’. I said, ‘Sugar, haven’t you been touched enough?’”

“I’m trailer park. If you cut me, I bleed crystal meth and Kevin Federline.”

“I told him, ‘You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I can’t have that’. There’s no way I’m gunna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it – and then she gets to leave! I don’t think so, hooker. You’re gunna sit down and listen to him talk for half an hour.”

"I can’t imagine having a baby. You got this thing that runs after you, and then it falls down, and then it falls into you, and then vomits all over you. Then, it wants to suck on your breasts. That’s like prom night.”

“I would do anything to make my husband happy – anything to make him happy – except cook or clean or shut the fuck up.”

AN OLD bloke walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of 40-year-old scotch. The bartender, thinking he could put one over the fella and save himself a bit of dosh, poured a shot of 10-year-old scotch and handed it over.

“What the fuck do you call this?” spat the old bloke. “This scotch is only 10 years old and I specifically asked for 40-year-old scotch!

Amazed, the bartender poured a glass of 20-year-old scotch to see if the old guy would be able to tell the difference. He took a swig, spat it out and screamed, “This scotch is only 20 years old and I specifically asked for 40-year-old scotch!”

By then a small crowd had gathered, so the bartender decided to pour the old bloke what he asked for – a shot of 40-year-old scotch.

“Ah, this is what I was after!” grinned the bloke, until a drunk prick tapped him on the shoulder, held up another shot glass and told him to have a swig.

The old guy chucked it down then started puking his guts up before shouting, “My God, this tastes like piss!”

“Wow, you do have an incredible palate,” slurred the drunk. “Now tell me how old I am!”

E.M., BAYSWATER, WA

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger won’t be marrying a bloke anytime soon

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH A TWITCH?

A. BEEF JERKY.

K.L., PARKVILLE, VIC

A SMALL boy found himself lost inside a large shopping centre. He approached a passing policeman and said, “I’ve lost my Daddy!”

“OK, sonny,” the cop said, “what’s he like?”

The little boy hesitated for a moment, then replied, “Bundaberg rum and sheilas with big tits.”

N.B., EMU PLAINS, NSW

Q. WHICH SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE IS ASSOCIATED WITH KEVIN RUDD?

A. GONORRHOEA LECTIM.

V.C., DARWIN, NT

A COWBOY rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately for him, the locals didn’t really like outsiders, so when the cowboy finished his drink he discovered his horse had been stolen.

The cowboy stormed back into the saloon, pulled out his gun and started waving it around while screaming, “Which one of you cunts stole my fucken horse?”

No-one answered.

“Alright, I’m gunna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gunna have to do what I did in Texas!” threatened the cowboy. “And I really don’t wanna have to do what I did in Texas!”

The cowboy sat down to have his beer while some of the locals ran outside in terror. Five minutes later he finished his beer, walked outside and was happy to see that his horse was back. He jumped on top of it and started riding off, but the bartender came racing out and said, “Say, partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

“I had to walk home,” replied the cowboy.

T.F., COCKBURN, WA

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LEPRECHAUN AND GONORRHOEA?

A. ONE’S A CUNNING RUNT…

Q.A., GRAFTON, NSW

A BLOKE was horny as all get-out, but he was nearly broke. He went to a brothel with $5 and asked what he could get. The madam told him that would only rent a room for half an hour, but wouldn’t get him a hooker. The bloke took the room anyway, looked around for something to fuck, saw a pigeon on the window ledge, grabbed it and rooted it. He left satisfied.

A week later he rocked up to the brothel on payday with bulk cash. He asked the madam for a hooker and she said, “They’re all busy now. Why don’t you go to the peep show and get in the mood?”

The bloke did, and he was enjoying the show when he turned to the fella next to him and said, “These girls really know what they’re doing, eh?”

The fella replied, “Yeah, but you should’ve been here last week. This bloke was fucking a pigeon!”

M.F., PORT PHILLIP, VIC

Q. WHY DID THE CROSS-EYED TEACHER GET FIRED?

A. SHE COULDN’T CONTROL HER PUPILS.

P.R., BUNDALL, QLD

BY THE time Barry pulled into the only motel in a small town, every room was already taken. “You’ve gotta have room somewhere,” whinged Barry. “I’ve been driving all day and I’m ready to collapse.”

“Well, there’s a truck driver in room 203 who might be happy to split his bill with you, but I’ve gotta warn you that he’s a terrible snorer and will probably keep you up all night,” explained the manager. Despite the warning, Barry gratefully took the room.

The next morning Barry turned up for breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and the manager was astonished to learn he’d had a fantastic night’s sleep.

“OK, what’s your secret?” asked the manager.

“Well,” explained Barry, “when I walked in the trucker was already asleep and snoring, so I hopped into bed with him, snuggled up and have him a kiss on the cheek. After that he just sat up all night watching me.”

D.N., SANDGATE, QLD

PUNCH LINES

MARRIED… WITH CHILDREN

Fat woman: “I don’t understand it, I was a size six before aerobics class, all that jumping must’ve expanded my foot.”

Al: “Then I see you must’ve fallen on your butt a time or two.”

Fat woman: “How dare you say that to my face!”

Al: “Well, I’d say it behind your back but my car’s only got half a tank of gas!”

Bud: “Hey, they’re hosting a talent show contest.”

Peggy: “Yeah, and the first prize is $500.”

Bud: “Why don’t we enter?”

Al: “Because we don’t have any talent.”

Kelly: “Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn’t gotten an award for it since the cub scouts.”

Jefferson: “So, where’s the man who’s ready to leave home and go bag some babes?”

Al: “Right here.”

Marcy: “Oh please, you couldn’t bag your own wife.”

Al: “No, I could bag her. But it doesn’t do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.”

Kelly: “Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I bet there are plenty of cool guys who sit home on Friday night watching Star Trek re-runs hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.”

Bud: “Let the record show that I was licking the screen in an attempt to clean it.”

Fat woman: “Bundy, we are activists!”

Al: “Oh, I’d say not quite active enough.”

Fat woman: “It so happens we marched yesterday, shoe schmuck.”

Al: “In what, the million pound march?”

THE PROFESSIONAL

JOHN CAPARULO

LARGER THAN LIFE

“People come to your yard sale and ask for items they don’t even see. Like, I got departments you don’t know about or something? ‘Where are your drapes? We’re looking for drapes; we don’t see drapes.’ ‘Oh, that’s ’cos housewares is on the back porch, I’m sorry. You can stop by customer service at the shed, get a Slushee and a pretzel.’ ‘What’s your return policy?’ ‘I’ll fucken stab you if you come back here.’”

“I miss having a pet. We’re not allowed to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, ‘Why don’t you get a cat?’ I’m like, ‘Why don’t I just start kissing dudes, too, alright? Why don’t I do that? Just go all the way with that one.’ You can’t be a single guy with a cat, alright? It just looks bad; you’re either gay or you’re a villain.”

“I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things – you know, those boxes. They made me take the dog out of the carrier so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a fucken puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, ‘You’re a dick, dude. I can’t believe you – that’s too far.’”

“I don't even like big dogs. Nobody needs a rottweiler. Unless you sell drugs or drive a sled to work, you don’t need a dog that big.”

“My friends guilt-trip me. ‘You hear what Bush said today? You see his speech?’ ‘Uh, no.’ ‘How could you miss that?’ ‘I guess I got more channels than you do, dude. It wasn't on Nickelodeon. I don’t care.’ ‘What about the education system and gay marriage?’ ‘I already graduated; I’m not gunna marry a dude, alright? I don’t care.’”

A RICH bloke decided he wanted to celebrate his birthday by inviting all of his friends and neighbours around to his mansion for a massive piss-up. To show that he was a caring and compassionate guy, he also invited Geoffrey, the only Aborigine in town.

Everyone was getting stuck into the piss and finger food when the rich bloke told them he had an announcement to make: “I have five-metre-long crocodile in my pool and I’ll give $1 million to anyone brave enough to jump in there with it.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around to see that Geoffrey had jumped into the pool. The brave fella started punching the shit out of the bloodthirsty crocodile, poking it in the eyes and putting it in choke holds. Finally, Geoffrey choked the croc to death and climbed out of the pool while the monster floated there like a turd in a bathtub.

“Well done, Geoffrey,” grinned the host in amazement, “I reckon I owe you $1 million.”

“Nah, that’s alright, I don’t want it,” replied Geoffrey.

“But I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million?”

“Nah, you keep it.”

“Come on, I insist on giving you something. What you did was amazing. Just tell me what you want.”

“I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool,” said Geoffrey.

G.H., CAMPBELLTOWN, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”

Prince Philip won’t be having Chinese for dinner

Q. WHY DO SUMO WRESTLERS SHAVE THEIR LEGS?

A. SO NOBODY WILL MISTAKE THEM FOR LESBIANS.

D.K., GEELONG WEST, VIC

NORM was driving through the middle of nowhere when he turned a corner and saw a fruit and veg stand, with a sign by the side of the road reading, “We have peaches that taste like anything and everything – guaranteed!”

Norm thought that sounded amazing, so he pulled his car to the side of the road and walked up to the old man who was tending the shop.

“Sounds like a load of bullshit. Do you have a peach that tastes like strawberries and cream?” asked Norm. The old guy grabbed a peach from under his desk and handed it to Norm.

“Yum, tastes like strawberries,” said Norm.

“Turn it around.”

Norm turned the peach around and discovered that the other side tasted like cream. He thought it was great, so he asked the old guy if he had a peach that tasted like steak and baked potato. The shopkeeper said he did, and handed him another peach.

“Yum, tastes like steak,” said Norm.

“Turn it around.”

Again Norm turned his peach around and was delighted that the other side tasted like potato. He thought real hard, then asked the old guy if he had a peach that tasted like pussy. The shopkeeper said he did, and handed Norm a third peach, but when Norm bit into it he spat the peach straight back out.

“Ugh, this tastes like shit!” Norm said.

The old man just grinned and told him, “Turn it around.”

P.R., EPPING, VIC

Q. WHAT DO BUNGEE-JUMPING AND HOOKERS HAVE IN COMMON?

A. THEY BOTH COST $100 AND IF THE RUBBER BREAKS, YOU’RE SCREWED.

P.T., MELBOURNE, VIC

A BLOKE picked up a chick at the pub and took her home for a root. After smashing into her for half an hour and shooting a load of cream cheese deep into her smoo, they lay back to have a smoke.

“I must confess something,” said the chick. “I used to be a hooker.”

The bloke thought about it for a while before saying, “That’s alright. In fact, I find it a bit of a turn-on. Tell me about it.”

“Well,” the girl said, “my name was Nigel and I played for Brisbane.”

C.C., BELLERIVE, TAS

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CHINESE LOOKALIKE CONTEST?

A. EVERYBODY WON!

C.C., BELLERIVE, TAS

A SHIFTY bloke shuffled into the pub, crept up to a bloke who was drinking by himself and offered to sell him Viagra for $100.

“No, it’s not worth it,” said the drunk.

“OK, how about $50?” said the dealer.

“Still not worth it.”

“OK, $20, then?” the dealer asked.

“Not worth it!”

“Listen, fella, these pills are pricey,” said the dealer. “How can you say they’re not worth it?”

“Your pills are fine,” replied the drunk. “It’s my wife who’s not worth it.”

W.K., PERTH, WA

Q. WHY DID THE HOOKER START ROOTING BLOKES IN THE BACK OF HER HONDA?

A. IT WAS HER CIVIC DUTY.

D.K., GEELONG WEST, VIC

A PSYCHOLOGY professor and a history professor were enjoying their summer break at a nudist colony. The historian turned to his mate and asked, “Have you read Marx?”

“Yes,” replied the psychology professor. “I think it’s the wicker chairs.”

S.W., ROWVILLE, VIC

JOKE’S ON YOU

HIGHWAY COPS

A FELLA was hooning down the road when a policeman pulled him over.

“Alright, mate, what’s the big hurry?” asked the cop.

“I’m late for work!” said the fella.

“That’s no reason to speed – what do you do for a job?” the cop retorted.

“I’m a rectum stretcher. I spread buttholes until they’re six feet wide,” explained the fella.

“OK, wise guy, what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?” the cop said.

“Give him a badge and tell him to pull people over,” grinned the driver.

A BLONDE was speeding along the highway when a copper pulled her over.

“Show me your licence, miss,” said the cop.

“I wish you policemen would make up your minds,” snapped the blonde. “Last week you took my licence off me and now you expect me to show it to you!”

A BLOKE was driving to work when he was forced to swerve to avoid a box that had fallen off the back of a truck. Seconds later a cop pulled him over for reckless driving. The driver explained what had happened and when the officer checked it out he discovered that the box was full of upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I’ll still have to book you for tacks evasion,” smirked the cop.

A COP pulled an old man over, and when he approached the window he asked him whether he’d noticed that his wife had fallen out of the car a couple of kays back.

“Thank God,” said the old bloke. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

THE PROFESSIONAL

DWAYNE KENNEDY

HE’S A BIT RACY

“Talk to each other, that’s how you eradicate racism. We talk to each other, and we ask each other questions. They might be awkward questions, but that’s how you get the ball rolling. Like, you can say, ‘Hey, white man, how come you’re so tense and afraid?’ Then he can say, ‘Hey, black man, how’d you get into my apartment?’”

“Everybody’s into rap. White folks love rap, right? Rap, rock, blues... white folks love everything about black culture, except the blacks.”

“Two things they talk about a lot in the Bible are wine and shit that’s hard to believe. I think the wine came first.”

“One, 9/11 was a tragic and senseless loss of human life, of course. And two, it kind of fucked up my ‘the white man is the devil’ theory. Pretty much shot that all to hell, really. I’m still trying to hold out hope that the white man is the devil; I just don’t have the conviction I once did.”

“I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn’t have no money, so I just went window shopping with a brick.”

“They say you gotta live every day as if it’s your last. I don’t recommend that. I tried that one time. It was a Wednesday – I woke up, quit my job, slapped a cop and hit on my girlfriend’s mother. Then, Thursday rolled around. Much to my chagrin, I found out they don’t have no bumper stickers telling you what to do the day after you lived your previous day as if it was the last day of your life.”

BILLY went to the pub and cracked onto this sheila called Wendy. After chatting to her for a few hours he invited her back to his place for a root. She said she’d love to, but she had to share a dark secret with him first.

“You see,” she wept, “when I was younger I had an illness that left me with the breasts of a 12-year-old.”

Billy said that was fine but that he too had a deformity: “I have a baby-sized penis.”

Wendy thought about it for a while and said they’d work out a way to have a screw despite the size of Billy’s cock. When they got back to Billy’s they started kissing and feeling each other up, but when Wendy pulled down Billy’s pants to give him a blowie, she started screaming.

“You told me your dick was the size of a baby!” she wailed.

“It is,” Billy protested. “It’s 50cm long and weighs four kilos!”

Z.C., GOULBURN, NSW

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!”

That’s ’cos you’re fat and ugly, Drew Carey

Q. HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR MISSUS SCREAM DURING SEX?

A. CALL HER AND TELL HER WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

G.H., HERVEY BAY, QLD

GAZZA was going for his dream job, but first he had to get past the interview. After handing over his resume, he waited nervously while his potential boss flicked through the pages.

After five or 10 minutes, the bloke said, “Actually, Gazza, it just so happens that we have an opening for someone like you.”

“What is it?” asked Gazza excitedly.

The boss chucked the resume back in Gazza’s face and said, “It’s called the fucken door!”

M.L., MURRAY BRIDGE, SA

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?

A. LOVE DOESN’T LAST FOREVER.

L.O., HAMILTON, VIC

A VERY sick man was taken to hospital and the doctors gave him all these drugs that made him feel like he was gunna shit himself. After holding on for a few hours, the bloke finally splattered his bedsheets with the sloppiest turd in the history of the world.

Feeling embarrassed, he balled up the sheets and chucked them out the window before anyone could see the disgusting mess he’d made. By chance there was a homeless bloke staggering around underneath the window, and when the sheet hit him he started punching it as hard as he could.

A security guard saw the commotion and ran over to find out what was going on.

“I don’t know, mate,” slurred the hobo, “but I think I just beat the shit out of this ghost!”

F.T., GOSNELLS, WA

Q. HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN A GENUINE LESBIAN BAR?

A. NOT EVEN THE POOL TABLE HAS BALLS.

K.K., LIVERPOOL, NSW

AFTER finishing Sunday Bloody Sunday, Bono turned to the audience and asked them to be quiet. When the noised died down the U2 singer started slowly clapping his hands.

“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies,” he said.

“Well, stop fucken doing it, then,” came a voice from the front row.

U.T., BENDIGO, VIC

Q. DID YA HEAR ABOUT THE LEPER POKER GAME?

A. ONE BLOKE THREW IN HIS HAND AND THE OTHER THREE LAUGHED THEIR HEADS OFF.

E.R., DEVONPORT, TAS

STEVIE Wonder was given a cheese grater for his birthday. When he was asked a few weeks later what he thought of the present, he said, “It was a bit violent but it was one of the best books I’ve ever read.”

J.M., MORWELL, VIC

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN AMISH GUY WITH HIS HAND UP A HORSE’S ARSE?

A. A MECHANIC.

P.M., BROKEN HILL, NSW

A BLONDE pushed her old Cortina into a service station. When the mechanic came out to have a look at it she explained that it had just up and died for no reason at all. He pushed it into his workshop and had a good look at it, and 10 minutes later he had it running smoothly.

“What was wrong with it?” asked the blonde.

“There was crap in the carburetor,” replied the mechanic.

“Oh,” blushed the blonde, “I knew I was drunk last night but I didn’t think I was THAT drunk.”

S.W., DOREEN, VIC

PUNCH LINES

ZOMBIELAND

Columbus: “The first rule of Zombieland: cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons... were the fatties.”

Columbus: (After his neighbour changes into a zombie) “You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.”

Columbus: “You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?”

Tallahassee: “Out east, yeah?”

Columbus: “Yeah.”

Tallahassee: “Out west, we hear it's out east, out east they hear it's out west. It's all bullshit. It's like you're a penguin at the North Pole hears the South Pole is real nice this time of year.”

Columbus: “There are no penguins in the North Pole.”

Tallahassee: “You wanna feel how hard I can punch?”

Columbus: (After a zombie kills an obese man) “You poor fat bastard.”

Columbus: (After a zombie is killed by a falling piano) “You poor flat bastard.”

THE PROFESSIONAL

KEVIN NEALON

WEEDY BASTARD

“I live every day like it’s the last day of my life. Every morning I wake up real early, and I spend maybe three hours on the phone making funeral arrangements.”

“I'm trying to become environmentally correct. I got an electric car... they’re so cool, it’s great. It’s in the shop now. We’re having a gas engine put in it.”

“I’m on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I’ve only missed one day so far.”

“I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.”

“Whale watching – that was fun. Captain even let me steer the ship. I liked that. Wasn’t crazy about sitting on his lap, but I did alright.”

“I’m staying in a nice hotel not too far from here. They even put me in the honeymoon suite... I’m staying with a nice couple from Nebraska.”

“It’s tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can’t tell tonight, though, ’cos I comb them forward.”

“Can I please sit where your dog is?” asked the soldier.

“You bloody Australians are so rude!” the lady spat. “Can’t you see my dog is sitting here?”

The Aussie stood around for a few minutes until he felt like he was going to collapse. “Lady, I love dogs,” he pleaded, “so I would happily hold it if you’d just let me have that seat.”

“You Australians are not only rude, but you are also loud and obnoxious,” shrieked the lady. After three months on the front line, the Aussie soldier had had enough, so he grabbed the little dog and chucked it straight out the window. The lady was speechless, but a neatly dressed fella across the aisle tapped the Aussie on the shoulder.

“Young man,” he said, “I do not know if all you Australians fit the lady’s description, but I do know you do a lot of things wrong. You drink the wrong kind of beer, you follow the wrong type of football, and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!”

T.P., BRISBANE, QLD

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I have only two passions: space exploration and hip-hop.”

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who’s producing a single with Snoop Doggy Dogg. We are not making this up

Q. WHY ARE DOGS SUCH BAD DANCERS?

A. ’COS THEY HAVE TWO LEFT FEET.

J.J., BATHURST, NSW

HARRY and Phil were hanging round the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find out how high this pole is, but we don’t have a ladder,” sighed Harry.

The sheila took a wrench out of her purse, loosened a few bolts and lay the pole down on the ground. Then she pulled a tape measure from her pocket and told the fellas, “Five metres,” and strutted off.

Phil shook his head and laughed, “Isn’t that just like a bloody woman? We ask for the height and she gives us the length.”

F.R., TENNANT CREEK, NT

Q. WHAT’S A WOK?

A. SOMETHING YOU THROW AT A WABBIT.

J.S., BROOME, WA

A NEW teacher was trying to teach her primary students about psychology. She began her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

“Johnny,” the teacher asked, “do you really think you’re stupid?”

“No, miss,” Johnny grinned, “but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself, looking like an idiot.”

L.H., PARRAMATTA, NSW

Q. WHAT’S WHITE AND HANGS DOWN FROM A CLOUD?

A. THE COMING OF THE LORD.

A.H., YOKINE, WA

A YOUNG bloke was trying out for a role in his high school play. He was dead-keen on drama and desperate to snaffle a big role. When he got one, he rushed home to tell his old man all about it.

“Dad! I got a big part in the school play!” he told the old bloke. “I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.”

“Keep up the good work,” his dad replied. “Before you know it, they’ll offer you a speaking part.”

J.D., CASULA, NSW

Q. WHERE DOES A MONKEY COOK HIS TOAST?

A. UNDER THE GORILLA.

K.T., MELBOURNE, VIC

HARRY hooked up with Sandy at a nightclub, and after about 1000 beers they headed back to her place for a root. Once he stepped into Sandy’s bedroom, Harry was amazed to see a huge set of shelves packed topped to bottom with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of the bastards.

Harry put it out of his mind and chucked Sandy on the bed, stripped her clothes off and got stuck in. Five minutes later he was lying back with a cigarette hanging out the corner of his mouth and asking, “How was I?”

“Put it this way,” Sandy replied, gesturing towards the stuffed animals, “you can pick anything from the bottom shelf.”

L.C., WARABROOK, NSW

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

THIS WEEK: FISH

Q. WHAT DO FISH SMOKE?

A. SEA WEED.

Q. WHAT DID THE FISH SAY WHEN HE SWAM INTO A WALL?

A. “DAM!”

Q. WHAT DO FISH WATCH WHILE THEY’RE WANKING?

A. PRAWNO FILMS.

Q. WHY ARE FISH SO SMART?

A. ’COS THEY HANG AROUND IN SCHOOLS.

Q. HOW DO YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH A FISH?

A. YOU DROP HIM A LINE.

Q. WHAT’S THE MOST POPULAR KIND OF FISH IN THE SEA?

A. THE BLOWFISH.

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A FISH WITH NO EYES?

A. FSH.

THE PROFESSIONAL

GREG FITZSIMMONS

Bald bastard

“I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, ‘Oh, hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.’ I said, ‘Hey, Grandma, don’t ever tell me you’re naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I’m going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.’ I'll never eat raisins again.”

“When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time – you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, ‘Dad, is love real?’ And he said, ‘No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.’”

“I’ve finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I’ve never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms – spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.”

“My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement – he goes, ‘I’m switching me name back to Florence.’ And we beat him up, ’cos it’s a dumb name and he’s old and weak and it was easy.”

“I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because halfway through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.”

“They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of oestrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So, it’s nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but it’s not really going to bother him that much.”